How To Stop Being The Nice Guy With These 7 Tips!

Being the nice guy also is considered as a guy being stuck in the friend zone. You are here reading this article because you want results on how to stop being a nice guy. Well, you’ve come to the right place! I’ve spent over 8 years working with men on getting out of the friend zone and challenging yourself to be authentically you, so you don’t fall into being the nice guy. In this article, we are going to discuss the common things I see men doing and my clients doing whenever they date a woman that quickly makes you fall into the friend zone and the nice guy trap. Let me be clear on one thing. Being a nice guy is not harmful and is not a bad thing, but you have to have a little bit of backbone when you’re a nice guy. If you master this, I know you will have plenty of women at your fingertips! You know that saying “nice guys finish last” well, that’s not true. They can finish first so pay close attention to this article as I am going to walk you through how!

Please leave your comments below as I love hearing from you!

Why you should stop being a nice guy

The nice guy metaphor comes with it’s up and downs. Don’t you cringe when your crush or a girl you like says “You’re such a nice guy,” or “ Only if I liked nice guys!”. Well, these are common things that you might be hearing right now and not being able to move forward with women. Do you want lasting results on how to get a woman and be exactly who you are? Being a nice guy does not require you to change who you are but it does require you to understand the dynamics of women and how men should interact with them to make an impactful memory and stand out as a man that she sexually desires.
Women that want a healthy balanced relationship do not have nice guy syndrome complex, they want a nice guy.

They don’t want a serial manipulator, passive, and aggressive human. I mean is that any surprise? Most humans don’t. What women want is a nice guy that responds well to others that have a strong sense of identity, morals, values, and a strong sense of boundaries. ( boundaries is where the “nice guys” fall short a lot of times. Might be where you’re lacking.)

My 7 top tips to stop being the nice guy are: 

  • Say what you want
  • Say “no”
  • Have goals and put yourself first
  • Stop seeking approval
  • Face your fears & challenge your mindset
  • Don’t avoid confrontation
  • Slow down your conversations

Continue reading for an in-depth look at each tip!

How to stop being a nice guy: but which type are you?

Many men argue that all women say they want a nice guy but don’t. Or, women say they want a nice guy, but they don’t, they want a jerk. If you’ve said this, you are entirely wrong. Typically this is just a defense mechanism that you’ve responded like this because it hit a trigger point or it’s the band-aid answer you give from previous rejections.

Mad? Don’t be because I’m giving you the truth but here is the light behind what you’re saying too. People don’t like being lied to. Plus women are known to be a little more emotionally intelligent than men (not all) but statistically speaking they are so they had already formed their first thought about you before they even knew it. So let’s sum up the categories I’ve mentioned so you can figure out which one suits you best and then will get into the tools on how to change this.

Nice Guys= passive, tend to say what their crush wants to hear, and can be too available without knowing how to set boundaries and drawing a woman towards him with attraction. He may also at times overly communicate what he wants from a woman and become 100% available.

Jerks: Assertive, aggressive, and share some common traits with the nice guy but when it works in their best interest to manipulate the situation.

Strong- Minded Man= the man every woman wants. An assertive, strong-willed person who is unapologetically honest with his wants and desires and is ready and willing to take no and give no for an answer but does not implement these things with manipulative, or aggressive behavior.

So let me now explain to you why there is no difference in the attraction process. You the man that is reading this article let’s reverse rolls a little bit. Imagine a nice girl with description #1. Ya but she keeps trying to convince you to like her. There is absolutely no challenge, and she is always available and tells you she wants you. Now description #2 your slightly attracted to her but she has lied, has narcissistic tendencies and you feel magnetically sexually attracted to her because of the highs and lows she gives you since she is not balanced, but this is someone you have doubts about and don’t want to bring home to mom. Description #3 your slightly attracted to her but this woman has clear morals and boundaries and has a sexual appetite for you and has no problem initiating it and talking about it and even pleasing you but will turn you down the moment you disrespect her and she will not push you to do anything you’re comfortable with.

Which girl do you want? Hopefully its #3 and if not there might be an internal battle that you’re facing towards low self-esteem and many others. So look at that! All humans are the same when it comes to the attraction process so that “woman want jerks” answer. Is not equivalent to what you say anymore. 🙂

7 tips: How to not be a nice guy!

