Is She Flirting With Me or Being Friendly?

That awkward moment when you think she may like you but then she tells you she was just being friendly! It’s awful. It leaves you confused and wondering, “Then why the hell were you flirting with me!?” I know why women flirt just to be nice as I’m a woman myself, but I also know how to test the waters to see if she is actually flirting or just being nice. In this article, I am going to give you the reasons why women flirt to just be friendly, but I am also going to give you the play by play on what to do when you aren’t sure. Now you can finally stop asking yourself, “Is she flirting or being friendly?”

There’s a huge misconception about being flirtatious and being friendly. A lot of people are just friendly and it might come across as them being interested when in reality it’s just how they are naturally. Did they playfully tease you, and did they come out and explicitly tell you that they are interested? Probably not, so let’s discuss how you can find out and what signals you have to look for the next time you both see each other.

As always, I welcome your comments and questions in the comment section below. Please feel free to share your story and it would be my pleasure to reply to you personally.

“Is she flirting with me?” Here are some major flirting signals:

  1. Talks about your future
  2. She does not talk about other men
  3. Mentions and notices things about you
  4. Usually available for you and initiates plans with you
  5. Gives you longer eye contact
  6. Positive Body Language
  7. Calls you often and keeps in contact
  8. Finds a way to be physical
  9. Sends you selfies

Read on below for more info on these!

Is she flirting or just being nice: Keep an eye out for these two behavioral traits!

I want to be able to break this down as best as possible for you before I give you the signals to pay attention to. The reason for this is that it’s important to understand the different behavioral traits women have adapted to. You can then gage where she is mentally, and focus on the tips that I am going to give you below. This is a true game changer! The two behavioral traits I am going to go over with you are when a woman is being nice and authentic in the way that she is interacting with you vs. a woman that is being friendly or flirting just for attention. You will feel like she welcomes the conversations with you and she is not judgemental of whatever is going on around you. She will also engage in conversations with you because she is truly interested in chatting and maybe a people person.

People often confuse this way of interacting with romantic interest because she is asking you questions and is having so many conversations with you. But here is the thing – I know it can be so confusing and you’re feeling like, “What the heck!? Why would she engage so much if she isn’t interested?” Well, remember that she has a right to engage, even if she isn’t romantically interested. It’s the same thing as asking, “Why do people talk to people,” and this is where men go wrong when engaging in conversations. They often end up getting the wrong idea because they didn’t pay attention to the signs I’m going to share with you below.

When you’re wondering, “Is she flirting or being nice,” remember that she will typically continue trying to have a conversation with you even if other people are around, but it should get more personable. It should be more about you. This type of woman will make you feel comfortable and she can be pretty enticing because of her open, humble demeanor.

On the other hand, a woman that is solely doing this for attention will engage in conversation with you but in a totally different way. She will ask a lot about surface level things and you will notice that she will be looking around at other things around you while you’re speaking. She will not be making eye contact with you and she may just want to talk about me, myself, and I.

Also, she could be a little off-putting, seem like she is bored with the conversation and does not want to be there. Eventually, if this is a girl that you are hanging around with, then she will sometimes flirt with you just to make herself feel good. It’s more like a cat and mouse game. She does it for fun but never takes it any further. If you find a woman that is doing this for fun and not taking it further, then it’s time to take 5 steps back and stop giving in to her behaviors. It is crucial to understand that if a woman likes you and she’s actually flirting, she will eventually let you know even if you don’t pick up on the signs at first.

I would suggest observing her threshold for flirtatious behavior. Observe her around other men, and especially her guy friends. If she is tactile, joking and overly playful with them, and she acts the same exact way around you, then chances are that she is just being friendly.

Find out her normal behavior first, and find out what her personality is like in other interactions so that you can determine whether she is flirting or just being friendly with you and others.

Is she interested in me or just being friendly? Flirting signs from a woman.

Talks about your future. She asks you if you believe in marriage if you want kids, and where you would like to be in ten years. She might even want to start traveling with you. It’s important that you don’t put on your blinders when it comes to this. If a woman just wants a travel buddy, that’s different. Don’t read this and say, “Well she has mentioned she wanted to travel!” Ok, that’s great if she did, but what other things about a relationship topic have been brought up around you?

