When you’re really interested in a woman, sometimes it’s hard to figure out exactly how to express it without seeming obvious or desperate. We don’t want to seem too eager, but we also want her to know that we are romantically interested in her. So, what’s the difference? How do we pursue without chasing or OVER pursuing?

When we over pursue or chase, we’re trying to seek validation, approval, or acceptance. We want this woman to like us and getting her is the goal. We are consciously showing them and telling them that our value is within them and not us. The idea of rejection feels painful because our worth gets wrapped up in it. Chasing comes from a deep need to be loved, and sometimes that can mean taking our own kindness to the extreme and doing things to try to win her affection.

But when we pursue in a healthy way, we don’t have the same kind of need or desperation. You’re not really sure how the relationship will turn out, but you’re willing to find out. You want to be with this woman, but it’s also not the end of the world if you’re not. Pursuing comes from a place of already being validated and happy within yourself and that’s why at the end of the day, it’s better for your soul than chasing.

So, how do you pursue a woman and not chase her? It’s not about the number of texts you give her or where you take her on dates. It’s about knowing yourself on a deeper level, so let’s get into it.

How does a man pursue a woman? 5 ways to effectively pursue

Tip #1: Understand your intention.

It’s really easy to get caught up in the chase and not step back to understand why you were chasing her in the first place. That’s why it’s essential to understand your own intentions. Are you pursuing her because you would like to or because you absolutely need to? What is it about this woman that changes the way you feel? Do you need to have this woman in your life in order to feel happy, fulfilled, or gratified or do you want to have her in your life because you can encourage each other to have a more fulfilling life together? If you have the attitude that you need this woman, then you’re going to over pursue. If you have the attitude that you’ll be happy if it works but also okay if it doesn’t, then you can pursue with more focus and clarity. She’ll be able to sense intuitively your intentions because it will come off in your words and body language. It will bring the wrong energy. If you have a desperate need for somebody and you start putting them on a pedestal, then this is how you’re going to veer into over pursuing.

Tip #2: Analyze your happiness and where it’s coming from.

So, do you want to find happiness with this woman or do you want to be happy yourself? Here’s the difference: finding happiness with someone is like finding another layer of happiness that is new to you. For instance, I’m happy with my own individuality, but I’m also happy with me and my partner when we’re together. I have both an external and internal happiness. We all have stages of happiness in our lives. We grow in our happiness for ourselves, with our career, and with relationships we have.

I want you to do an activity now that I do often with my clients. Write down the different areas of your life – your community, family, love life, personal growth (physically and internally), family, career, and relationship with yourself. Now, rank them on a scale from one to ten determining how happy you are in those categories. Ten being the highest and one is not so happy at all.

The reason I break this down in this way is that so often we pursue a partner seeking happiness, but in every other category of your life, you’ve rated it a five or below. You’re hoping somehow that your love life will make everything else in your life a ten, but it doesn’t work like that. It’s important to analyze the happiness that you have in other areas of your life. In order to have a 10 in your love life, you have to have a high ranking for your relationship with yourself. Women are incredibly intuitive; we feel the energy and we can tell when a man is unsure of himself or insecure. It’s not about knowing how many times you text her. It’s about your honesty and authenticity – the authenticity you have with yourself and behind the pursuit.

Tip #3: Pursue her to enhance your life, not to give you a better life.

If you’re pursuing her because you’re unhappy in your life and want to have a better life with someone, then you’re giving someone else the hand to make decisions for your own sense of self. That’s when we go into the territory of over pursuing. If you want someone to enhance the happiness you already have in your life, be very clear about this within yourself. That’s why it’s so important to find happiness within yourself before you go and pursue a woman. What happens so often is we end up trying to seek happiness in another person and ultimately things go awry. We can only fulfill that for ourselves fully and we can’t expect another person to give us a good life, we can only expect that they can enhance the happiness we already have.

Tip #4: See her as an equal. Don’t idolize her.

