How to Stop Being Needy and Get The Girl You Want!

There’s a lot of times where you’re probably wanting to share emotion and you’re scared that if you say something that you’re going to come off as being needy and that this is not going to get a woman to like you. In this blog, I’m going to talk about exactly how to emotionally connect with a woman and how to really own your masculine power by understanding what conscious vulnerability is and how to not be needy. Because neediness comes from a place of scarcity and conscious vulnerability comes from abundance.

I want you to not judge this and have an open mind when reading this blog today.

What vulnerability is not, is, it is not a sign of weakness, but instead it’s your greatest strength. Now, there is such a difference between vulnerability being shared at someone’s expense or the expense of someone else sharing their vulnerability to be informative. So, vulnerability does not mean that you have to spill all your deepest, darkest secrets. That’s not what vulnerability is. Vulnerability is not that one thing that keeps us out of connection, it’s that we feel that we are not worthy. Vulnerability is that one thing that keeps us in connection. And then the reason why we sometimes feel like we can’t connect is because we think we may come off as needy and then we don’t feel that we’re worthy.

We have this facade or this feeling or this dynamic or this mindset that this thing vulnerability will keep us out of connection and it’s not true. When we discuss vulnerability, a lot of times we look at connection as though I want to connect with this person, I just don’t know how, because we try to mask our vulnerability because we believe it may make us look needy. So, if we mask our vulnerability, one thing that keeps us out of connection is that we are not worthy of connection, and we feel that we’re not worthy of connection because it’s hard for us to open up. It’s hard for us to share vulnerability and with my clients, I always tell them, “Share vulnerability in minor doses, especially if it’s not something that you’ve done before.” I coach them along on how to do so through conversations and dynamics of conversations with people.


Here’s How NOT To be Needy!

Next, I want to show you how to not be needy. Vulnerability is not the beta male only. Oh my goodness. I would be a millionaire if I had $5 every time I heard something like that or a man tell me another man that, and my coaching clients, I’ve noticed that this is affecting them. What happens is, if we become too alpha, you put up a front, people can’t connect and then they think that you’re just a player. And then you can’t get into long term relationships if you want one and if you get into a long term relationship, the woman ends up breaking up with you because she’s like, “I can’t connect with you. I just want more. I just need more from you. I get no emotions. I don’t feel like you care about me.” And the list goes on. Does that sound familiar? Vulnerability is not the beta male only. Understand that as a man and as a high value man, you have to have both traits.

The beta alpha, feminine, masculine, yin and yang, whatever we want to call it and understand how to break this down in your life and where and when you should and shouldn’t come in with vulnerability, which I teach a lot in my attraction course. The vulnerability in a beta male only is not freaking true. Now, vulnerability helps you connect with people, which brings me into my next point. People who have a strong sense of worthiness and sense of belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. Berne Brown says this. “People who have a strong sense of worthiness and sense of belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.” Now, let’s bring it back into the dating and relationships and men that I coach. I’ll be honest, as a woman and a lot of my other coaches will vouch for this as women, we get so much more connected when a man shows vulnerability in the right moments and does not come off as being needy.

We feel like he has a sense of belonging, so we want to belong with him. If he feels like he is worthy, then I’m worthy of him too. So I want to be worthy of him. So, here’s where we go wrong in understanding that. I can’t be vulnerable because I’m not needy and that’s not a man and if I’m not vulnerable, she’s going to like me. But here’s one thing. We don’t just open our hearts to everybody and we shouldn’t and this is what I tell my guys all the time. I want you to think of your best friend. And I talk about this a lot in my attraction course. The best friend that you have right now, whatever dude that is, your ride or die or your best, best friend, let’s just say. And let’s think about that person. Did that person become your best friend the day that you met them? Probably not. So then I ask, “Why not? Why wasn’t this person your best friend the first time you met him?”

