is she the oneIt seems pretty simple that finding the right person to choose to spend the rest of your life with is the key to being happy in love – but is it that simple? How do you know for certain who that person is? Even if you’ve crossed all the important “milestones” — you live together, cook together, you’ve reached a level of comfort with one another where you can freely talk about things – how do you know if she’s really the one?

Making the decision to be married to someone is not an easy feat. Most of us go looking for the perfect partner without any interest in being more loving individuals ourselves. Choosing someone to spend the rest of our lives with requires work. To be able to really evaluate a partner, we have to be able to stand back and look critically at ourselves – our needs, desires, and longings. Very few of us evaluate a prospective partner with the same kind of objectivity or clarity we would use when we select a car, for instance. The person that ends up being someone that you can truly grow with and feel supported by is someone whose intimacy can serve as a catalyst for respect, care, trust, understanding, and true commitment.

How to know if she’s the one.

is she the oneWhat does that person usually look like? We all have this idea of “falling” madly in love and having a fairytale vision of two souls who meet and live happily after, but that is often just childhood fantasy. The foundation of having a true love is the assumption that we want to grow and expand and become more fully ourselves with this person. Often when we are passionate about someone, it appears they have everything we wanted to find in a partner. That appearance is usually blinding – we see what we want to see. But this is only a preliminary stage in the process towards true love. When these illusions pass, we can use this same energy towards a heightened self-discovery.

5 Signs she is the one

#1: She makes you feel like a better man.

is she the oneIf she increases your sense of self-awareness and helps you feel like you can truly achieve your goals, then she helps you to feel like a better version of yourself. She encourages you to achieve success — she doesn’t put you down or make you feel like your ideas or your work are of low quality. She doesn’t judge you harshly for not fitting into her mold or criticize you for things that you know are just a part of who you are; instead, she is there cheering for you and wanting you to be successful at everything you do. When we have a soul connection to someone, it’s a mutual recognition where both partners discover and realize their deepest potentials.

#2: She’s your best friend.

We allow ourselves to be vulnerable when we open our hearts fully to someone. The woman who ends up being your person will be someone that loves to banter with you and knows you for who you really are. She talks to you about other things in life that affect you, she jokes around with you, and she makes the effort to listen and support you. Aside from being romantically interested in her, she’s your real best friend.

#3: She’s an effective communicator with you.

Is she the oneThe real motor behind true love is the willingness to reflect on one’s actions and to process and communicate this reflection with your partner. When you feel like she can express her thoughts and feelings to you openly, and you can do the same without feeling afraid, then you know that she could be the right person for you in the long run. She doesn’t argue with you in front of people or has a complete lack of self-awareness of her emotions or the way she communicates. Likewise, she doesn’t make you feel afraid or anxious to express your own thoughts and feelings. You don’t feel like you are always in the dark trying to guess what she is feeling or thinking. You are both able to share your intents and desires with one another.

#4: She’s emotionally stable.

It’s fully possible to be in love with someone that is emotionally unstable and unable to come from a place a wholeness to the relationship. “Mrs. Right,” however, will be a woman that already loves herself emotionally and does not seek codependency in her relationship with you. She doesn’t latch on you to be saved like a damsel in distress or somehow makes you feel like she needs to be rescued by you. She’s not a project that you feel you have to fix. Instead, she has a life apart from you and has her own passions that allow her to have confidence and trust in herself. She is fully happy in her own skin.

#5: She’s confident and wants to love you.

is she the oneWanting to love involves making the active will to love, which is really at the essence of being a good partner. It involves an aspect of selflessness, wanting to extend outside of yourself. The right woman will be someone that has an unwavering inner confidence that allows you both to grow with one another. She’s not overly confident or functioning out of a place of narcissism or ego, but she truly values herself and knows who she is. She makes an active intention and will love you by showing care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility and this is what makes your love for her satisfying.

How to know if she is NOT the one

There’s a great quote by the psychologist Carl Jung that says, “where the will to power is paramount, love will be lacking.” What this means is that when we find the right person, there is no sense of wanting to control or dominate the other person. There isn’t a hierarchy of power that one person in the relationship asserts over the other. That is why we can’t claim we’re in a loving relationship if there are abuse and neglect involved. And this is why so many couples end up lying to each other as a means of gaining power or control in a relationship.

Is she the oneShe’s not “the one” if you know she is lying to you in a hurtful way. She’s also not the one if she makes you feel like a lesser version of yourself like you have to live up to her expectations (or her dominance). She’s not the one if she makes you feel emotionally abused or unsatisfied, or if she makes you feel like you need to change as a person in order to be loved. She is also most definitely not the one if she doesn’t make the effort to really get to know you or if she uses you constantly for her own benefit without reciprocating any generosity in return. She doesn’t ignore your interests and your world — instead, she is curious about them and wants to understand you more.

You should be able to enjoy doing nothing with her, being bored with her and laughing with her, imagining a future with her. You look forward to seeing her and the conversation feels effortless. At the end of the day, if you feel like you can’t truly be yourself around her, then that’s a red flag that she’s probably not the right person for you.

How to know if she’s the one to marry

Is she the oneThe person that you ultimately choose to marry should be someone that makes you feel more connected with yourself. When we intensely connect with someone else, we feel bold and courageous. We feel willing to let ourselves be changed for the better by someone else and willing to discover our true selves. We sacrifice our old selves in order to be changed by love and we allow ourselves to surrender to it.

Both you and she have to be committed to being loving if you want to choose to spend your lives together. Choosing to get married should not only be a question of whether or not she is the right person for you but also of whether or not your own heart is fully open to the work that love requires. The most ideal partner is someone that trusts and respects you, that can accept you on your best and worst days, and that propels you forward in your life. You should both value the same things and be able to openly communicate what you value. She should fit well into your family and friend sphere as well, and not separate you from the people you love. Your friends will be happy that you’ve found the right person. Ultimately, you want to trust your intuition and your heart.

As always, remember that you are loved.

Your coach,

Apollonia Ponti