Idolization and putting her up on a pedestal is something that is really common, not just in dating but also all around our world today. This is when you say things like “This is the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen. She’s so beautiful from head to toe. I love the way she dresses, she’s so tall, her smile is so gorgeous. This is the type of woman that will never be interested in me so I have to prove to her that I’m the best man ever.” Ultimately that line of thinking just ends up making you feel awful, and this is also where we get into the prove mentality. Doing this means that you’re automatically putting yourself below the person you’re pursuing and slowly diminishing your own self-worth by trying to prove to them that you’re worthy of their time. If you don’t see your self-worth in yourself and see her as your equal, then other people will not see it either, including her.

You don’t need to prove to anyone your worth and you most certainly don’t need anyone’s outside validation other than your own. When you see her as your equal, then you can behave more like your authentic self and can bring yourself to have a greater sense of interdependence together rather than a lopsided power dynamic. Try to build trust within yourself. Reward yourself for the good decisions you’ve made in your life by making note of them. When you come in with the attitude that you know you have a lot to bring, that she will either see it or not and if she doesn’t, then it’s okay because there are other women out there that will.

Tip #5: Are you emotionally inexperienced or emotionally experienced?

If you’ve never had a serious relationship, it’s very easy to get into the new relationship by idolizing and over-pursuing because you’re excited and really want to be with her. Some of us have serious relationships when we’re younger, but sometimes it doesn’t happen until we’re older. Or sometimes we’ve had long term relationships, but we’ve never really fully let the guard down and allowed ourselves to love fully, or we’ve never experienced that kind of love from a partner. We’re all on different spectrums when it comes to our emotional experience in relationships, and there is no judgment call on that. What matters is that you’re here reading this blog and want to learn more. Just know that if you happen to be more emotionally inexperienced that it’s easy to fall into the pitfalls I’ve been talking about in today’s blog, and learning from them can also come with time.

Tip #6: Understand your values. Don’t be passive with them.

When you’re passive with your values, then you will over pursue. But if you understand your values with intentions and have high standards, you will find just the right balance. An example of being passive with your values would be saying to yourself “Ok, so she disrespected me in a text and talks about other guys in front of me, she plays games, but I’m not going to say anything because I really like her and she’s pretty, and if I do then she’ll push me away.” That’s being passive because you’re diminishing your values and standards in order to continue to let yourself be strung along.

If someone is not showing you that they relate to your standards and values, then you have to articulate this, otherwise, you become passive and that allows a woman to think that it’s okay to walk all over you. It’s just like a child. If we tell them they can’t have chocolate past 8:00 pm and they continue to do it and we do nothing about it, then that child is going to think it’s okay. But if we tell the child that they can’t have chocolate anymore and that they’re in a time out, then after a while they will stop doing it because they know they’re going to make you mad. This is how you set a boundary. We need boundaries as humans. Don’t be passive with your values – articulate them and voice exactly what they are.

Pursuing a woman vs. OVER pursuing. The Do’s and Don’ts

DO: Be confident within yourself and trust in yourself.

DON’T: Make your happiness rely on whether or not she likes you back.

DO: Communicate your values and standards.

DON’T: Change who you are to please her.

DO: Continue to work on how happy you are in other aspects of your life.

DON’T: Idolize her and bend over backward for her.

DO: Set boundaries and standards for yourself.

When to stop pursuing a woman

So you’ve been pursuing her for a while, and you’re not sure if she really likes you back. She’s not giving you any signals; she’s not reciprocating your level of interest. Perhaps you’re getting the vibe that she might see you more as a friend than a romantic partner. You don’t want to spend months in the limbo of not knowing whether not she reciprocates your feelings.

If she is not carving out the time to be with you, giving you uncertain or negative body language, or showing indifference towards you, then chances are you can trust your intuition on this. If you’re questioning if you are enough for her or focusing on the sense of lack in the relationship, then you will know in your heart if she doesn’t have the same interest you do. The hard part is not letting that reflect on you. It will not feel the greatest, but if you have quiet confidence inside, you can let it not affect your self-esteem and be able to move on.

The first thing you should do is give her space and see what happens. If you’re always the first one to message her or to suggest outings, then don’t for a while. Keep yourself doing the things that you love – immersed in your hobbies, your career, your friends. If she still doesn’t come around or give you what you need in return, then be brave enough to let it go. There are tons of other women out there. Why would you waste all of your mental and physical effort on one person? Your time is precious.

Remember you are always loved.

Your coach,

Apollonia Ponti