My name is Apollonia Ponti. I’m your dating, relationship, and life coach, and I know everything there is to know about what women want and expect from men. As a woman and a wonderful wife, I understand everything there is to know about women when it comes to relationship matters, and I enjoy helping men learn these things so they may have the love, relationship, and dating lives they desire. That’s enough about me. Let’s get to work!
People frequently ask me what a trauma bond is. In today’s blog post, I’ll help provide a logical response to the topic by providing a simple description of what’s a trauma bond and its indicators because many times we enter relationships and have no idea what the other person is going through.
I frequently witness trauma bonds and guys attempting to comprehend them. Not only because they might be in one, but also because the girl they want keeps returning to this man, who possibly did not treat her well, and you’re this fantastic person, and you’re wondering, “why doesn’t she choose me?” In this post, I’m going to respond to that question because, in truth, it has nothing to do with you. I highly urge you to read to the bottom because each paragraph will include sensitive details, and I will, of course, give you a tip for doing so.
What is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond is a deep emotional attachment that forms in a relationship marked by emotional, physical, or both forms of violence. Trauma bonding usually develops as a result of a continuous cycle of abuse, right? Bonding occurs as a result of a continuous cycle, and in this case, it is due to a painful encounter with another person, either subconsciously or consciously.
Typically, this might occur as a result of this other person’s earlier childhood traumas, in which she feels inadequate and often fears being abandoned, or that she is unlovable, or that she lacks self-love, and when this occurs, it is reinforced by reward or punishment. The reward is high, but the punishment is small. What happens to this person’s psyche is that when the trauma bond’s punishment occurs, it may be abuse, and when abuse occurs, the reward may be high, leaving the person to statements like, “I can’t live without you,” or “I love you so much.”
Also, in the punishment, there’s a role that such a person in the middle plays, and that other person with the trauma bond can sometimes feel like they have a role to play because of the different levels of reward and punishment. This builds strong emotional attachments that are sometimes resistant to change.
The reason for this is that when we truly grasp how the mind and relationships function, it introduces a highly unhealthy relationship mechanism in which the highs and lows are so extreme that you begin to create an emotional bond since it can be perceived as a secret. Your little secret, or the fact that the sex is so fantastic, confuses, and it is because it’s toxic and the hormones are surging. That’s bad for you!
In your mind, you move from a high to a low, and when you’re at your lowest, you want to rush back to the high because the high is so satisfying. It’s almost as if it’s a drug. Also, this occurs as a result of traumatic experiences, correct? I feel that traumatic events are quite essential and that forming a link with the other person can occur as a result of a cycle of violence or verbal violence if that is the case.
People who have grown up in an abusive household may have a stronger link with you or the other person. For example, I have some clients who have never come from an abusive environment but yet end up in this situation, and the reason for this blog post is that if a woman lacks self-love, she is more likely to end up in situations like this. I know from personal experience that one of the reasons I ended up, myself, in toxic relationships was because I lacked self-love. I was terrified of being abandoned. I was dependent on others.
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Signs of A Trauma Bond Relationship
• An abuse victim covers up or makes explanations for the abuser’s actions in front of others.
• An abuse victim lies about the abuse to friends or family.
• A victim does not feel safe or capable of leaving an abusive circumstance.
• A victim of abuse believes the abuse is their fault.
• A victim devotes time and energy to his love connection at the expense of his friendships, family, and other relationships.
• He has an extreme fear of getting over the partner if he leaves her.
• A victim believes the abuser is the only person who can meet their desires.
Trauma Bond Defined: Understanding The Abuser
I was dependent on external sources of fun rather than internal ones in my environment, which is why I do the work that I do now since I grew up in these circumstances and was able to teach and learn from them. I wouldn’t have done half the things I did if I had had my wits about me back then, but my suffering has now become my testimony. That is why I am unable to relieve someone’s suffering. Men typically want to patch things when they have bad experiences because they believe that their art, love, care, and support are enough to make things better.