She does not talk about other men. You might be thinking, “Well she does and it’s to make me jealous.” Well, if she does then she’s a little insecure with herself. A woman that is interested in you and is actually flirting will not want to want to talk about other men. She is going to want to try to impress you.

Mentions and notices things about you. She may mention that she likes your shirt or the outfit you chose for the day. She will notice things like you growing out your beard or that you got a haircut and then give you compliments. Typically speaking, when she compliments you, she will touch you, and that’s how you know she’s flirting.

Usually available for you and initiates plans with you. She is typically pretty available for you and wants to hang out.

Gives you longer eye contact. This is key! It’s the oldest one in the books but the one that has the most truth behind it. She will look at you more than she looks at everyone else. More often than not it will be accompanied by a smile on her face. She will hold eye contact with you because she is interested.

Body Language. She will play with her hair a little more when she is flirting and her body will typically be facing you so you have her full attention. She may giggle a lot more with you than she does with others. She may be a little shy around you, but I don’t mean she completely closes off. She just shows that she cares about what you say and how you react. She chooses her words wisely and can come across as a bit shy. If she is acting differently around you, laughing more, flipping her hair, touching you whenever she can, and she’s not like that around her friends, then she could be trying to seduce you.

Calls you often and keeps in contact. She will often reach out to you to check on you to see how you are and likes to keep the conversations going. The conversations often lead into “What are you doing this weekend or later?”

Finds a way to be physical. This has a lot to do with body language. She will find a way to get close to you and in the beginning stages, she will touch your shoulder or back as she is making eye contact with you. If this woman is always trying to be physical then it is something you should pay close attention to.

Sends you selfies. I don’t mean one selfie and then never does it again. She continues to send you photos when she knows she looks her best. Let’s say she’s going out for a girls night and she send you pics. She does this because she wants you to desire her and she wants you to see her at her best. It takes women a lot of effort to get dressed up so she does not want that effort to go to waste when she’s interested in a guy!

So, is she interested or just being friendly with you?

At the end of the day, you’re looking for these signs because you don’t want to get rejected! Right? Here is the thing. Some girls are just flirty and some just don’t know how to do it. You have to be able to get a girl on a date and meet up with you, even if she is shy. Shy women may even act kind of cold. So I want you to get the idea out of your head that you need to find out if she’s being flirty because it can be a waste of time.

You just need to be confident and go for it! If you are interested in a woman then just ask her out. You have nothing to lose. You are still going to be where you are. Stop being so careful about avoiding rejection. When men get rejected they are actually closer to getting the woman they want. You might embarrass yourself and you might not know how to react after you’ve been embarrassed but I’m going to tell you how to act! The best thing you can do after rejection is act as though nothing ever happened. Recover fast! I’ve coached so many men and the ones that have the most success are the ones that overcome their fear of rejection.

At the end of the day, women are attracted to a man that takes action. You asking a woman out on a date or even just asking her, “Are you flirting with me?” in a playful way will help you take the initiative with this relationship and this woman. You may have said the wrong thing but this is the only way to learn! It’s OK, and this is so important to the process. If you are a man that is trying to avoid this process altogether then you aren’t going to learn, and you aren’t going to know what to say.

You have to fall off the bike a couple times in order to learn. So, with that said, there is a fine line between a woman being flirty and a woman being friendly that is sometimes hard to distinguish. So if you truly want to get to the bottom of it then it’s time you just step up and question her intentions.
Remember, sometimes women flirt without any sexual intentions behind it because women genuinely believe that men and women can be friends. So the best thing that you can do is determine where she is by following the steps in this blog then making the move. If she rejects you in the end, act like it’s no big deal!

Your Coach,

Apollonia Ponti

Apollonia Ponti, an international certified coach and founder of She works with men to attract the woman they desire, build confidence, master their attraction skills and helps rebuild relationships.

You can find her expert advice on “is she using me”, plus a couple other of your core professional services, through her YouTube Channel, and Attract a Woman E-Book.

To get real results with women NOW! Change your life and master your attraction. Book a coaching session here.

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  1. Hi Apollonia Ponti.
    I’m watching your videos on YouTube from cape Town – South Africa and let me tell you this: “I Love it”… I’m becoming addicted of your videos all because is really helping me to make someone fall in love and chase me like nobody business!!!
    Please… Don’t stop.

