Why Men Pull Away: 5 Reasons Why & How To Make It Stop!

“Can you tell me why men pull away?” This is one of the most common questions I hear in my coaching sessions. So why do they pull away? In this article, I am going to walk you through different scenarios that can shed light on why this may be happening to you and give you a different perspective to reflect on and make this stop once and for all. This is a common trend in today’s society, and if you have landed on this article, I know that you have probably been directly affected by it or are afraid of experiencing this with someone you’re interested in.

Why Do Guys Pull Away?

So, let’s start with why this has become such a common trend in our 21st century of dating. Now more than ever, men are finding it hard to commit to a woman. This is especially true when there are so many outside sources that hinder commitment and so many women who are not being authentic and true to who they are and what they want. It’s like this saying I heard a while back. “Once sex got easier to get, love got harder to find.” This may be true to an extent and we can discuss further why.

In this article, I am going to walk you through a step by step process on why these issues may happen. I ask for you to not only read but take the time to see if any of these situations sit with you. Once you notice a situation that has occurred for you previously or currently I want you to ask yourself where this is coming from? I work with many clients and this is the most common thing woman face these days. I invite you to share your comments below and I will personally answer questions you may have and try to give you my advice tailored to the question you’ve asked. I love hearing from you so please feel free to post a comment.

Men who pull away are often in situations in which they are playing the field and playing games with women’s emotions. This leads to instability right off the bat. This is where I like to take a moment to tell my coachees that even though they may be single and dating, not every man that they meet is going to have the same intentions. That’s why it’s important for you to love yourself fully, make sure you’re aligned with your goals and stay committed to your values.

Understanding that you do not need a man in order to be the best version of yourself is crucial. Same should go for men as well. We look at love as though it will save us when sometimes we just need to save ourselves. Loving yourself and doing exactly what makes you happy is key, which means that you need to know how to be happy alone. When you have this type of mentality, you will be able to spot red flags instantly and become more admirable. If a man wants to be with you, he will make it known throughout the relationship. He will make it known in healthy ways of properly courting you. He’s not going to send you the late night 11 pm or 1 am text for you to come over and “watch a movie.”

Sincere men put in the effort. So, stop settling because I can promise you they’re out there!

Why Men Pull Away: They recognize a challenge or something that they’re not used to…

In the dating world, I often see that one of the most common reasons men pull away is that they find the woman to be challenging, and she gives in because she likes him. She starts settling and making excuses for his lazy or inappropriate behavior. There are many times I see a woman dating a man, and he shows all the signs that he is not ready for a relationship with his behavior and his words. Instead of pushing yourself towards him in the hopes of changing his mind, I believe the right thing to do in this situation is to dig deep into your feelings. If you can control your feelings by maintaining a friendship, then go for it. (And I’m not talking about being “friends with benefits.”)

Being friends with benefits makes it easy for him to get what he wants and often results in men pulling away. Maintaining a real friendship without an attachment of the desired outcome can give him the opportunity to see you in a different light when he is ready. It’s important to keep your options open and not focus all of your energy on one person if you know what I mean. 😉

If you cannot control your feelings, then I would suggest for you not to maintain a relationship with this person. Furthermore, I always think it’s vital to any starting point in dating or a relationship to be clear about each other’s expectations. If you are looking for a relationship, then let the other person know early on! If not, then say so. There have been too many times that I’ve seen a woman dating a man for months on end, only to end up getting hurt because it became a purely physical “modern relationship” in which the man never truly committed. The two never set the expectations for a relationship, or the woman sat in silence out of fear of being pushed away, hoping he would come around.

Reasons Men Pull Away: 5 Things to Look Out For.

What I am going to share with you now is the most common reasons being men’s disappearing acts! As you read through this article, it’s essential that you understand that men are natural born hunters who enjoy the chase. If he is interested in having you as his girlfriend, he will show you this with his actions. Be careful to never settle for a man that isn’t showing you through actions but is saying everything with his words. If a man is giving you time and appreciation you should do the same as well.  This is where a lot of women run into trouble in their search for a good man. Pay attention to his actions more than his words.

Furthermore, I want to mention something else that is aligned to this. I have seen several woman date a man and then come back and say “He was so into me in the beginning, he courted me and showered me with gifts, said all the right things, and was so eager to make me his.” But then once this man gets what he wants he moves on, and his actions start to change slowly. I call this type of man “the snake.” Men like this tend to be very narcissistic but also tend to get what they want often. They have a thrill of the chase, and they see a significant reward for their ego when they have won their prize. I always tell women to be VERY careful of a man who is too forward in the beginning. Take your time, and challenge someone who may be extremely forward. So many women fall for a man like this because we are hopeless romantics and you are pretty amazing! So, when you a see a man showing you so much affection and attention it starts to get you to think, “wow he is so different!” Right? Then you play this emotional mind game in your head stating “I would be stupid if I let this go.” I am going to explain further as you read on.