Men believe that their actions speak louder than their words, but oftentimes, it’s what you don’t do that speaks louder, especially in these situations, because when you’re trying to persuade someone to be with you, whether it’s in this predicament or this experience, you’re never going to win in this situation. They have to make a different decision, right?
Typically, the abuse is concealed by someone expressing concern for you, creating a sense of guilt. Remember that responsibility I mentioned? There is a toxic mentality that is used to make the other person feel selfish if they don’t want to stay with the abuser or if they leave the abuser. They believe they are responsible, but their actions are veiled by guilt, sabotage, and deception.
If this has happened to you or if you’ve done it previously, you need to be very clear about why you’re doing it, right? Typically, the abuser abuses because they feel inadequate themselves, or, on top of that, and this is not an excuse, I’m not saying I’m explaining anything, It’s because the lessons they learned as a child are only now coming true in their adult lives, and they didn’t take the necessary precautions to change their subconscious beliefs, and their patterns that likely played in family relationships as a child, from their father, from their mother, are possibly from another relationship they’ve had.
They believe that the abuser will sometimes feel as if they aren’t good enough because their bond with the abuser is based on the fact that they demonstrate affection, right? They’ll show them incredible affectionate love and even do things for them that they’ll say, “Wow, no other guy or woman has ever done this to me before,” but then they’ll make them feel guilty.
In these trauma ties, there’s often a sense of superiority that might be perplexing the other. This usually happens to someone who is looking for love and has a history of traumatic abuse. That’s why I believe you can’t take away someone’s suffering because it can become their purpose.
Pain is, in the end, the foundation of growth, and life is all about learning. When we try to get someone out of this, we’ll be extremely cautious and worried about their well-being, as would be normal for anyone. However, in this case, we can’t take it away from them since they must figure it out on their own. Nobody else can persuade them. We may even deny that the victim is unwanted as a result of the abuse.
It spirals out of control until you strike rock bottom. When a person reaches rock bottom, he or she is usually able to see things in a new light, and everyone’s rock bottom is distinct. This is a message to those who are trying to figure out why this woman or this man keeps returning to this extremely unhealthy, pointless, and destructive relationship.
The worst thing you can do is try to persuade this person that you are the right person for them. Because of what she’s going through, no matter how fantastic you are as a man, this woman won’t be able to recognize it right now. It’s as if a black cloud has descended upon her, and she is unable to see the sun. The only reason you will transition is that you’ve opted to leave this individual on her own.
Break The Cycle of Trauma Bonding
What happens if you try to persuade this woman to leave this person, or if you try to persuade her to stay in this relationship by interfering and becoming involved in it? Your integrity and worth will be questioned consciously and subconsciously.
The best thing to do is to take a seat on the sidelines. You are welcome to come in now and then and tell her she deserves better. Perhaps she has realized that she is deserving of better, but the point is that you can’t persuade someone to view things differently if they aren’t willing to see them at all.
Getting away from this person and realizing that you shouldn’t be reliant on them or consider devoting yourself to someone who is probably not healthy. Because people who are in a trauma bond relationship are more likely to be subjected to narcissistic abuse, as well as manipulation. All of this can have an unintended impact on their next relationship.
Even if she was to get over this trauma bonding relationship, that does not mean we should jump into a relationship with her straight away. It means we give her the space she needs to figure out who she is. What is life like for her? What is her sense of independence now? How is she going to grow from this? How is she going to forgive, let go, and heal from the trauma?
This is significant since you will never be her champion healer. It takes more than a snap of the fingers to find a woman in a relationship like this. It takes time, therefore my advice to you is to let go and let things be, and concentrate on why you are drawn to someone who is not showing up in the best capability that you deserve.
This is usually caused by codependency, which is why I created My Break Free of Codependency. If you identify with this storyline, or if this is something you’ve experienced or are experiencing, I advise you to download my product and break free from your codependency. This is a significant personal development product. This product took me over a year to create.
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