The Difference Between Infatuation and Chemistry. Infatuation vs Love

A lot of times I hear people ask that question, “Am I infatuated with this person or is there chemistry here?” It can be a confusing thing to feel and figure out in the beginning. Most of the time when we’re first meeting someone, we are attracted based on looks, it takes a little bit of time to get pass the heart racing, sweaty palms feeling and really decipher how you actually feel about the person in front of you. So just when do you know if it’s more than just what meets the eye and how can you tell? In this article, I will go over the difference between the two and how you can tell if you’re really into this person and there’s something there, or you’re just craving their attention.

What is Infatuation?

I’m going to talk a little bit about infatuation and what that means and what actually happens chemistry wise in our brain when it comes to infatuation. One important detail that I want you to remember is when you are infatuated with something or someone, you are also training your mind to focus on that thing, which enhances it and which gives you the burst, basically gives your brain the burst and starts feeding your brain serotonin and dopamine. But it also causes everything else to fade. So that one thing or person becomes amplified, almost like tunnel vision.

Because of that, because we have these feel-good hormones, we get addicted to it, right? For instance, you get addicted to something that’s typically pleasurable and that makes you happier.
There are different types of addictions and infatuation can also become a love addiction. It’s really similar, and it is also very important for you to understand because this is something that happens so much in our day and age, but it’s not talked about.

The chasing of “love” can become an addiction as well, and that’s why I want you to understand what infatuation is and why it happens. Infatuation also happens because of the fact that you focus on one specific thing. You hyper-focus on if you have this woman, you could create this amazing life with her and this is everything that can happen. We get wrapped up in this thought pattern.

She’s hot and she’s a 10 and you’ve never had this before and so on and so forth. What happens when we do this is your mind is now focusing on what you’re telling it. You’re feeding that serotonin and dopamine, so it continues to want more. You are feeling a type of high and the more you think about it, you’re feeding that fantasy and you become infatuated without focusing on what the actual reality is. We become lost in fantasy and not reality.

The Difference Between Love and Infatuation. Why Love Should Be About Compatibility.

Now compatibility is completely different. What we call compatibility is when both of you are in a stage of life and a level in your mind where those levels are not being boosted all the time. Where it’s like you are getting the chance to know her and you’re pacing yourself. Think of it more like a pot of water, chemistry is a slow burn that allows the water to heat up giving you time to add the right ingredients and great the dish you really want. When you do this you’re more likely to see if the both of you will have compatibility that can potentially turn to love. Infatuation is throwing all of the ingredients in a bonfire and hoping it turns out okay.

So with compatibility, you’re understanding that both of your values may be aligned. You are at a place where you’re not getting addicted to any superficial needs or you’re not getting addicted to a story that a lot of us are making up in our heads.

Infatuation can play a big role in your relationships. If you’re trying to figure out if you’re infatuated with a woman or if you guys have chemistry is when you make her a priority and dimish your own needs. If this woman becomes the first priority for you in your life and you forget about everything else in your life, your goals, your job, your business, everything, then this shows you right there that you have an infatuation with this woman.

Infatuation happens easily when you are not happy with yourself. When you’re addicted to the desired outcome that you think will heal you as a person or make you happier. When you’re thinking that this thing or this person will fix your problems and take away the depression or loneliness or make you feel better about yourself.

The people that master life and are happy and in really good relationships that have strong chemistry but make sure they’re compatible with one another. The ones that come from abundance and know who they are as a person and know that they can be happy with or without the person. One of the biggest things that happen in relationships when your partner, and vice versa, knows that you’re happy with or without them, it shows that you are of substance.

It shows that you know that you’re enough. It gives yourself some inner integrity, so the other person can see you with integrity as well. Infatuation is something that’s so huge and a lot of us are not talking about it. I want to be able to talk about this more because love addiction is a real thing these days.

People are now getting addicted to love when they shouldn’t be addicted to love and they’re addicted to the wrong people. It’s my goal to give you those principles. I give you those tools to be able to fix this, to be able to work on yourself and your personal development, to get that woman that you really want.

Is it Love or Infatuation? Dating Reality vs. Dating Potential!