    Make more videos like: “How to react when she ask forgiveness after something wrong that she have done? ”


    1. Crescêncio,
      I am so happy to hear this!!! I love hearing success stories just from my videos. Thank you for sharing. I will make a video similar to this. I actually have some videos that can help around this but I will def do one tailored to it.

  2. Hi Appolloina:
    I have contacted you before. I have this female co-worker who has given me very strong eye contact and has asked me to sit close to her when showing me things on the computer at work. She also plays with her hair and has in the past inquired on what I do weekends in conversations. When I tell her about these places I visit, she saids she would like to also go to these very same places. She has talked about other men in front of me but does not bring them up in a romantic way. She did say though that she liked our male supervisor leadership skills. She also did bring up another male employee that she and he have become “very, very good friends and that he is a nice man.” I am so confused! We have had no contact for about month now. I did see though at fast food restaurant and we did talked for about a half – hour. She was polite but we did not walk – out together. So, I do like her (Crush) but I don’t know if I am just wasting my time with her and I should me on.

  3. Is she flirting or being friendly? Well considering the man-hate of the #metoo hysteria, I’d say most likely,,,NEITHER!!!

  4. Hi Apollonia,

    I have a work colleague who I really like. I think she might be interested in me also as she displays a lot of the same actions you mention such as eye contact, touching (not often, but more than once), fidgeting, feet facing me, touching her hair, etc. when we meet. She often gives me compliments such as ‘you had a hair cut’ or ‘you changed your profile pic’ – ‘it looks good’.
    We seem to have a lot in common too and our conversation is never in those awkward uncomfortable silences.
    She’s invited me out with her work team and has come along for drinks with mine before however I’ve not been able to get her to come out alone with me. I need help.

    Recently I told her I am considering looking at jobs in other companies and she responded by saying if I leave then she will have to also as she can’t do her job with me (I have 2 other colleagues in my team who can support her role).

    There has been a couple of occasions where I invited her with our team for drinks after work or lunch at the local burger place where she has cancelled last minute although I can understand some of the reasons provide as she works closely with our Executive teams. However, she has suggested that we go for beers after these work socials.

    Am I convincing myself or is she really into me too?


  5. The best I can ever have with any woman is the friend zone, not because I’m a pushover, but because I am not, and cannot be, sexually attractive. I have a great job, take care of myself and have a wonderful sense of humour, but all of this is irrelevant. Men pursue and women choose in the mating game, meaning that men must compete for women’s attention. Other guys will always be chosen over me because they are attractive at a sexual level and I am not. This is my painful reality.

    1. Hi Pablo, thank you for taking the time to read Is She Flirting with me or Being Friendly? This sounds like a mindset shift! Women do not focus on a mans attractiveness as much as men do with women. Not typically. Women are emotional, we go with the guy who makes us feel safe, and that means safe emotionally.
      Keep working on yourself and fall in love with yourself first and you will see the difference.

  6. I have no idea what it feels like to be flirted with because no woman had ever flirted with me in my entire life. I work hard, have many hobbies and friends – male and female – and try not to think about the fact that i will never attract anyone. Holidays are difficult spent by myself and it’s really awkward when everyone else brings a significant other to events / parties and I’m the only one there alone. Often, people (mostly women) at these events ask me if I’m “still single” or “when I’m going to bring someone special to the party”, and I joke along, but I know the answers to these questions are ‘yes’ and ‘never’ respectively. Being fundamentally unattractive is a terrible thing, but it’s my reality. I’m not about to approach any woman no matter how attractive she is or what signals someone tells me she’s giving me because I know there is no way any woman could ever want me.

    1. Hi George, thank you for taking the time to read Is She Flirting With Me or Being Friendly? Women are more emotional when they pick their partners. We gravitate to the person who makes us feel emotionally safe. I would really suggest working on how you feel about yourself on the inside. Start learning how to fall in love with yourself, take yourself on dates. Take care of your health, eat right and exercise. The energy you give off is so important. That will either pull people towards you or push them away. Start telling yourself all of the things that you love about yourself.
      I would also suggest either booking a private coaching session or working on the Master Your Confidence Seminar

      1. Hi Apollonia – thank you for your response. Tbh, I work 10 to 14 hours per day and most weekends. When I’m not working (when I go to the occasional event with friends, for instance), I invariably feel like although I’m enjoying the company and having fun at the time, I’ll be going home alone as usual. People do enjoy my company at events – so the energy I put out must be at least somewhat positive – but the fact is, they’re already with someone and I’m alone. As to the things I love about myself, I’m pretty much drawing a blank.

