We’re living in a strange moment right now and I hope that this blog can provide some helpful advice to you in a time that is seemingly isolating and unsettling. Please know that I am here for you and that we are all united through the love we give one another. The best way we can use our time is to better ourselves and to remain curious and reflective. To remain curious about the relationships that we have to one another and to how we can enrich those relationships.

That aside, I want to address another topic that can also seem a little isolating. That is: when you’re dating a woman you really like and you’re a few dates in, and then she starts to throw you left field. It may be obvious to you that she’s interested in you and you are clearly too. But then, she starts to test you and you have no idea why. And as soon as you know it, it’s all over and you have no idea why the relationship turned into nothing substantial.

What does it mean to “test” you? It means she tries to find out more about you by putting you in specific situations or by asking you pointed questions. Why on earth do women do that?

To be clear, this blog is not about why women test men in general. I have a YouTube video called “Why Women Play Mind Games” that I encourage you to watch if you’re confused as to why women test men and the ways in which we can seemingly play games. This blog is specifically geared towards men at the beginning of a relationship with someone. When you are dating, there’s an attraction, and you are both clearly interested in one another. But still, it begs the question — why do women test men?

Why do women test men?

The truth is, it’s hard to really get to know someone on a deep level and to know if they’re the right person for a long term, serious relationship and to see what their intentions really are. Men and women both test each other, just in slightly different ways. Even friends test each other in various ways to see how deep their friendship is. Friends may judge you by how you text them, how much you share with them, or how flaky you are. The same goes for romantic relationships.

I don’t think “testing” needs to be seen necessarily as a negative thing, and that can be the first step in all of this. If a woman throws you left field with a question or a scenario, just see it as what it is – an opportunity to show more of yourself to her. She wouldn’t test you unless she was interested in you. That’s the important thing to remember. It isn’t because she doesn’t like you or because she is judging you negatively. On the contrary, it’s because she likes you and is attracted to you. In a way, “testing” can be a form of protection – the more we see a person can jump through our hoops and show us who they really are, the more we feel connected to them – and that goes for both men and women.

Why women test men.

There are, of course, some common traps that men fall into and that’s why I’m here today to spell them out. So many men just want to please the women they’re interested in. They act like pushovers and are not aware that losing their sense of self and grounding is exactly the opposite of what a woman is looking for. Here’s the thing: a woman doesn’t test you so that you can adapt to her needs and wants. She will test you because she wants to find out more about you individually and about how you react to certain situations or questions. You should always act out of honesty and integrity. Respond or behave in a way that feels most intrinsic to who you are as a person.

That’s a good general rule of thumb, actually. Respond with integrity to who you are to any question or situation you may find yourself in with a woman that you’re really interested in. It’s really easy to be nervous, afraid, and to want to please her. The thing is: that’s boring. She wants the challenge. She wants the conflict; she wants the contrast. It’s sort of like the beauty of a baroque Caravaggio painting – the contrast of light and dark is what makes it dramatic and beautiful. Don’t be afraid to say how you really feel just because you want to please her. Stay true to who you are, even if that contradicts her.

There are so many reasons why a woman will test you in the beginning phases of dating before you call yourselves officially together, but the key thing to remember is that you can never regret something you said or did if you remain true to yourself.

How and why women test men: 4 reasons why!

Reason #1: To see if you have your own opinion.

Women will test you at the beginning of a relationship because they want to find out if you have your own opinion and are not just agreeing with everything they say. She wants a man that can stand up for himself. A lot of men go wrong here – many of them think that being agreeable and aligning themselves with her will make her more attracted to you. But, in fact, it is the exact opposite. Women don’t want to just have someone go on their ride and agree with everything they say – they want someone that has their own perspective and sense of self.

Obviously women are not trying to test you purposefully. Sometimes they do it subconsciously out of curiosity. They want to see how you will react, how you will pursue them, and how honest you can be with them. Men test women too like this – it’s actually very human to do this without even realizing it. Attraction is always guided by someone that has their own sense of individuality and their own clarity of opinion.