Love is a verb. It takes action, time and work. “Love at first sight” can be a bit misleading since that can make people think that you can just look at someone and already have that love. When we first see someone, it is lust. Love is something that develops over time when we see how this person interacts with the world and what kind of person they are. Do they play the victim or do they handle their own mess and stand up for themselves? Love is also something that happens after you find out all of the pet peeves you both have and make the decision that you’re going to accept that person, and not change them, and you care about this person in spite of and because of their faults. Not for what they may be in the future, but for who they are at this moment.

Infatuation has to do with a lot of fantasy and thinking about what this person is capable of and what could potentially happen. This is where the term “dating reality vs dating potential” can help you tremendously with differentiating between the two. If you find that you’re thinking about the future with her and thinking about what will happen IF she does certain expectations you have, you might just be dating potential and infatuated.

If your head says things like, “I see so much potential in her. One day she’s going to really find herself. When she gets that job she’s going to be happier.” Or even things like, “I just need to stand up for myself more and she’ll respect me. She doesn’t listen to me so I just need to cut her off while she’s talking more.” Then we’re dating the potential and the fantasy of her, and not the reality. The idea of affection and not being alone can also play heavily here.

Infatuation or Love. 3 Ways You Can Tell!

1. Love makes you feel calm. Infatuation makes you react and act crazy.

Make sure that you know the difference between healthy and familiar. Often times if we haven’t healed from our past or we grew up in a dysfunctional household, we perceive love as loud, chaotic and sometimes even painful. But that is not love. Love is actually quieter, it’s easier. It’s being able to talk to someone for hours and just enjoy their company.

2. Love allows you to feel trust and connection. Infatuation creates jealousy and insecurity.

With love comes communication. Love has the ability for both partners to feel safe to talk about the best way for their needs to be met and communicate if something is upsetting them. With infatuation, there is jealousy and trying to control the other person. When you feel like the other person is better than you, you feel not good enough to have them or be with them, and you get insecure if they talk to other people or think that they are going to leave you for someone else, then that is not love, that is infatuation.

3. Love is freeing and healing. Infatuation is controlling.

When insecurities and jealousy come up, this leads to trying to control or manipulate your partner. Trying to make them stay in the relationship, or trying to constantly have them validate you. This can be draining on your partner and eventually cause them to walk away. Love allows the person to be themselves and for both of you to feel like you can drop your guard, like you don’t have to defend yourself and like all of the experiences from your past allowed you to appreciate fully the person that’s in front of you.

Is it love or infatuation: Ask yourself these 3 questions

I challenge you to do this and sit back and say, “Am I infatuated, or do I really have chemistry with this woman?” There are two ways that you can figure out if you have chemistry with a woman or if you’re just in fantasy and in building her up in your mind.

Question #1 Is she initiating?

She’s not going to make you feel shameful. She’s not going to put you down. She’s going to respect you. You’re going to have the same moral principles and the same values in regards to chemistry. It’s just a feeling of flow. It’s just a feeling that everything is happening, and it requires not such extreme effort. It’s easy to be around her, she’s interested in you, and she shows it.

With infatuation, it requires extreme effort, because you’re constantly focusing on something that makes you feel better. You’re constantly looking at this person as better than you are.

Question #2 Am I in fantasy or reality?

How often are you thinking about this girl? Are you daydreaming and losing sight of your goals and having trouble eating or paying attention to what’s going on around you? That would be a sign that you are in fantasy and not in reality.

You can give yourself reality checks if this happens to you. Pause, breathe, count down 5-4-3-2-1 and tell yourself, “I’m going to focus on the things in front of me. I can think about her after work.” You can discipline your mind and bring yourself back to reality and put the focus back on your priorities. Because remember guys, when we start to put her on a pedestal and make her the priority, you’re showing her that you don’t respect yourself and you don’t have a full, wonderful life going on. You are important and it is your job to keep yourself as a priority, not someone else’s.

Question #3 What values align between the two of you?

Discover yourself and find what you stand for and then see if this woman holds the same values. Not what your mind wants to tell you but what her behaviors actually show. If you value respect, how does this woman treat the people around them, how does she treat you? If you value communication, what kinds of conversations are you having? That does not mean how often are you texting each other, because that can be unhealthy. It’s not about the quantity but the quality. Is she trying to get to know YOU more?