      2. Hi Beautiful Apollonia,
        The content you have put together on youtube is superb. I would like to highlight one point. Women may choose a man who provides emotional security only when a woman is in a vulnerable place in her life. When people are in a good place in their life, men or women, they will only be drawn/attracted to things that will accentuate that. The gentlemen who have commented that because they are unattractive no women will give them the time. This is a true statement. Women want validation & attention, and a man that provides that, women tend to take advantage. It gives women that emotional security, you speak of, but it will not translate to romance 80% of the time. At the most, to fill a void of lonliness in their hearts women or men may indulge on that validation or attention. In the end, the ugly guy /girl will be heart broken, because the moment has passed and the one who took advantage will leave once the void in their heart is filled or they found something better. Ultimately, it comes down to a position of power. What is your value, and can the other party afford to lose that. In addition from a vedic astrological point of view. If mars or venus are not in synastry in each others chart, there will never be sexual attraction or romance. At the same time if mars and venus are in synastry and even if a man is ugly but his venus is strong in both D1 and D9 Navamsa chart, he will still find love. At the end of the day it is a numbers game and at the same time ones own luck/blessing. The tools you provide are essential and very important to have the right frame of mind, so men can recognize an opportunity when it comes. The gentlemen who post that because they are unattractive they can not get love is also a true statement because if you are not blessed to have love in this life. There is nothing that can change that even if the ugly person was beautiful.

        1. The Monk! Thank you for reading “Is She Flirting With Me or Being Friendly?”. We appreciate your support!

  7. * Dear Apollonia; *
    I just wanted to say you’re the real deal in all your advice as far as I’m concerned (sitting here in Sydney, Australia). I’m sick & tired of the usual sarcasm & sexist jokes towards women that most MALE authors throw in when giving flirting advice (I’m a 39 year old man). You genuinely reflect class & distinction in how you explain the quagmire of flirting.

    1. Hi Luke,
      Thank you for your comment on my blog “is she flirting with me or being friendly” Your comment sits so near to my heart as I know this is so true (unfortunately) thanks for encouraging me to keep doing what I’m doing. Also, I appreciate you pointing out the

  8. Okay so I work with a married mother and she gives me like 7 out of these 10 signs, she frequently touches me on the hands and shoulders, she almiost always seems excited to see me, I have a lot of long conversations with her, they can get pretty deep, she does talk about her husband sometimes, but she says some stuff to me that feels flirtatious, today she joked with me that she wanted to stay in my hotel room, another time she said that I could slap her and she wouldn’t mind, its very confusing because of her circumstances, not to mention she’s a coworker, I really just wanna dive in and ask her if I’m misinterpreting my interactions with her or not, and I’m really scared to do that because I could get reprimanded or fired if she takes it the wrong way. My name is Chloe and I’m a 19yo trans woman, thank you for hearing me out on this issue.

    1. Hey Chloe, thank you for reading is she flirting with me or being friendly. I would really suggest taking a step back and rethinking this. This woman is married. And she’s a coworker. If you’re looking for a relationship or someone to be with, I would really suggest dating people who are available. This woman is not available. If you find that you are attracted to people who are in relationships or are emotionally unavailable, then that’s something to look at. That usually indicates that you might be really afraid of opening up and being vulnerable with someone.
      I would really suggest walking away from this situation. Find your values and your boundaries. List off what you’re looking for. Available and excited to date you should be at the top of the list. I know it can be scary, try going out on dates with people who are aligned with what you want and can give you attention and affection. You deserve it.

  9. hahahahaha, after reading this, now I am sure which girl did want to have something with me and who did not. F * ck !!! Why does woman make everything so difficult? So much so, that I had to search in forums, and according to what I have read, I have missed the one that if I really wanted to have something, because I was waiting for a girl who would even introduce me to those who … hmmm they took to a hotel, what a sadness, hahahahaha naaa, well, that’s life, learn from mistakes to never fall back on them, excellent work.