Tip 1: Men Pull Away Because They Don’t Want to Be in A Relationship.

If a man is honest and tells you he does not want a relationship, then as a woman you should honor his truth in telling you this and take a moment to reflect and understand that you may need to pull away. Not to mention, if he also gives you the popular one-liner by saying, “I’m just seeing where things go,” proceed with caution. This is not a committed answer, so why would he want to commit to you? This is just an answer to lure you away from the truth in hopes to keep you around for what he is in search of pleasure and attention.

Though it can be difficult to ask a man what he is looking for, it also challenges you to get one step closer to your goal. The more comfortable you are with this the easier it will become. I know that some people may not always take my advice to challenge themselves and ask the man what he is looking for, so I want to give you some other clues on what to pay attention to if you don’t want to have this conversation with him. Side note, I am in no way I offering you a pass to wiggle out of the conversation! Remember, challenge yourself.

Why Do Men Pull Back Tip 2: Signs He Is a Player.

It’s important as women that we understand how and when to pay attention to red flags. In another article, I explain the difference between a high-valued woman and a low-valued woman. We all come across players. The difference is whether or not you continue to date them after you spot red flags.

So many women come to me and say “Apollonia, he was so into me in the beginning.” This could be a sign of a man getting the thrill from the chase and simply getting bored easily. This type of man I call “the snake”. This man will call you daily, text you hourly, and talk about how beautiful you are and how happy he is to have met you. He might even go that extra mile and mention that he’s looking for a relationship. But the difference with this relationship is that he is all in, right away, and it seems to good to be true. What I mean by “all in” is that it’s hot and heavy early on, and sometimes you feel like you can’t even catch a breath. You might get excited and think oh my, he is so amazing, but let’s examine his actions. In the end, it fizzles out as quickly as it began. As we are talking about why men pull away and what to do, let’s analyze these common things:

1. What does he talk about with you? Depth conversations, or surface level conversations.
2. Does he set or plan dates and then follow through on a consistent basis?
3. Does he remember the things you tell him?
4. Is he hot and cold and does his phone go off often late at night?
5. Does he ask you to his house often for sleepovers or does he properly court you?
6. Does he stick to his word, or does he say “let’s hang out Friday” and then contacts you on Sunday?
7. Does he have a lot of photos with different women on social media?
8. Or is he that man that tells you everything you want to hear and lays it on heavily in the beginning? He paints a picture perfect idea that you get attached to, and when it doesn’t happen you find yourself saying, “But he was into me when he first met me…What happened?”

Tip 3: When Guys Pull Away They Might Not Be That Into You.

Even though this one may be hard to swallow because we value ourselves so highly as women and no one likes a blow to the ego or rejection, it’s important to talk about. Often times a man will show you signals of commitment but not want to commit to getting to know you. There are two principal reasons for this. Either they just don’t have interest in you and don’t want to hurt your feelings, or you fell in love too easily and they lost interest in the chase of getting their “prize”. I will go deeper into the meaning of the chase and the “prize” as we move along this article.

Here are a couple of common scenarios I see when a man pulls away and loses interest:

1. They do not share the same vision of the future.
2. They see that their values are not aligned.
3. They notice that a woman does not adhere to their goals or their requirements in the relationship.
4. They lose attraction because you become too clingy.
5. He just isn’t attracted to you anymore. It might not feel natural to him.

Tip 4: Why Do Guys Pull Away? You Fall in Love Too Easily.

Typically, men love to see their woman as a prize that they need to work for. They see the woman that they choose to be with as an accomplishment and as someone that took work to earn. It might sound a little silly but it’s true. Men love to know a woman has a mind of her own, is confident, and isn’t easy to get. So, men pull away when women get too clingy. Do not start canceling all your plans to be available to him every day all day.

Keep him on his toes a little to make him wonder where you stand sometimes. Asking him what he is doing every minute of every day and planning things to do without giving him the opportunity to say yes or no can be signs you are becoming clingy and falling too easily for him. As we all know, it should be a mutual chase between the man or the woman. If the balance is off, it becomes too easy for him to take you for granted.

Tip 5: Why Does He Pull Away? Personal Troubles.

Now, a lot of men will not be in a relationship if they don’t feel secure within themselves. This is especially true if the woman is someone beautiful and independent. For example, a man may pull away if he is not financially secure at the moment. This is something that may help him feel superior, confident, and not wonder if he is good enough for you. Also, he may have certain health issues that he is not comfortable telling you about until he figures things out on his own. Another reason could be instability and or unhappiness related to his job. This can be an additional source of stress and men tend to feel as though they need to feel confident or protected with their primary sources of freedom: Money, Health, and Work.

What to Do When Men Pull Away?

