Television and movies make it seem like it’s so easy for everyone to have mind-blowing orgasms, but the truth is that it isn’t that straightforward. It’s not as simple as just hopping in bed with someone. Reaching climax involves multiple factors, and once you understand these elements, you can reach that incredible moment of release!
I wanted to write a piece on how to have an orgasm that is fully equipped with reasons why people struggle, what to do in your daily life to make your sex life amazing, new positions to try that are amazing for both him and her, and what to do at the moment to help you reach the peak!
Many times, people come to me for help because they feel like their libido isn’t what it was before, or they feel like they’re unable to reach orgasm. This is an incredibly frustrating feeling, especially when you feel like it’s having a negative effect on your relationship. Sometimes the result is even a mental block, that makes it harder and harder to reach orgasm!
Let’s get to the bottom of it and set you on the right path towards having sex that is incredible for both you and your partner!
Having an orgasm: What can cause a person to have trouble
Each person is entirely unique, so I am going to give you a wide range of possible reasons for having difficulty with reaching orgasm, and it’s going to be up to you to pinpoint what sounds like it strikes a chord with you. Once you spot the root of the issue, you’re going to have a considerably easier time rectifying the situation!
Sometimes it’s as simple as not having found the right position yet, and other times it stems from something a bit deeper.
Before we begin, I want to take a moment to warn you about the worst thing to do in this situation. When you’re working on improving your sex life and finding a way to have an amazing orgasm, the absolute worst thing you could possibly do is put pressure on yourself.
Having an orgasm is about enjoying the moment and giving in to desire. If you’re constantly in your head, trying to make sure that you’re going to reach orgasm and that you’re doing everything right… Well, you’re not going to be letting yourself have fun and be fully present in the moment. Once you begin to place pressure on yourself to have an orgasm, you’re going to tense up. Chances are that the result will be that you won’t actually climax.
There is no reason to put all your focus on your performance or on “the goal.” Learn to let go and just enjoy… If you don’t, you risk feeling like you’re not measuring up to your and your partner’s expectations. Any type of negative thinking is going to make it hard to find that sweet release.
Now, that said, what we need to do is explore all the ways that you can make the moment as incredible as it can be while fully enjoying yourself!
The mind is a powerful thing, so make sure you’re using its power in the best way possible. Self-confidence and enjoying the present moment are two of the most important things when it comes to understanding how to have an orgasm, and how to make a person orgasm!
Male orgasm: Why some men have difficulty
I’m sure you’ve heard of the two most common issues related to the male orgasm: Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction.
Premature ejaculation is when a man orgasms too soon, and ED is when a man experiences trouble with remaining erect. There is however a third issue that we don’t hear of quite as much, but that doesn’t mean it’s not equally common.
Many people assume that having an orgasm is one of the easiest things in the world for a man. Truth be told, that isn’t always the case.
Some men experience difficulty with ejaculation and orgasm, and it can be caused by a variety of factors. Some of the most common ones include:
– Stress: When a person is feeling stressed out and distracted, it can have a direct effect on their sex life. Keep in mind that stress isn’t always from work or family. It can also be linked to a fear of sexually transmitted disease, religious upbringing, or fear of pregnancy. It is also sometimes the result of any form of resentment towards a partner. For example, anger after an argument, or a grudge that’s being held.
– Focusing too much on giving and neglecting to receive: I sometimes work with coachees who experience trouble with having a satisfying orgasm (or any orgasm at all) because they don’t realize that they’re neglecting their own pleasure. They become so caught up with their performance and with pleasuring their partner that they forget that sex is an exchange. Both partners are meant to give and receive.
– Medications or age: Some mediations will have side effects like a decreased sex drive, and if you’re taking anything that might be doing this make sure that you discuss it with your doctor. Age can also be a factor, and the remedy can sometimes be as simple as increased stimulation.
– Masturbation: Some men unwittingly train their bodies to only reach orgasm in a certain way, so it becomes hard for their partners to know what exactly needs to happen in order to get him to orgasm.
– Emotional factors: I’ve worked with some coachees who have experienced issues with orgasm because they’re still emotionally attached to an ex-partner. Feelings of guilt or desire for someone else can cause a person to feel blocked from having an orgasm.
All of these issues have solutions, but it’s important to know the root of the issue if you want to find the appropriate solution.
Why some women struggle to have an orgasm
When it comes to the best ways to have an orgasm, I’d like you to keep two things in mind:
These two elements are going to be the key factors in having an orgasm, and the issues related to having an orgasm are directly related to these two elements as well.