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read Is she flirting with me or being friendly. That’s all we can do is learn from our mistakes and keep moving forward. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

  10. Very good reminders, thanks! I have learned these points over the years. I observe if they touch, how close they are, the compliments they give, and if they keep eye or text contact.

    More especially, I really like your comment at the end about being confident. I just realized that this previous year. I essentially have to be sure that I’m okay with myself.

    1. Hi Andrew. Thanks for taking the time to read is she flirting with me or being friendly. That’s great that you’re experiencing that and seeing it for yourself! And exactly!!! We can’t expect other people to love us or treat us with kindness love and respect until we learn how to do that for ourselves. So glad you commented. Thank you!
      Wishing you the best,

  11. Hiya
    So there’s this co-worker(as it seems with all comments) and we actually had a huge talk today about this sorta stuff seeing as we were alone some of the question involved were,
    could u date a taller woman? or wats a physical quality ur attracted to? and ….how do you even know if someone is flirting with you? (Go figur).

    But we also talked about past relationships and bad break ups or good ones and this sorta turned me off that she was flirting with me or not but I’m still unsure . Cause of talk8ng about past relationships is a bad thing. Any help welcomed…. thanks for the read have a good one ….aussie fan

  12. I had situation that girl in workshop found reason starting talk to me. Then I met her and she begun to ask me all about my life and she told jokes. All time one month of communication she has a boyfriend. She didn’t add me on fb and call me on the phone because I gave her both. She wanted live communication even sometime after workplace but not classic dating going to caffe for example. Suddenly she ghosted me and rejected coffee time.
    Was she seriously? Had she bad moments in relationship with boyfriend? Had a wish just for attention? Did she using, playing me? Has a point that I ask for explanation why and what she wanted? 4 months we have cold communication, we say only bye, bye to each other. Thank you in advance, greetings! 🙂

  13. I had situation that girl in workshop found reason starting talk to me. Then I met her and she begun to ask me all about my life and she told jokes. All time one month of communication she has a boyfriend. She didn’t add me on fb and call me on the phone because I gave her both. She wanted live communication even sometime after workplace but not classic dating going to caffe for example. Suddenly she ghosted me and rejected coffee time.
    Was she seriously? Had she bad moments in relationship with boyfriend? Had a wish just for attention? Did she using, playing me? Has a point that I ask for explanation why and what she wanted? 4 months we have cold communication, we say only bye, bye to each other. Thank you in advance, greetings! 🙂

    1. Hi Johnny,

      Sorry to hear that, We have videos on youtube with reasons women ghost someone, here is one I would suggest you watch them, you’ll find so much valuable information at no cost.
      I hope you find the youtube videos helpful.

  14. I recently started watching your videos but I’m not sure whether she is in love with me or just being flirt or friendly. She usally talks about her future career & usally tells me that she is flirty but fews day back just i turned my phone off and didn’t talked her for 24 hours and when I turned my phone ON she sent me already 5-6 messages and I searched almost every where on google about signs of love and but she says that she is not one (indirectly). What should I do ???

  15. My friends berate me for not approaching / escalating with women who they say obviously like me. Tbh, I’ve never asked a woman out – even if I’m really attracted to her – because no sign or pattern of signs is sufficient for me to feel comfortable trying to escalate a conversation / friendship with a woman to the romantic level. And I will not “touch her arm” or any of that (which people advise is required to move forward) because unless a woman very consents to my touching her, doing so would be offensive and therefore I’d be opening myself to trouble. So many sites tell guys to focus on the present and not the outcome of interacting with women. I don’t see how this is possible when I have to be extremely cautious in order to avoid creeping a woman out by my presence and thus opening myself to trouble.

  16. For flirting to be acceptable, it must be mutual. OK, but at what point – exactly – is it safe to assume flirting is mutual? I’ve never asked any woman out – even if they’re really attractive to me – because no sign or pattern of signs is sufficient for me to feel comfortable trying to escalate a conversation / friendship with a woman to the romantic level. And I certainly am not about to “touch her arm” or any of that (which people advise is required to move forward) because unless a woman very clearly signals that it would be welcome, it would be invading her personal space.

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