So, let’s say a topic comes up at dinner on your date and she asks for your opinion on something or your advice. Don’t just give her advice to pat her on the back and make things easy for her. State your honest opinion about what it is that she’s asking you. If it’s something you don’t agree with, then explain why. Women love men that can be open to having more in-depth conversations. When you agree with everything or say something boringly pleasing, it kills attraction. When a man states his opinion and is decisive about it, it shows a woman that he knows who he is. It also shows a woman that she has something still to work towards because you’re not just trying to impress and making the chase easy. You are who you are – and that in itself builds attraction.

Reason #2: To see if your words are aligned with your actions.

This is a big one. You have to remember that what you say has to be in line with how you conduct yourself. You can’t just follow a textbook and follow something that you’re not. You cannot just lie about who you are and how you really feel about things. Once you lie once, then you can easily lose track of your own lies, and once that happens your actions don’t align. Then you wonder why you used all these lies and pickup lines to get her when all of sudden she’s gone. It’s because she’s realized that you’re not honest and true to yourself.

If you say you want to see her, then stick by that. Set the date and make the plan. Don’t set the date and then flake on her last minute because you have something stressful to do, family to deal with, or your own personal issues. She will see right through that. You have to make sure that if you express to her that you want to see her and that you’re interested in her, that your actions align with that. Otherwise, she will write you off.

And women will not forget the words you say. When you’re dating a woman you’re interested in and she is interested back, she won’t forget if you’ve said “I want to go to this concert with you on March 9th” and then March 9th rolls around and you don’t follow up. That’s when you’re in for some trouble. She’ll put you in the category of someone that doesn’t really care about her. Remember that your words are aligned with your actions. Decide for yourself if you’re really interested in her. If you’re not, then just be clear about it. If you are, then follow through.

Reason #3: To build attraction.

Sometimes a woman will test you to build a sense of mystery and attraction. Attraction is so significant in the courting period. When attraction is killed in the beginning stages of dating, the likelihood of you being in a relationship with her is slim to none. The reason is this: women, just like men, want to feel as though they’ve worked for something. They want to feel like they have found the prize and that they have something special. The same should go for you. If you like this woman, then there’s a reason why.

I talk a lot in my blog and YouTube about how to build attraction, so I invite you to let your curiosity lead you there after you finish this post. They go more in-depth in how you can build that sense of mystery in the courting period.

Reason #4: To test your limits.

A lot of women test men to see how much they can get under their skin and to see what their temperament is like. They want to see if you will be reactive to them or respond to them in a sensible way. If you’re prone to reacting in situations, then know that about yourself and make an effort to change that behavior within yourself. Because it will come out in a relationship and it will be tested in the courting phase. Take a step back, be more compassionate, and try to be more trustworthy about her intentions. It isn’t an attack – it is just a way of her trying to find out more about your limits and your temperament.

Almost every woman tests a man’s patience. She might say witty comments like, “How many women have you brought to this restaurant?” The way you respond is the key. If you were to genuinely take offense, she’s going to think what she’s asking is true and she’s going to think you have very little patience. Instead, take a step back and laugh it off casually. Understand that she’s just testing you. Show that it doesn’t bother you in the least to be asked questions and that you’re an open book.

What women want when they test men.

The last thing I wanted to mention, and I was at first unsure of whether or not I should mention it, but I do feel it’s important to mention because you might encounter women of all ages and backgrounds with different levels of maturity. A lot of the time, women deliberately play hard to get because they think it will make a man want them even more. Sometimes she thinks if she tells him she’s not ready, that he’ll want to pursue her more. At the same time, she’s communicating with you constantly. She’s obviously interested in you. Her words, however, are not exactly aligning with her actions. At the end of the day, you also have to decide if that’s the kind of woman you want to be with. This is different than a woman who needs to wait to get to know you before she sleeps with you. The way to find out which is by taking your time to get to know this woman and seeing if your values match up.

All that women want when they test men is just to get to know them better and to feel wanted. They want to build that sense of the mystery of attraction without being boringly black and white. They want to be pursued, to feel special. They want to find out who you really are and what you have to offer.

Once you know that, then you don’t need to get annoyed or upset when it comes your way. You can already be happy to know that she’s interested in you enough to want to know more and to want to feel pursued by you.

I hope this has helped you all on your dating journeys. Stay healthy, safe, and remember you are loved.

Your coach,

Apollonia Ponti