As a coach, many men come to me for help because they feel like they’re struggling to feel fully satisfied in bed by their partners. After having analyzed many of these situations, I’ve come to the realization that I often see the same recurring issues.
– Negative body image: When a person doesn’t feel comfortable being naked, they’re going to feel distracted from making love with their partner. Many women who are not content with their bodies are less likely to talk about what they want more or initiate sex and/or new experiences. It’s a perfectly natural and very human being to have insecurities, but it’s also possible to get rid of them. Keep in mind that your partner is most likely thrilled to be in bed with you, so don’t hesitate to ask him what he loves about your body. People often have an easier time reaching a climax when they know their partner finds them sexy and desirable.
– Struggling to tell him/her what you really want: Sometimes you already know how to orgasm, but you just need him to do something differently. The only thing is that you’re not quite sure how to tell him. I see many people who don’t dare tell their partner that “they’re doing it wrong” because they don’t want them to take it the wrong way. There are plenty of ways to remedy this. For example, you can guide him, or by showing him.
– Not wanting sex as often as he/she does: It’s not uncommon for one partner to have a larger sexual appetite than the other, especially after having been together for a while. At the beginning of the relationship, you both wanted to make love all the time, but as the honeymoon stage passes, perhaps you don’t crave it as much as your partner does. The absolute best way to fight this is to introduce new things, but I’ll expand on that a bit later on in the article.
– Not enough foreplay. If you really want to have an orgasm, I cannot stress the importance of foreplay enough. The purpose of it is of course to have fun, but it is also to help you to become even more aroused. The more aroused you are, the more sensitive you are to touch.
– Don’t forget clitoral stimulation: The clitoris has more nerve endings than the inside of the vagina, so don’t hesitate to stimulate it during sex. You can also ask your partner to stimulate it or use a vibrator while you’re making love.
– You might be trying too many positions: In an effort to keep things exciting, sometimes people will overdo it a bit and switch from position to position before you have a chance to settle in and enjoy. It’s great to try different positions out and figure out what works best for you, but allow yourself to consistently be in poison for long enough to ensure that you can reach climax.
Positions to try to help you both reach orgasm
When you’ve been together for a while, it’s not uncommon for things to feel a bit monotonous and predictable, and this can have a negative effect on how often you’re having orgasms. To combat this, I suggest spicing things up in the bedroom a bit! You can introduce props like a blindfold, or new toys, but don’t forget about all the new positions you could try.
I’ve compiled some different styles of positions that will be exciting for both of you!
In this article by Women’s Health (http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/sex-positions-guide/slide/3), they’ve given the name “Flatiron” to a position that is as easy as it is effective! She lays on her stomach with her hips slightly raised and legs straight, and he lays on her back as he enters her. This angle allows the guy to penetrate deeper and the tight fit makes him feel larger.
Another great one to try is having the woman hook her legs over the man’s shoulders. The angle of this sex position (that they’ve aptly named the “G-Whizz”) actually gives a man direct access to a woman’s G spot.
I think it’s safe to say that you’re familiar with the cowgirl position, where the woman is on top and she rides the man, but this position can be made even better for her if the man supports her weight by holding her thighs and lifting his pelvis up to meet her as she moves. Another common position that you’ve most likely tried before is “doggy-style”, but try it with the woman’s arms and head (and chest if she’s super flexible) resting on the bed. It makes the position more intense because the man can go even deeper.
“Corkscrew” is the name they’ve given to the position when she lays on her side on the edge of the bed with her legs closed, and he enters from behind. The closed legs make for a tighter fit!
The guy can sit on the edge of the bed and have the woman sit in his lap while they face forward. She rides him and his hands can explore the front of her body and pleasure her as she does.
“Magic Mountain” consists of the man sitting with his legs bent, and her doing the same facing him. They get close enough so that his knees can go between hers to enter her, and the angle will be sure to excite both people, especially because as they can look in each other’s eyes.
“Seashell” has her on her back with her legs bent so that her knees are next to her ears. She can pleasure herself with her hands while he penetrates her and he can go deep. Seeing her touch herself can really turn a man on, and getting a good view of him can drive her wild too!
Another great sex move that is guaranteed to turn both people on is having the woman kneel over the man’s mouth while he orally stimulates her. She can move her hips and set the rhythm as well!
