Who pays on the first date? Should it be the man or the woman? This is one of the world’s biggest debates when it comes to dating these days. Why? Because dating has become such a part of everyday life. Swiping right or left and scheduling 3-5 dates a week is the thing to do now, right? Or, is it? In this article I’m going to give you different scenarios and some feedback for you to understand a little bit better who should pay on the first date, when the woman should pay, and when the both of you split the bill.
I’ve interviewed thousands of women on this topic and let’s just say the majority say that a man should pay on a first date! Ouch! Pretty harsh right? Well, listen to what I have to say and how to really get this to work in your favor!
I enjoy reading your comments below so please comment after you read this blog and share your feedback or questions.
Who should pay on the first date
Let’s first discuss why a man may pay on a first date and then we will get to the “Who should pay” scenarios. Generally speaking, a man pays for this first date because he is either that type of guy or he wants to impress a woman. These days a man pays for a date because this is how he was raised, he feels guilty, or he thinks that he isn’t a man if he doesn’t do so. Which by the way is something that I completely understand, but I am going to talk about why this happens and how to open up the conversation around this sensitive topic. I conducted two surveys not too long ago about who pays on the first date and asked 200 men and women. I gave them the choice, asking if men should pay or if the woman should pay. It was shocking!
Almost 80% said the man should pay. Then I conducted another survey to a new group of men and women and asked if a man should pay on a first date or does it depend on the situation?
Shocking! 90% said depends on the situation. I bring this up because nobody discusses what the situation actually is… So let’s talk about the situation here on this blog!
I am going to give you some insight on how most women think about a man paying on a first date. I’m here to give you the honest truth so don’t attack the messenger. Women typically want a man to pay on the first date because they say this expresses interest from him. If she likes him but there is no connection, women will ask to split the bill. Women think that if a guy is really interested, then he will pay on the first date.
Topic #1: Men should always pay on the first date:
I know a lot of you are going to roll your eyes, but the majority of women want a man to pay on a first date. This does not mean that you have to take her out to a 5-star dinner; but you should take her somewhere you feel comfortable with on the first date.
Guys, I’ve been working with you forever. When you find a woman you are interested in, the majority of you will not take her somewhere where you didn’t put any thought into. Now I know a lot of you will say women are all gold diggers, they use you for your money etc. But last time I checked, women are making money and more independent than ever these days.
Watch that video about “Fixed and Growth Mindset,” then watch “Why do I Keep Attracting the Wrong Women” if this is happening to you. Remember, I say this because I want you to be happy and this is what I do for a living so I know there are a lot of good women out there waiting for you!
I do believe there are exceptions to this topic #1, but we will dive into that further down in the blog.
Topic #2 She asked me out does she pay?
Women are asking out men these days. When a woman asks you out, she is going to be willing to pay most of the time. I believe something you can do to show interest and really impress her (especially if you like her) is kindly ask her if you can pay (if you can afford it) and if she still insists then you grab the drinks, tips, or dessert afterward.
Also, if you choose to let her pay, then I encourage you to pick up the rest for the night if the two of you do something after the date.
Topic #3 She always wants to split the bill with me.
Here is where you can contribute some humor and fun towards this. You can hand the credit card to the server as you go to the restroom. You can pick up the drinks at the bar, or you can also plan something for the both of you and, “Say this is my treat.”
Women love when a man can take control with a sense of wit and integrity. This is if you want to pay for the bill and don’t want her to do it. If this happens and you are not 100% ready to pay the bill, then accept the fact that she wants to split the bill with you and take things slow. When a woman asks to split a bill, sometimes it’s because she is being nice and sometimes it’s because she is not really vibing with you.
Topic #4 She never pays on the dates.
“Apollonia, I’m always paying… How do I get her to pay sometimes as well?” I get it! As I mentioned at the beginning, I totally understand why you may feel like this. You might not mind paying on dates, but you want to feel a sense of appreciation as well.