Tip #1 Say what you want: At the end of the day if you’re going to take this girl out on a date call it a date. If you’re going to take her out to dinner don’t just say “wanna grab a bit to eat” this isn’t making your presence known and you are not claiming what you want from her. Call it a date! If you’re going to cultivate a relationship with her say what you want. Don’t be shy to say precisely what it is that you want. Say what you want and what you need. Do not always fish her compliments and giving her feedback only on what she wants to hear. Men, this is not what women want. If you don’t like something or don’t want to do something, then state your opinion, desires, and needs.how to stop being the nice guy

Tip #2 Say “no”: Don’t be afraid to be brutally honest. If a woman is asking for your opinion on something and it’s an opposite answer of what want then speak up. Say “no” and don’t always give in. If you have a people pleaser mentality then its time to stop pleasing others and start pleasing yourself.

Tip #3 Have goals and put yourself first. Get used to saying “no” more then saying “yes’ especially if you are a people pleaser. If you don’t have goals or you do then now is your time to continue to focus on them. If you don’t have goals then now is your time to find them.

Tip #4 Stop seeking approval: most humans always look for validation because it feels pretty damn good especially when someone likes you. But when you get into the mentality of seeking approval and getting validation from another, it can become addictive. Then once its addictive you subconsciously ignore the fact that you seek approval from others and the woman can see this.
You hold back, or you think that she or other people won’t like you. A woman wants a man that has his own opinion because it shows confidence and that your stable with yourself.

Tip #5 Face your fears & challenge your mindset: Do the things that scare you and always challenge yourself. Example: What if you’re scared of skiing, but you want to learn. Then its time that you hire an instructor to teach you. Why? Not only because its good to challenge yourself since you can grow from it and learn so much from it but as a man you become more confident within when you challenge yourself with your fears, and then you conquer them. This is what makes you stop seeking validation and approval from others because you already have it within.

Tip # 6 Avoiding Confrontation: Avoiding telling others when you disagree with them can also be a form of manipulation because it will be brought up later. They try to keep things as kosher as possible on a surface level but avoid the deeper feeling behind it all. If you disagree with a woman, you have to let her know. Of course, keep respect in mine, but women are not attracted to a man who lets his values or personal needs down or set aside to only follow hers.

Tip # 7 Slow down your conversations: If you are someone who tends to talk a lot and possibly even talk about other men with her then stop. Understand what you have to bring to the table and leave some mystery of what you’re offering.

How to not be a nice guy anymore

Bottom line, you are either attracted to someone or your not. But if you find yourself having a tough time getting into a relationship, then I highly suggest you schedule a session with me. Limiting beliefs are a very common thing many men face and whether its an unconscious pattern of fear, driving you away, fear of vulnerability and some things possibly not sorted out in your life now is the time to make those changes. By understanding that you are a prize too and not just the woman is a way that you should shift your mindset when your dating. It’s essential that you hold yourself to a standard and know you can get exactly what you want. Knowing this comes from inner confidence but also respect for yourself and others. Keep up with these tips, and you won’t be disappointed.

The common thing I see with my students when they think they have the nice guy mentality. They don’t know where it does wrong and how to make those minor adjustments. If that’s you, then I encourage you to reach out to me!

I welcome your comments or concerns below. If you are going through this and need help with your attraction skills please feel free to book a session here with Apollonia! 

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55 Comments

  1. Thanks some of the things relate to me and I mostly get girls that use and take advantage of me and I am sick and tired of it

  2. Apollonia, I wouldn’t say to say “no” MORE times than you say “yes”. It will become frustrating is a friend USUALLY says “no”–too many times. But I would say that if a guy is in that unhelpful people-pleasing business, to consider saying “no” EQUALLY as many times as you go along with what the friend is suggesting. (Furthermore, a balanced relationship suggests that guy “A” goes on to equally make suggestions that require the female to answer HIM with “yes, I’ll go with you to your desired event/hobby”.)
    Nevertheless, I find it to be mostly well-thought out advice that you are giving, Apollonia.
    Now, what if I want to start working on my DREAM CAREER (The time is now !), and this wife of mine indicates she is determined to move into a HOUSE ? A house goal is not going to help my personal goal to one day make music for a living. She supports my goal, but her BURN for a house (or bigger apt) will surely DE-focus me from ever completing my dream of writing my music professionally. Now, that I think of it, why should I give up my childhood dream ?
    I think you’d say that even in a 12 year marriage with a Hispanic wife who wants a better habitat, I DO need to put myself first and say:
    “No, sweetheart, I need to focus another year and see how far I can go with my music career. (Besides, you never give me the loving you USED to, and I told you before I don’t want to move into a 30 year mortgage with an unstable love life.)

    (I just remembered something: She has put herSELF first for the past 8 years and REFUSED to give me the kind of loving she USED to freely give ME…..)

    1. I would advise you to look at other women, and have her know that if she is not changing her atitude you will move on. Women can lift a man up, but more often than not they are a man’s downfall.