Ask these questions for yourself. Allow yourself to go slow and find out if this person should be in your life, if you’re even looking for the same things in life and if she’s even interested in a relationship. Just because someone is going on dates, doesn’t mean that they are ready to be in a relationship, this goes for both men and women. So I ask you, which one of those are you right now? Go through your questions and answer them honestly for yourself. That will give you your answer.

Let me know if you enjoyed this article. Please comment below and share this with someone who might need to know the difference between love and infatuation. And remember, you are always loved.

Your coach,
Apollonia Ponti

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  1. Great article! I think I am infatuated. I think about a woman a lot but it does not hinder me from what I need to do in my life. I also think about “WHAT IF…..”. I need to stop doing that. I have never met this woman in person yet so I know nothing of what she is like 24 hours of the day. I only know what I see on her social media and from chatting with her online. I would hope I could get to meet her in person one day and we could date and have a relationship some day but I don’t count on it. If it happens the. I am very glad it happens. If not, then there is nothing I can do about it. This article is GREAT by the way.

    1. Hi Josh,
      Thank you for reading this article! Yes, you have to slow this down cause we have not even met her in person. We start fantasizing about the idea instead of reality and your mind will only train it to do what you want it to do or think. You got this moving forward. Everything is a lesson to train yourself to be in more control and to have healthy habits. Wishing you the best!

  2. Great insight and detail I am going out with a woman that I really like she’s different from all the other woman I’ve dated . but it’s difficult to see her because she really makes no effort to look for me . and I’m always thinking about her so after reading your article I think it’s infatuation. But also deep down inside I really want to date her I’m so confused .

    1. Hi Broken King,
      Thank you for your email about infatuation vs. chemistry. If a woman makes no effort then we cannot make an effort to see her. It’s important that someone initiates from time to time. You deserve someone who will want something more with you and you have to position yourself to believe this. Go out there and have fun and date other people and see what comes about it.

  3. I have never allowed myself to become infatuated with any woman in my life – no matter how much I desire her. When I catch myself thinking about a particular woman a lot, I force myself to put her out of my mind because I know that neither she nor any woman will ever be sexually attracted to me no matter what I do. Women friends of mine tell me that if I’m attracted to a woman, I should tell her because the act of expression is in itself attractive, and she may well respond positively. My response is that women want to be approached by guys they already find attractive – not guys they don’t. If a guy like me approaches a woman (in any way, any place), he is automatically deemed a creep and there is no getting around this fact. It’s not pleasant going through life never once having experienced intimacy and knowing it will never happen. Women will always choose someone else.

    1. Hi Paul,
      It’s the way in how you approach women and the environment. But, I appreciate you stopping by and reading this blog. Wishing you the best.

      1. Hi Apollonia – I go out regularly to different places to meet people and feel relatively confident until I see a woman I’d like to talk to. Literally every time, I immediately know she won’t be interested in me because there are invariably other guys around who are more confident than me and so eclipse me every time. And so I never approach.

  4. I’m not one of those bad boys, but I know a couple of women who like them
    for some reason. Do you think it’s healthy for women to date a bad boy, or
    do you think it’s something else? Your advice is always refreshing.

    1. Hi Michele,
      Thank you for your comment about the difference between infatuation and chemistry!

  5. Hi Apollonia,
    Great article, thanks!
    I was wondering whether you think there are instances where both can take place?
    I recently briefly dated a girl (two dates total). On our first date it was clear we were both just getting to know one another, but on the second I was amazed by how much chemistry we had! I was so surprised to find that, when I texted her asking if she wanted to meet up again (I was sure she would say yes) she said she didn’t want to – she quite reasonably said that this was due to the pandemic – but when I said I thought this was a shame to not meet at all because of the chemistry, she said she didn’t see us being long term. As I say, I was coming from a good place, was confident, and was almost certain we shared the same values. Is it possible I got the two (chemistry/infatuation) mixed up? Or did I just completely misunderstand how the date was going (I thought we were getting on great!)

    1. Hi Peter,

      Thanks for your comment. I think it takes a bit longer to know if it’s Chemistry. I would look at this as a little bit of lust since you went out on one date with her I’m assuming. 🙂

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