Men’s Health (http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/45-sex-positions-guys-should-know/slide/1) has some great suggestions as well, like “the cat.” This is a regular missionary style with a twist. Instead of laying directly on top of the woman, the man angles his body higher up and closer to one side of hers. She tilts her pelvis up and he’ll be able to stimulate her clitoris while he enters her.
Another position that comes from Men’s Health magazine is named “The Waterfall,” and it is guaranteed to drive a man wild with desire for his partner. He leans back off the edge of the bed with his shoulders and head on the ground. His hips should be on the edge of the bed, and she straddles him cowgirl style. The rush of blood to his head and member plus the view he’s getting will be enough to give both people an earth-shattering orgasm.
“The Hot Seat” is what they’ve dubbed the position where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed and she lowers herself down onto his lap (both people face forward). Think of this as the doggy style but with the woman in control. What’s more, she has access to his perineum and can reach down and stimulate it while he can move his hands over the front of her body.
Another great idea to try is doing this position while sitting on a washing machine. They’ve dubbed this the “Spin Cycle,” because you put the machine on the highest setting and climb aboard! The vibration will feel amazing for both of you what it’s a great way to have some fun at home using things that you might not have thought to try before!
One of the best (and easiest!) sex moves to try, is to give spooning a sexual twist. This is a great one to try when you’re waking up in the morning and the mood is right. Ladies, if he’s spooning you, gently rub your bum into his groin to let him know what’s on your mind. Your closed legs give him a snug fit, and feeling his body along the length of yours is a huge turn on as well.
As I said, don’t hesitate to bring props into the mix! Go to a sex store together and look around at what kinds of toys look fun to try out. I mentioned playing around with a blindfold. You know, when the eyes are covered, the other senses are heightened…
You can both try some sex games! (http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/g693/fun-games-to-play-in-bed/?slide=7)
Have some fun with role play, or restraints! If you’re into it, one of you gets tied to the bed and the other can do whatever they want. The feeling of powerlessness and domination turns some people on like never before. You can bring a feather, an ice cube, or some hot wax (use massage wax so it doesn’t burn!) into the mix. One of the ideas in the link above is “sexy truth or dare.” You can learn quite a bit about your partner’s fantasies and you both can turn up the heat with this one.
How to have an orgasm: The best techniques for reaching climax!
When it comes to ensuring that you can reach climax, there are a few elements that must be taken into consideration:
1. Understanding that sex and pleasure involve both people.
2. Open dialogue.
4. Trying new things and having fun.
Many people make the mistake of focusing all their energy into either pleasing their partners or ensuring that they’re satisfied themselves. Sex is an exchange, and it’s important to pay attention to what makes sex amazing for both people involved.
My goal as a goal is to help guide people to find out what they like the most. To help you pinpoint the answer to this question, I invite you to think about the answers to this introspection exercise:
– Which positions or styles of lovemaking do you enjoy the most?
– At which moment do you feel the most amount of emotions?
– What are your fantasies?
Answering these questions will help you to discover more about what excites you the most. Having an orgasm is about introducing freshness, excitement, pleasure, and desire.
Both you and your partner should actively seduce one another, and if you’d like to learn more about that I invite you to read this article for him and this article for her.
Work together to come up with new experiences like renting a hotel room during the day and spending some alone time together in the hot tub… Check out a sex store, or make love somewhere you haven’t made love before…
Let’s get into the specifics for both men and women, shall we?
How to get an orgasm: Tools and techniques for men
People often make the mistake of thinking that it is only women who value a certain context for having a satisfying sexual experience, but men appreciate certain settings as well. It’s important to identify what kind of setting or mood can help you to feel at ease and the most turned on.
Similarly, don’t think that your only role in bed is to provide pleasure. Understanding what you enjoy and what you need in order to be fully stimulated is of utmost importance. It’s perfectly fine if one thing (ex. Oral sex or manual stimulation) provides you with more pleasure than another thing (ex, vaginal intercourse). These types of conversations should not be taboo in your relationship, so like I said, opening a dialogue about it can usher in very positive change for both you and your partner.
If you aren’t comfortable putting that into words quite yet, ease into it by guiding your partner. Again, this requires you to know what you like!
Though you might feel shy about it at first, be open to touching yourself in front of her. Allowing her to see you masturbate actually serves two purposes. She can learn exactly what you like, and it increases the intimacy between you. Self-revelation is one of the most powerful tools for intensifying the bond between two people, and the stronger the bond, the easier it becomes to develop a truly satisfying sex life.