      1. Hi James! Thank you for reading “How To Stop Being The Nice Guy With These 7 Tips!” In order to get advice pertaining to your situation, I would encourage you to book a coaching session with her so she can help. Here are the links with more information. https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching/

        Apollonia carefully crafted her products that address a multitude of subjects which you may find helpful as well: https://www.apolloniaponti.com/products/

        If finances are an issue, Apollonia provides free content and I know you can find information that will help. 🙂 https://www.apolloniaponti.com/blog/ and https://www.youtube.com/c/ApolloniaPonti
        Take care and best of luck!

  3. I’m glad you pointed out few areas I do make mistakes in trying to be a nice guy to people especially girls and I’m yielding myself to change in those areas.thanks for so much for unveiling this secrets.

  4. I get it. Challenge and mystery are essential along with being true to yourself. Changing your core values or near core values will cause havic down the road in a relationship. Great article!

    I’m not seeking a girlfriend right now. However, I want to hangout (date without the intent of getting serious) to get to know several girls on a deeper level – staying in a balanced friend zone. If I fall for one, then the game is afoot. I don’t want to lead a girl into a romantic relationship unless that is my intent. Do you have any articles that cover this subject?

    I’m divorced and in my 50s. I’m not a young buck looking to add notches to my belt.

    1. Hello Curt,
      Thanks for your comment. Yes, I will be creating an article on this topic soon. I believe this is a great place to be and have fun. As long as your honest and upfront you have nothing to lose. Have you tried online dating?
      Best,
      Apollonia

  5. Great article; I’m trying hard to get out of the friend zone right now and reading this is helping me to deal with it.

    1. Yes, I am tired of the results of being a “nice guy”. Setting and acting on boundaries is my work in progress. A lot of your material resonates with me. I will make book a session.

  6. Great article. I’m going through a tough time in my marriage right now n I realize I’ve become a yes man n 2 nice. My wife used 2 love doing things n spending time with me but now she’s asking 4 space cuz I’ve lost my individuality, confidence n mystery. I’m rediscovering my identity as a man n myself personally n learning 2 put me b4 her cuz I gotta be able 2 take care of myself 1st then be able 2 take care of her.

    Would like if u did a video or article for interracial relationships cuz it’s not something u find out there. E.g. I’m Asian descent n my wife is a beautiful black Caribbean woman.

    P.S. There are many types of interracial relationships n each 1 is different n has unique challenges. Not just black n white.

    1. Hi Gsczecks,
      Thank you for your comment! I am glad that you are taking the time to work on yourself. By learning to love “you”, you will maintain a healthy relationship. I will consider doing a video or an article on interracial relationships. My viewers/subscribers have been asking me to speak on this topic. You are correct, this is not just black and white, because our world is full of diversity.
      Best,
      Apollonia

      1. I have no trouble being a “nice guy” or a “jerk”. The only problem is women are so ungodly malleable one never knows what approach to use.

        1. Hey Jim!

          Nice to meet you! Thank you for reading my blog post How To Stop Being The Nice Guy with These 7 Tips!
          I can certainly give you insights on how to navigate your approach with women better.
          Just head to this link: https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching/ to book a one on one coaching session with me or one of my coaches.

          I look forward to getting to know you better and hearing your story!
          – Apollonia and Team

    2. You are into the wrong women sorry to say, black women are bitchy like hell,and strongminded. So you have to have the same mindset. No offence to you, but a man has to be firm otherwise women get in control and that’s a bad thing for both.

  7. “Tip #1 Say what you want” – OK – but there has to be an observable chance of actually getting what I want, right? If ‘no’ is always guaranteed, why say anything at all? If I go to a restaurant and request something from the menu, there’s a high chance I’ll get what I want. But if I ask a woman on a date because I find her attractive, there is zero chance I’ll get what i want because no woman has ever (or ever could) be attracted to me. I’m not a ‘nice guy’ per se, but I don’t see any point in setting myself up to fail every time. I’d love to have a woman be sexually attracted to me, but looking in the mirror, I know this won’t happen.

    1. Hi Will. Thank you for taking the time to read How to Stop Being the Nice Guy. Most women do not go for the “attractive” guy, at least not for long. Women are emotional, we go for the guy who makes us feel safe… and that means safe emotionally. I would look at learning how to fall in love with yourself. Your energy either attracts people or pushes them away, and you can absolutely change that! You can master your confidence and love yourself and watch the difference in how people respond to you.
      Best,
      Apollonia

      1. Hi Apollonia – thanks for answering. I certainly do make women feel safe emotionally, but none of them are ever sexually interested in me. I have many woman friends, so obviously my energy does attract them – just not sexually. I do everything I’m apparently supposed to do to attract women (eat right, exercise, dress well, have many hobbies, go out, etc.,) but nothing. Ever. Zero sexual interest is ever shown in me and as I said, I’m not about to express sexual interest in any woman – no matter how attractive I find her or how much she seems to enjoy my company – because it is guaranteed to go nowhere.

