The 5 Warning Signs Of Trauma Bonding
My name is Apollonia Ponti. I’m your dating, relationship, and life coach, and I know everything there is to know about what women want and expect from men. As a woman and a wonderful wife, I understand everything there is to know about women when it comes to relationship matters, and I enjoy helping men learn these things so they may have the love, relationship, and dating lives they desire. That’s enough about me. Let’s get to work!
People frequently ask me what a trauma bond is. In today’s blog post, I’ll help provide a logical response to the topic by providing a simple description of what’s a trauma bond and its indicators because many times we enter relationships and have no idea what the other person is going through.
I frequently witness trauma bonds and guys attempting to comprehend them. Not only because they might be in one, but also because the girl they want keeps returning to this man, who possibly did not treat her well, and you’re this fantastic person, and you’re wondering, “why doesn’t she choose me?” In this post, I’m going to respond to that question because, in truth, it has nothing to do with you. I highly urge you to read to the bottom because each paragraph will include sensitive details, and I will, of course, give you a tip for doing so.
What is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond is a deep emotional attachment that forms in a relationship marked by emotional, physical, or both forms of violence. Trauma bonding usually develops as a result of a continuous cycle of abuse, right? Bonding occurs as a result of a continuous cycle, and in this case, it is due to a painful encounter with another person, either subconsciously or consciously.
Typically, this might occur as a result of this other person’s earlier childhood traumas, in which she feels inadequate and often fears being abandoned, or that she is unlovable, or that she lacks self-love, and when this occurs, it is reinforced by reward or punishment. The reward is high, but the punishment is small. What happens to this person’s psyche is that when the trauma bond’s punishment occurs, it may be abuse, and when abuse occurs, the reward may be high, leaving the person to statements like, “I can’t live without you,” or “I love you so much.”
Also, in the punishment, there’s a role that such a person in the middle plays, and that other person with the trauma bond can sometimes feel like they have a role to play because of the different levels of reward and punishment. This builds strong emotional attachments that are sometimes resistant to change.
The reason for this is that when we truly grasp how the mind and relationships function, it introduces a highly unhealthy relationship mechanism in which the highs and lows are so extreme that you begin to create an emotional bond since it can be perceived as a secret. Your little secret, or the fact that the sex is so fantastic, confuses, and it is because it’s toxic and the hormones are surging. That’s bad for you!
In your mind, you move from a high to a low, and when you’re at your lowest, you want to rush back to the high because the high is so satisfying. It’s almost as if it’s a drug. Also, this occurs as a result of traumatic experiences, correct? I feel that traumatic events are quite essential and that forming a link with the other person can occur as a result of a cycle of violence or verbal violence if that is the case.
People who have grown up in an abusive household may have a stronger link with you or the other person. For example, I have some clients who have never come from an abusive environment but yet end up in this situation, and the reason for this blog post is that if a woman lacks self-love, she is more likely to end up in situations like this. I know from personal experience that one of the reasons I ended up, myself, in toxic relationships was because I lacked self-love. I was terrified of being abandoned. I was dependent on others.
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Signs of A Trauma Bond Relationship
You may be confused if this applies to you because not all abusive events result in trauma bonding. These are some of the clear signals that you’re in a trauma bonding relationship.
• An abuse victim covers up or makes explanations for the abuser’s actions in front of others.
• An abuse victim lies about the abuse to friends or family.
• A victim does not feel safe or capable of leaving an abusive circumstance.
• A victim of abuse believes the abuse is their fault.
• A victim devotes time and energy to his love connection at the expense of his friendships, family, and other relationships.
• He has an extreme fear of getting over the partner if he leaves her.
• A victim believes the abuser is the only person who can meet their desires.
Trauma Bond Defined: Understanding The Abuser
I was dependent on external sources of fun rather than internal ones in my environment, which is why I do the work that I do now since I grew up in these circumstances and was able to teach and learn from them. I wouldn’t have done half the things I did if I had had my wits about me back then, but my suffering has now become my testimony. That is why I am unable to relieve someone’s suffering. Men typically want to patch things when they have bad experiences because they believe that their art, love, care, and support are enough to make things better.
Men believe that their actions speak louder than their words, but oftentimes, it’s what you don’t do that speaks louder, especially in these situations, because when you’re trying to persuade someone to be with you, whether it’s in this predicament or this experience, you’re never going to win in this situation. They have to make a different decision, right?
Typically, the abuse is concealed by someone expressing concern for you, creating a sense of guilt. Remember that responsibility I mentioned? There is a toxic mentality that is used to make the other person feel selfish if they don’t want to stay with the abuser or if they leave the abuser. They believe they are responsible, but their actions are veiled by guilt, sabotage, and deception.
If this has happened to you or if you’ve done it previously, you need to be very clear about why you’re doing it, right? Typically, the abuser abuses because they feel inadequate themselves, or, on top of that, and this is not an excuse, I’m not saying I’m explaining anything, It’s because the lessons they learned as a child are only now coming true in their adult lives, and they didn’t take the necessary precautions to change their subconscious beliefs, and their patterns that likely played in family relationships as a child, from their father, from their mother, are possibly from another relationship they’ve had.