“Well, because I had to get to know him, I had to see if he liked the same things that I had. I had to see if I could trust him. I had to see if he was really going with my vibe and we can connect.” Okay, how long did it take? Years, some guys said months, some guys even told me six years. Now, why doesn’t the same thing happen in your relationships with women? I’m not saying it’s going to take you two years to figure out a woman and sometimes it does or nine years to get in a relationship but here’s the thing. Guys, if we misconstrue vulnerability and say, “Oh, we got to get into this relationship. We got to tell this girl, we like her. We got to tell her all of our emotions. We got to devour her with all this heavy stuff and have basically vulnerability diarrhea coming out of our mouth in the first week because we put her on a pedestal,” is where vulnerability goes wrong…. This is when you become needy and that is what we are simply trying to avoid!

How to Stop Being Needy Today

That means self worth is not there. And this is where we go wrong in vulnerability, because that brings me to the next one is where sharing emotions to get someone’s attention only and that’s the wrong way to do vulnerability this is when you become needy, which you is why I want to show you how to stop being needy. The way we need to do vulnerability is in connection. I want you to think of it as rewarding for someone to know something about you. So let’s say that you’re on a dinner date and it’s the third date that you go on or out with this woman and she talks about how she longs for her brother because she misses him so much because her brother passed away and she’s starting to get very emotional. And you share something in that moment and say, “Wow, I know what that feels like. My sister actually passed away as well.” And you get into the conversation and you both now are having an emotional connection.

Then you become relatable and it gives that moment of connection to the woman to open up to you, to feel attracted to you in another emotional connective way. And so, it shows a sense of worthiness that you have because you have a sense of strength when you’re able to open up to a woman. There’s a difference between a man opening up to a woman and being scared to open up to a woman because he gets validation from it. Because if he shares emotions, the validation means that he gets attention from her, which is wrong. That’s the wrong vulnerability, that is showing neediness. The right vulnerability is I share my vulnerability, I share my story, I share how I feel about something or someone not to convince, not to seek attention, not to put on a mask, not to be inauthentic, not to be needy, but to be authentic and real and not give you know what.

There’s so many people out there teaching men to hide their emotions, to hide their feelings, but yet, they’re not coaching them on when to share them. Do I believe that men and women should hide all of their emotions? Absolutely not. But then do I believe that they should always share them all the time? Absolutely not.You never want to come off as being needy. It comes in time and trusting someone and it comes in little spurts. You don’t want to overdo it, but you want to feel a connection. So, find ways to get connected with your partner, with your girl. When you’re on a date with someone and your friends.

Here’s How to Be Less Needy Immediately!

Here’s how you can be less needy. A lot of times, men experience shame and shame is a part of disconnection. When we feel that I’m not good enough, which is an illusion, the idea in order for connection to happen, we have to let ourselves be seen. So vulnerability is scary, especially when you feel like you’re not good enough. Let me repeat this. Shame is a part of disconnection. When you feel that you’re not good enough, the idea in order for connection to happen, we have to let ourselves be seen. So, vulnerability then becomes scary because underneath you being seen means that they’ll see that I’m not good enough. They’ll see that I believe that I’m not good enough. So then that shame gives you disconnection. So then that shame is the mask of inauthenticity, so we follow tactics. So we follow things that are going to be surface level, but don’t get down to the root, to improve who we are overall, so we can be the best person that we can be in our lives.

The ability to feel connected is why we’re all here biologically. It shows this. The ability to feel connected is why we are here. It shows. Anything Berne Brown talks about is this. She talks so much about conscious vulnerability and vulnerability. I talk a lot about conscious vulnerability as well, especially with men. I’m not your woman dating coach that’s going to say, “Say all your feelings, show the girl how you romanticize her, bring her roses, bring her this,” heck freaking no. But what I will tell you is that if you have that underlying feeling of shame as part of your disconnect because of trauma, triggers, things that you have hidden because you don’t feel good enough, but yet you have to shine, bling, get a great car, get a great job, get these really great women and show off.