  8. Apollonia, I’m at the stage where she pushed me away. We went on several dates that went well. Here’s the kicker. Our families have known each other for 25yrs. And she was in a very bad marriage. Shes been single for the past 5yrs. The only thing shes told me since pushing me away is….I DONT TRUST MEN & I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT. BUT WHO KNOWS IN A MONTH OR TWO.

  9. Hey Apollonia
    What a great write-up it really helped me..
    But well am a student and have a crazy crush on this girl and already asked her out twice and didn’t get a good feed back from her and always I get a green light from her don’t know what I want at this stage just want to find a way to relax my mind and stop thinking about her I really do like her and want to go further with her but am not sure that’s what she wants I just don’t understand what to do…

  10. I’m going to disagree here. Why because in a way we are promoting mental and verbal abuse. Why I say this is because let say you get in a relationship with someone who is a jerk then years down the line the person attitude evolves? What do you think will happen to the individual that’s enduring this behavior? Then they will feel the need to apply that to their kids and sabotage their chances of fulfilling their hierarchy of needs and their way of true being. I don’t think its wrong being nice I just feel people can be firm than being a jerk. Nice does not always mean you are a pushover. Being nice means you don’t have to stoop to someone level and dump the crap that was done to you unto others because you been through it. Being genuinely nice is contagious and will teach people to compromise in a decent manner. Even picking up men or women you don’t have to be a jerk about it for them to want to sex you. Its all about having a connection because being a jerk is a double side coin you can come off abrasive and crazy. Being nice is a double side coin but you as a person of morality would respect the curve and move forward meaning he or she will know that you can back off and realize that you are not someone they want to be long term with but have someone one day that will appreciate them for it.

  11. Apollonia, your tips on how to stop always being the nice guy and how to get out of a woman’s “friend zone” are spot-on and very insightful. Thank you for shining a spotlight on this subject. You help us understand that having self-respect does not mean that one is a selfish person; quite the opposite, in fact. If I am true to myself and have a clear sense of what I like, what I don’t like, what my goals are and if I maintain a defined sense of values in what I consider essential in a relationship, I am better equipped to be a worthy partner in a relationship.

    Conversely, if I neglect my needs – be they physical or emotional – and if I am a constant yes-man groveling for affection, I’ll have nothing of substance to offer. That means THE WOMAN I AM WITH WILL PICK UP ON THAT IN A HEARTBEAT and I’ll be stuck in her friend zone (and yes, friends, I’ve been there myself). Learning from my past mistakes, I am beginning to understand this concept with more clarity, but believe me, there is always much more for me to learn – which is why it is good to occasionally take an objective look at myself and be reminded of how to avoid these potential pitfalls.

    Apollonia, I am so glad you stress the importance of not changing the essence of who we are. Respect, kindness and empathy are most essential qualities – provided they go hand in hand with a healthy and sense of identity and self-worth, thus enabling a man to be at his full potential in a relationship. As in so many facets of life, moderation and a healthy sense of balance can mean the difference between stagnation and romantic fulfillment – and your wonderful site helps bring each of us closer to attaining our goals!

    1. Hi Dave,
      Thank you so much for your comment. Loved reading it. You’re the best. No more friend zone! 🙂
      Best,
      Apollonia

  12. I stopped being a nice guy a long time ago. I’m a good guy. I read “No More Christian Nice Guy: When being Nice Instead of Good Hurts Men, Women and Children”. by Paul Coughlin. He points out that there’s a difference between a nice guy and a good guy. A “nice” guy believes that all passivity is “godliness”. A good guy knows when to be polite and respectable, especially toward church and secular authority, but he also knows when to kick butt and take names. Being a good guy has helped alot with my profession, and my personal life with women. Apollonia, you have a great blog here and I will also get your book.

    1. Yes!!!! Absolutely! So happy to read that and so glad you’re getting to experience the difference in your life! Way to go, Robert! Thanks for stopping by and commenting on How to stop being the nice guy 🙂
      Wishing you the absolute best,
      Apollonia

  13. Apollonia Ponti. I often despise the “good guy” “bad guy” notion because what I hear but more importantly observe from a few woman (and I’m not at all providing a broad stroke for all women). A high school class mate and a young lady friend of mine were recently discussing her friend -one that i noticed and asked if the friend is open to being approached. She responded by saying “Shes dated a nice guy for years so now she’s going thru her bad boy phase lol” and “Girls have to deal with the bad guys to appreciate the good guys”.