They believe that the abuser will sometimes feel as if they aren’t good enough because their bond with the abuser is based on the fact that they demonstrate affection, right? They’ll show them incredible affectionate love and even do things for them that they’ll say, “Wow, no other guy or woman has ever done this to me before,” but then they’ll make them feel guilty.
In these trauma ties, there’s often a sense of superiority that might be perplexing the other. This usually happens to someone who is looking for love and has a history of traumatic abuse. That’s why I believe you can’t take away someone’s suffering because it can become their purpose.
Pain is, in the end, the foundation of growth, and life is all about learning. When we try to get someone out of this, we’ll be extremely cautious and worried about their well-being, as would be normal for anyone. However, in this case, we can’t take it away from them since they must figure it out on their own. Nobody else can persuade them. We may even deny that the victim is unwanted as a result of the abuse.
It spirals out of control until you strike rock bottom. When a person reaches rock bottom, he or she is usually able to see things in a new light, and everyone’s rock bottom is distinct. This is a message to those who are trying to figure out why this woman or this man keeps returning to this extremely unhealthy, pointless, and destructive relationship.
The worst thing you can do is try to persuade this person that you are the right person for them. Because of what she’s going through, no matter how fantastic you are as a man, this woman won’t be able to recognize it right now. It’s as if a black cloud has descended upon her, and she is unable to see the sun. The only reason you will transition is that you’ve opted to leave this individual on her own.
Break The Cycle of Trauma Bonding
What happens if you try to persuade this woman to leave this person, or if you try to persuade her to stay in this relationship by interfering and becoming involved in it? Your integrity and worth will be questioned consciously and subconsciously.
The best thing to do is to take a seat on the sidelines. You are welcome to come in now and then and tell her she deserves better. Perhaps she has realized that she is deserving of better, but the point is that you can’t persuade someone to view things differently if they aren’t willing to see them at all.
Getting away from this person and realizing that you shouldn’t be reliant on them or consider devoting yourself to someone who is probably not healthy. Because people who are in a trauma bond relationship are more likely to be subjected to narcissistic abuse, as well as manipulation. All of this can have an unintended impact on their next relationship.
Even if she was to get over this trauma bonding relationship, that does not mean we should jump into a relationship with her straight away. It means we give her the space she needs to figure out who she is. What is life like for her? What is her sense of independence now? How is she going to grow from this? How is she going to forgive, let go, and heal from the trauma?
This is significant since you will never be her champion healer. It takes more than a snap of the fingers to find a woman in a relationship like this. It takes time, therefore my advice to you is to let go and let things be, and concentrate on why you are drawn to someone who is not showing up in the best capability that you deserve.
This is usually caused by codependency, which is why I created My Break Free of Codependency. If you identify with this storyline, or if this is something you’ve experienced or are experiencing, I advise you to download my product and break free from your codependency. This is a significant personal development product. This product took me over a year to create.
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I can honestly say a majority of my earlier in-life relationships were probably trauma bonding until I “woke up” and went down a path of healing myself and my inner child. I had a messed up childhood and until you know the mistakes you are making are the results of surviving and not living and growing…well you don’t know until you know right?
This is such a beautiful comment. I can fully understand this as I’ve been here and so happy you’ve had some understanding as well. 🙂 xo
Wow this hits home. I have been married to my wife for going on 13yrs now. I emotionally abused her this whole time and did not even comprehend what I was doing. It took me a good look in the mirror to finally admit that I didn’t know everything like I thought i did and needed help. I have been working with Natalie is she has helped me out so much I’m pretty sure she saved my marriage and if not my marriage at least I know I’m finally becoming the best version of myself! Self awareness is key.
Now I’m looking to figure out my next step.. obviously my wife needs help to heal her wounds and I need to figure out what interdependence is all about! I feel like I finally returned to the honeymoon feeling which is great I just hope my wife can one day respect me and admire me the way she once did. It’s still hard feeling like she doesn’t miss me when we’re apart for the day.
I know how hard this can be, I am so happy to hear that you’ve worked with Coach Natalie on this. I hope you can continue your self-growth journey with us. It’s always our pleasure to help you and others face these issues head-on!
I’ve been in several toxic relationships with women who were very toxic and has a very big effect on my dating even now. I’m so used to toxic women and there love bombing that i am not sure how to persue a woman and court her correctly where it is mutual. I jump all in too quickly and it creates a trauma bond because i feel like if i don’t they won’t stay and I’ll get rejected again, that fear is big for me. Im determined to break this and get out of my own way.
I know how hard this can be. Thank you so much for sharing this and I know you can break out of this, it will take time but stay strong!