If something inside of you is still not connecting because you haven’t been able to let yourself be seen because vulnerability seems scary and you are afraid you might come off as needy. So, what makes someone become vulnerable and connect to you? You may ask,  and again, Brene Brown says this, “The courage to be imperfect, you have compassion to be kind to yourself more than others. The truth is if we can’t be compassionate towards ourselves, we can’t be compassionate towards others.” There’s no way. So, I ask you today to choose courage to be imperfect and to figure out why am I hiding behind this? Especially if it’s hard for you to connect and be vulnerable, especially if we’ve already made the decision to think that vulnerability is a weakness because it’s not. Actually, vulnerability is a strength. I’ll tell you one thing here. The reason why I chose my lifelong partner is because he freaking knows how to share vulnerability in the right moments, but it wasn’t for an attachment of me.

He wasn’t trying gain control of me. It wasn’t to simply shed his emotions all over me and be needy so he didn’t lose me. The vulnerability was only to connect and the vulnerability showed me ownership within himself and the vulnerability showed me the surface within him, the structure within him and also, that vulnerability showed me strength. This is what women look for, especially high value women that want a long term relationship. I coach guys from all over the world that just want to have fun with dating and that’s okay too, but then I coach guys that want relationships, and this is the same thing, the same exact thing. So I ask you, how are you contributing to the illusion that vulnerability is for the weak? And I want you to write this down. I want you to figure out what is really important for us to understand about neediness and learning how to be vulnerable with our feelings.

If you would like further individual guidance on this topic or need any relationship advice from me or one of my coaches please head to


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  1. I acknowledge you for your commitment to making a difference and empowering people in the area of relationships. Your work here to distinguish vulnerability from neediness is just brilliant. It reminds me of the expression “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18). I totally get inside of the declaration “I love you” there can be a stand for another and for oneself as being whole, perfect and complete. Thanks

    1. Thank you for your comment Saci! Appreciate you stopping by and reading this blog. xo

  2. Still consuming this but it is very timely.
    I ask myself though sometime- when I see some women who are highly attractive highly valued who are in relationships with guys that may not have all the component’s of a high value men is the one of the components that keeps those women around or something else?

    1. Have you ever watch my video on YouTube about why bad boy traits get women? Not that they are really bad boys but search it in my video list and watch the few that I’ve recorded. 🙂

  3. Apollonia

    Good article. I have found myself being too open, too early. I guess due being hurt in prior relationships, I decided to put things on the table testing their tolerance because I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time or mine with a relationship that may come to a dead end. I learned from each relationship that I was not whole and had to take time to learn who I really am so that I would not need to look for validation through a female/woman which removed the sense of neediness. As men, this is where we miss the mark, not sharing our emotions. This must be done with balance. Now, it would also be helpful for women to tell us what they really want/desire without having to guess and get upset when we don’t understand. I have enjoyed your video and they have validated what I had to learn through pain.

    1. Hi Torey,

      Exactly. Balance is the keyword for showing emotions. Love that! I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog about how to stop being needy and I’m so happy you took the time to respond. Relationships are lessons and I know if you keep your search humble and women of value you will then receive it especially since you honor your value. 🙂

  4. Apollonia,
    actually only after this reading i got what is vunerability in a relationship… I will start to apply… make intentional efforts for at least three weeks…
    Thank you and congratulatons for how you got the point!

    1. Hi Claudio,

      Thank you for reading my blog bout how to stop being needy. Wishing you all the best!