Another answer to how to have an orgasm is sharing and bringing your fantasies to life. Tell your partner about any fantasies you might have. For example, making love on the beach in broad daylight, or any type of role-playing that might turn you on. Opening up to her about your fantasies will make her feel more at ease with opening up to you about hers!
While you’re making love, don’t hesitate to imagine yourself in a situation or setting that is directly related to your fantasies. You’d be surprised at how powerful the imagination is, even if you’re just in your own bedroom!
You can try lubricants that make both your skin and her skin more sensitive to touch. These will intensify the sensation and bring you closer to orgasm.
If you’re finding it very difficult to pinpoint the reasons behind your difficulty with reaching orgasm, consult with a doctor to rule out any possible medical issues or problems relating to medications.
As we dive further into how to have an orgasm, I wanted to outline some of the physical things you can do while you’re making love that will bring you closer to climax.
1. The perineum: You or your partner can gently massage this patch of skin between your penis and your butt. It’s a treasure chest of nerve endings, and based on the amount of pressure you use, you can either bring yourself closer to orgasm or press a bit harder to ensure that you can last longer.
2. Another way to reach orgasm is by finding your G spot. Yes, men have one too! It’s the prostate, and it can be reached via the perineum. If you want to get closer to it, you’ll have to reach around behind. It’s all about what you’re comfortable with and what feels good to you.
3. Exercise: Getting your blood flowing and feeling a rush of testosterone has been shown to improve a man’s orgasm. Try hitting the gym or going out for a run, and boost your energy, your stamina, and your testosterone!
4. Be present: I bet you sometimes find yourself getting lost in your thoughts during sex. Perhaps your thoughts are related to your partner, perhaps they aren’t! Hey, sometimes you’re even thinking about what show to watch later.
Bring your focus back to the present moment and you’ll have a much easier time having a powerful orgasm. Think about her skin, think about how it physically feels, think about the present moment.
How to have an orgasm for women
Generally speaking, having an earth-shattering orgasm isn’t something that just happens out of the blue. From time to time you may come across a partner who just knows all the right things to do to get you there, but truth be told, having an amazing orgasm is something that needs to be learned.
It takes practice and it requires understanding your body and knowing what kind of rhythms, movements, and erogenous zones excite you the most.
Here is where masturbation comes into play. If it is not something that you do, I encourage you to begin. In fact, I encourage you to focus on making yourself orgasm through masturbation before you involve your partner. It will permit you to discover your body and in turn, know what to communicate to your partner in regard to your own pleasure.
Though you might feel shy at first, one thing that I encourage couples to do is to masturbate in front of one another. As I explained in the previous section for men, it improves the situation in multiple ways. Allowing yourselves to be vulnerable and let each other in like this will strengthen your bond, which in turn will make it easier to be open about what you’d both enjoy,
Another tool for reaching climax is tensing up your muscles in your pelvis (the Kegel – which is the same muscle you contract when you have to pee really badly,) your abdominals, and your glutes. The more you tighten, the more blood flows, and this heightens stimulation.
If you feel like your thoughts are taking over, switch your focus to your partner’s body. Notice how what he’s doing feels, let yourself enjoy it, think about his skin, his hands, his lips, his hair, and bring yourself back to the moment. Leave no space for negative or distracting thoughts. Studies have shown that the more you think about how you’re trying to reach orgasm, the harder it actually will be to orgasm!
If you feel like you sometimes have trouble getting into the mood, try things like a sensual massage from your partner, watching something alone or together that turns you on, and don’t hesitate to try lubricants or stimulating creams.
Never underestimate the power of voicing how it feels and what you want. It can turn both of you on very much. If you haven’t already, you can try “dirty talk” as well. Ease into it and gauge your partner’s reaction. Most men become extremely aroused, so try it out and see if it’s for you.
Pay attention to which week of your cycle has you feeling the hungriest for sex. Many women experience a peak in their libido halfway through their cycle, right before their period or right after. Don’t miss these opportunities to spend some quality time in bed.
When you’re making love with your partner, he can try to find your G spot (which is on the inner front wall of the vagina.) Touching this spot can lead to some pretty powerful orgasms.
Having an orgasm is, of course, fantastic, but don’t let it take away from the intimate moment you’re sharing in bed with your partner. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t climax. You just have to work together to make sex enjoyable for both of you, and the more you do that, the closer you will get to have incredible orgasms.
I’d like to hear from you as well. If you have any questions or suggestions for our readers, don’t hesitate to leave your comment below!
All my best,