If you need one on one coaching with me I highly suggest checking out my coaching page:)
This speaks directly to my situation. I was broken up with 2 months ago, and our relationship lasted 2 months. She was previously in a 6 year relationship and was married less than a year before that relationship. I have been single most of my life, so I wasn’t aware of all the red flags she was throwing my way. She was only single 3 months after her 6 year relationship, and then there I was as a band aid for her pain. We used each other to validate ourselves I believe. I was love bombed the first month and then things were getting toxic the second month. I’m still a little heartbroken but I realized how much work I needed to do on my co dependency. I hope she meant what she said when she told me she has a lot to work on herself. I believe she was emotionally, and maybe physically abused in her past. I was completely different from her past relationships as I was told that on multiple occasions. The biggest challenge that I have faced is not being able to let go fully. I was the good guy that showed her she deserved better, but that wasn’t enough as you mentioned in the blog. I’ve talked to Cynthia about this in our coaching sessions, it has helped me heal.
Wow, such awareness in all of this. So happy this blog has also helped. Yes, it can be hard to let go because these types of relationships emulate “bonding” and sometimes can trigger us or feel familiar depending on what has happened in your upbringing and relationships. Remember relationships are also lessons and all of them aren’t meant for forever. Most times they prepare us for what we want and what’s best for us. Don’t give up!
So if you find yourself in relationship with traumatic history and is bringing it forth to the new relationship should you continue to date them or fix them.in the relationship or its better to leave it.since they start disrespecting you probably because of the past trauma
Keyword “Fix Them” you can never fix someone. They have to do it themselves. We will lose ourselves in that. People will only respect you if you respect yourself. That is key. Past trauma can make disrespect familiar so this may be something to look into. I would encourage membership or private coaching.
Yeah, “fix them” seems like the incorrect approach. I’m not a mechanic and she’s not a broken clockwork. But maybe “help them” can work? I’m in something that’s both extremely complicated and extremely helpful. We’ve bonded over similar traumatic experiences (I thought this is what “trauma bonding” meant), and in the beginning were incredibly co-dependent. We’ve grown attached, drifted apart, yadda yadda, but over all the time never stopped with self-development.
We’re now at the point where we realize how we’re triggering each other’s trauma moments and made a promise to watch out for each other (just a few hours ago, by the way, so coming across this blog posting was… interesting). I’ve no idea where this is going to go, but the moments with her are often the most sensitive and relieving, and I hope we can slowly put an end to the stressful ones. I can certainly say that without her, I would never have made the advancement over the past few years that I did.
My co-dependency is on its way out btw. I’m looking elsewhere, and I’m very much aware that despite the progress she’s already made she’s still far from healed (not “fixed”). I have the feeling that no sane man who knew as much about her as I do would ever even think of pursing a relationship with her, but then she’s insanely beautiful (man, that fits), and we all know how quickly this triggers neediness…
Not sure I even need a comment, I guess it just felt good writing this down. Already purchased a lot of your stuff btw, in particular the Co-Dependency Training, so that’s that 😉
Thank you so much for sharing! I know, “fixed” was a poor choice of words, thank you so much for pointing that out to me.
You made a remark you’d personally respond to remarks your blog on Friday, December 10. I had a situation last March with a bartender at a restaurant I no longer frequent. I went there once a month. I’m only a customer, nothing more. When I first started going there, she was the most wonderful person in the world towards me. She’s telling me personal items most women don’t tell me (i.e. being adopted, e×-husband who lives in Newport Beach, CA). By choice, she gave me the most sincere hug I’ve ever had in my life. Later on, she’s telling not come in till 11:30 because she’s not ready. The restaurant opens at 11:00. The last straw was having her ask me what my hearing was like. Essentially, she’s telling me to get lost. When I didn’t leave the usual gratuity amount, she’s wondering if I’m mad. I didn’t respond. I’ve walked away. In longer give my business to them. She works at another restaurant under the same ownership. I went there. She laughed at me because of what I spent. I no longer go there either.
Hi Apollonia, how do I deal with a woman who is much more financially stable than me
Great question. Embrace this but at the same time if you are working towards your goals and ambitions then this can still be motivating to be around. I would ask what are the insecurities that come up when you think about this for you. When you both go out have some boundaries on what you want to do but if you can go out and both have an understanding of who pays or how you would want this to be done then discuss this. Hope this helps! 🙂
I am members of you Apollonia. I have been relationship with a lady for 2 years. The Covid-19 made me hard because in 2020 forward. I want to build my future with her. She have been with a man told willing to leave her ex. I am committed and open mind person not learn from other. I would like to meet her in US. I mean she belong in UFC. She told recently when I am in US leave him. I have got my potential got higher again. Its difficult to make you understand our society ain’t open as such. There was conflict arose but I believe. I build my everything by myself and work on my finances. I started build my business recently provide stand for myself. I protective of my lady how I am brought up. Please Its a long distance and long term. I need your advice. I hope you are having a great holiday. I wish you have a wonderful morning. I thank you for giving me the opportunity.
I would love to advise you on this. I hope you can book a coaching call with me so I can learn a little more about what happened in your relationship in order to give you the advice you need.