    2. Hello Ms. Apollonia,
      Thank you for taking the time to write this piece of pie and all the other pieces as well. While I don’t think all the bits will ever be there to have a full pie (it would probably cover the size of our sun), what you offer up is more than enough of a taste of freedom to guide many men, and women, to actually desire to break free from popular misconceptions and misunderstandings and helping to show people that there is more to themselves and relations with others.
      What is pleasant to see, and you continuously do this, is that you give kudos to other speakers, therapists, authors, etc. and your ability to find/use the ones with similar values to you and the proper individual people for your individual topic being discussed.
      The perfect choice for this article was Brene Brown (she had become one of my favorite authors of all genres). Until you had mentioned her, I did have a difficult time reading and understanding the sentences of your article. When you quoted Brene Brown then you stating to have the courage to be imperfect it struck a chord of memory from “Rising Strong”.
      Then I reread your article and understood what was being conveyed. You had, again, given another way of transcribing your message.
      Thank you again for all the time, the amount of energy, and desire you put into showing up and doing your best to help others navigate through life and becoming better, richer people.
      Many Blessings,

  5. Nice article Apollonia. I have always said that balance is the happy median for a good relationship to be successful. As for myself, I have always tended to put my cards on the table after a while especially when I feel we are at a good enough point in our relationship. Sadly sometimes we move at different paces so when I put my cards on the table she wasn’t ready to show her hand. However we continued growing and I thought all was well. I have always understood vulnerability in a relationship but after reading your article I was finally able to know what to call it and understand it from another perspective. It is critical to try to keep your emotions in check and release then slowly, I mean very slowly so not to come across as needy and weak. There is where I have faltered by the wayside most times. When being the Alpha and not mentioning my emotions I sometimes wonder if she thinks I am made of stone emotionally which is so far from the truth. So I try to keep a balance between Alpha and Beta hoping that it will work for me. The lessons learned are just to be yourself, keep a humble approach, do not show your emotions too early and give space and back off sometimes. keep the mystery alive and well. Giving space is sometimes very hard to do when you don’t see the signs, as girls just never tell you until its too late and they react.

    Great article Apollonia. Thank you for inviting me to read and participate.

    1. Hey Paul!

      Thank you for taking the time to write us and for reading How to Stop being Needy and Get The Girl You Want!
      I am so happy to hear you got so much from reading my blog.
      I have a wonderful program called the Alpha Male that I think you would enjoy.
      Just head to this link to review more information on the program:

      We wish you the best!
      Team Apollonia!

    1. Hey Muchemwa,

      Thank you for reading my blog post “How to Stop Being Needy and Get The Girl You Want!”
      If you enjoyed my blog, I know you are definitely going to like my Youtube channel and products!
      My Youtube Channel is Apollonia Ponti, and you can check out all of my products by heading to this link:

      We look forward to you checking out the rest of Apollonia’s content and are here for you whenever you need relationship advice!
      Team Apollonia

  6. I have never expressed interest in any woman no matter how strong it is because there is no evidence that anything positive could come from doing so. I am a fundamentally unattractive guy and I simply don’t have what it takes to attract any woman sexually – other guys are or can become attractive to women – I am not and cannot be, so I have no choice but to stay alone.

    1. Hi Ian,
      That is a choice you’re making! You don’t have to stay alone and you can absolutely find the one for you. You have to keep trying and change that mindset!
      -AP Team

      1. No, it is not a choice I am making. It is a rational calculation based on years of evidence.

        On what basis is your premise that I “can absolutely find the one for [me]” based?

        My belief that I simply don’t have what it takes to attract any woman sexually comes from decades of observing other guys and knowing I do not have what it takes.

  7. I do not approach women no matter how attracted I am because no woman shows interest in me. As such, I have no choice but to remain alone. I have many women friends who enjoy my company and I theirs, but I never express sexual interest in them (nor they in me) or any other woman, no matter how strong it is. Since no woman has ever given me an clear sign that she is interested in me in that way, it’s clear that I am not desirable sexually, and that any attempt to show my interest in any woman would be unwelcome.

  8. I’ve been told many times that “as soon as you meet a woman you’re attracted to, make sure she knows you’re interested in her within the first few minutes of meeting her.” I have no idea what this means – women can’t help who they’re attracted to and they are certainly not attracted to me. I’m 43 and have many women friends but have never had a girlfriend or been on a date. It is clear that I am not capable of being more than a friend, because life has shown me that I am fundamentally unattractive.

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