So here is what I always recommend when this happens. Tell the girl you are dating to plan something that she likes to do. You can say it like this: “I want to see something that interests you, I want to see a part of your world. So I challenge you to take me out on a date.” Using the word challenge is great for attraction and you can also see if she is willing to reciprocate!
Who pays on a date: The answer
So now, let me answer some common questions that I get asked all the time about this topic.
“Apollonia, what if I’m broke, should a woman offer to pay on a first date?” Well, to be 100% honest with you, you need to focus on a purpose and yourself. You don’t have to be rich, but you do have to have a little more money left over for you to not be living from paycheck to paycheck. If this is you, then it might not be time to be dating right now.
You need to focus more on you, your goals, your personal aspirations, career, and purpose. Think about it. The same goes for a woman. You may not want her to be broke and wind up having to pay her bills. If you are just strapped for cash here and there then the date does not have to be expensive. Get creative and do something that is easy on the wallet!
The next most common question I get is, “Apollonia, what do I get out of paying for a date?” The answer is NOTHING! It’s not about making sure you’re going to get something out of it like a kiss or more. There is no entitlement here just because YOU paid. Let things be natural.
“What are some great places for a first date I can take her that won’t break my wallet? I’ve made a video about this which I will link here. Remember, you can always take a woman somewhere simple, like a cafe, grabbing a drink, having dessert, or a walk in the park so the both of you can get to know each other.
What I’m talking about in this blog is who pays on a first date, so if you have a woman that you are dating and she never pays, then it’s really time to start communicating your expectations. This is critical to values and to the process of you setting the tone for a future relationship. I know I have more men followers than I do women, but if you ladies are reading this please understand, just because he offers does not mean you shouldn’t insist.
Men will start to appreciate when you offer or contribute. If you don’t ever offer, what happens in a man’s mind is that he will believe that you will never offer. It does not mean that you will have to pay or that they don’t want to pay. But what it does mean to a man is that you may not value his time and appreciate him, and that’s not a good feeling.
Who should pay on a date?
I do believe in going 50/50 as the dates go on, and if this does not happen then it’s time to communicate. Communication is healthy if you want to set the standards and have a strong relationship. Communication is key to getting to know someone and it can also be the most challenging part of a relationship. I would encourage you to say something like, “Next date, is your treat!” See how she acts. Then follow up with saying something like, “Surprise me.” Make it fun, lighthearted, but challenging.
Now, I want to be clear about something. There are different types of women who have different interests and I know women well. I am not saying all women are like the examples I am going to give you below, but in fact, a high percentage of them are. So it’s important to understand the type of women you have or the type that catches your interest.
I asked a couple different women and here is what they said.
Fashion Blogger- A conservative man will always pay and that’s what I want. I want a conservative man. That’s a big turn on!
Model- A man should always pay, if he doesn’t that means he isn’t ready. I’m not impressed.
Artist- I don’t care. I always ask to split it.
Tech/ Introvert- Typically the nerdy type. Says I will ask to pay but he shouldn’t think he is buying me or getting something out of it if he pays the bill.
Athlete: I appreciate the gesture and will feel it out depending if I like him and how he responds to the check.
The key here is to understand what you can afford. So many men think that they have to take a woman out on a five-star dinner on a date but that isn’t really realistic – especially if you are going out more than once a week. That is of course unless you don’t mind and you enjoy this.
What I believe is important is that you get to know the woman and if you do enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her, then plan something that both of you can enjoy. I also recommend for you to read my blog about First Date Conversations. Then download my free manual on how to get to know a woman’s true self.
Also, remember to go into your dates with positive energy, and have fun! This is magnified and will make the woman comfortable and in turn, you comfortable as well. This is a big part of the attraction process and traits that women look for and love in a man. If you choose to pay on a date then do it with dignity and class as I know most of you will.
There is something special about a man taking the initiative and going after what he wants.