    That response along with a few observations from women I’ve asked myself is a Good Guy they REALLY CRAVE or a BAD GUY with good qualities that they really wont. I’m also aware and becoming aware women crave confidence and and a man that shows up-and often these men posses a load of confidence which women love. It does beg to ask if woman can sniff a man who shows up confidence cant they also sniff out a guy who is a narcissist etc.

    So in all I often doubt the label of “Good Guy” “Bad Guy” because of seeing plenty of high quality women who chose these confident bad guys and often stay with them have a life etc. So 1.) “Does a Nice Guy exist or 2.) Is that really at the crux of what women desire.

    1. Hi Terrance,

      Thank you for reading our blog and your comment.
      This video will absolutely help you understand the 2 different concepts of “The Nice Guy ” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsiXxYT0F6E. We would invite you to explore our youtube channel, we have a lot of amazing, valuable information at no cost.
      Best,
      Apollonia’s team

    1. Hi there,
      Thank you for you reading “How To Stop Being The Nice Guy With These 7 Tips!” and for your kind words. Messages like this fuel Apollonia. We are so happy to have you be a part of our community 🙂
      Best of luck and take care!
      Kindly,
      Katy – Apollonia’s Assistant

  14. Irony is rather interesting. recently talking with several different female friends that are happily married, etc. Have flat out said that women see me as too available and too nice because that is what I am. I honestly don’t know how else to be. I was raised with a very deep catholic passion of “treat others as you want to be treated”, “and love one another as I have loved you”. Honestly for me it isn’t about seeking approval and I believe that I am very humble and not boastful about my giving actions. I just don’t know how else to be. I definitely put others first before myself. maybe the simple answer is saying no and not being so available.. How do you do that without lying?

  15. I had a light bulb moment reading this post, Apollonia.
    Most of the coaches/mentors/gurus telling guys how to stop being nice guys, focus on how a nice guy who can’t get women, can stop being a nice guy, in order to get women.
    Which kinda suggests that they haven’t got the whole “not being a nice guy” thing down themselves.
    I recently got out of a really toxic relationship, a really toxic friendship circle, and a really toxic church (it kinda all went together), and I’d been drawing a lot of these conclusions myself.
    Especially, I’ve been realising: why on earth do I care about the opinions of jackasses? Why am I trying to please people whose values and integrity I question? We can get so used to wanting to see the best in other people that we end up lying to ourselves about what those people are really like. My ex taught me that. She’s a wonderful person in many ways, but someone who can let family members behave in extremely abusive ways towards her, and not only write it off as okay, but even make me out to be the bad guy for sticking up for her, made me realise that lying to oneself is extremely destructive. It also taught me that “helping” someone who doesn’t want help is itself a jerk move.
    It’s been a ridiculously hard time, but I do not regret having gone through it. I learned lessons I really needed to learn, and refused to learn earlier, in easier ways.

    1. Hi David,
      Ahh, this is actually growth. Even in everything, I’m seeing you can see that you are aware and making change. Good for you! I congratulate you. 🙂 great job and keep up the great work!
      Best,
      Apollonia

  16. Beautiful beautiful piece…. guess you’re talking to me right now…. I’ll give it a quick try, this is exactly the mistakes I’ve made in the past that I’ve been thinking of a way of getting out of it and replacing it with an entirely new character and approach…. thanks Appolonia, your advice helped quite a lot!!

    1. Hey Bright!

      Awe thank you for the kind words and for taking the time to read How to Stop Being The Nice Guy With These 7 Tips!
      I am so happy to hear that this helped you!

      If you are looking for more content, I have tons of products that I think you would like!
      Just head to this link:https://www.apolloniaponti.com/products/ and please let us know if you have any questions!

      Have a wonderful day Bright and remember you are always loved!
      – Apollonia and Team

  17. I am having a hard time with my confidence. So many things going wrong and am trying to understand myself now because I always try to put others first and I can’t find my old self that would not care for others before myself but I lost that mantality and trying to get it back… Can you help me??

    1. Hi Austin,
      I can absolutely help you with this! I have a product on my website called “Master Your Confidence” where you will get a detailed 1 hour audio on confidence and manual worksheets where we walk you through them. If you want private one on one coaching you can also book a session with me or any one of my fellow coaches using this link: https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching/
      Best of luck!
      -AP Team

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