In short, when you see that your crush or boyfriend is pulling away, you pull away too. Do not contact him. Concentrate on your own growth, reflect on what you’ve learned from the dynamics of the relationship and move forward with your personal goals.How To Have A Healthy Relationship Be clear about your expectations and your needs. If they aren’t met, then move on and see if he’ll ever come around… Because if he doesn’t, I am sure someone else will!

As we part ways, I leave you with this.

If you only take one thing from this article, I hope that it is fully understanding that you must wholly and profoundly love yourself in order to freely give love to another. This is the healthiest form of love you can receive in life. I challenge you to dig deeper, heal, and work through any past experience that has tested you today!

As always, I am always here to help. Comment below if you have specific questions and need advice. I will personally reply to you or reach out to me directly for a one on one coaching session. I’ve also attached some videos from another expert (man opinion) that will help you during this time as well. xoxo

All my best,

Your coach for knowing why men pull away,

Alex Cormont (guest blogger)

 

70 Comments

  1. Clarence

    He called me and told me he has to go so that he stops hurting me but I’m still so in love and he makes me so happy.. I’ve tried to understand why he decided this but all I get is “I’m unstable and I think I need to be alone” and this is so hard to do.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Clarence,
      Yes, right now you need to be strong and take space away from this person. Remember it does not take someone to make you happy. That’s a big responsibility for someone else. You have to be happy with yourself before you experience a healthy relationship. Hope this helps and wishing you the best.
      Apollonia


  2. Pammie

    Hi Apollonia, just the article I needed! However, I’m still confused on how I should move forward with a guy. Long story short, a guy I’ve known for years, we dated casually then, never committed. We were young and it was fun. 8 years later, he reaches out. I’m older now, and I realize I don’t want a repeat of the past with him. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that until after sleeping with him. So I finally told him that I care about him, but what we had then, is not what I want now. His response, he didn’t know what I wanted, I need to tell him. First, I told him to call more often, and he does. I also told him to make more effort in initiating to see me, and making plans. So since that conversation, I haven’t heard from him in two weeks. Should I still give him the opportunity to make the next move, or should I just cut it off? Thank you again for all the advice!

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Pammie,
      If you’ve already been open about your feelings and taking initative let him reach out. Next time he reaches out do not make it easy. Tell him you may have plans and that you don’t think he is looking for the same thing. This will get him to work for it if he really wants to be with you. It’s important to invest your time into someone willing to put in the time. Hope this helps and thanks for reading my blog about why men pull away.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  3. Lauren

    This was such a good article. I recently got back in the dating world and met a guy about a month ago who right off the bat told our mutual friends multiple times, and his friends I was the one for him and we were going to get married. He’s four hours away, but told me we could make it work. He invited me to his family’s wedding late June, and even last week referred to me as his soon to be girlfriend. Every day he mentions how I’m perfect and we are going to get married because he just sees me in his life. Yet this past Friday it’s like a switch has flipped and he doesn’t act as into me as he did before yet continues to talk to me daily, even when I don’t reply back. Let alone doesn’t talk about “marrying” me or anything along the lines as before. So very frustrating! Especially because I actually started to like this guy.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Lauren,
      Thank you for reading my blog, Why Men Pull Away. The important person he has not said anything about marriage is you! Enjoy the time you spend with him. See where the relationship will go, because he is still talking with you. Don’t get frustrated, see if he can bring some gratification to your life.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  4. Marie

    Hello,
    I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years. We lived in together and things were going good. I admit that I’ve had trust issues because of being cheated on a couple of times by different people. Recently he has pulled away so much and says it’s due to my insecurities and me not trusting him. We have gone through issues where I have checked his phone and have gotten upset at him being friends with other girls. Now every time I tell him how I feel about him pulling away and how although we live together it feels like we don’t communicate. He says it’s my fault that he is the way he is with me now. He doesn’t text me through out the day he doesn’t really seem to care much and at this point i don’t know if I should just walk away. I’ve asked him if he wants to break up and he says no all the time but his actions say otherwise. Not sure what I should do..

    Reply


    • Autumn

      My best advise to you is to give him lots of space. Do not text him during the day. Wait for him to text you. It may not happen right away. He will appreciate the space, be he also will wonder why you suddenly backed off. When he texts you keep it short and sweet. If he is cheating you will find out without looking at his phone. Give him that level of privacy. It will only drive you crazy looking at his phone. One of my best friends always looks at the guys phone. It’s the worst thing to do. it will drive you crazy and make him pull away.


  5. Angela

    So I’ve been knowing this man for about 7 years for the first 4 1/2 years he was already in a relationship and we had an affair the whole time but then he got divorced and we stopped talking for 2 years then out of kno where he messages me talked to me every day like usual he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship but was cool with hanging out and seeing where things could go later down the road but rite now he still had things he needed to sort thru he also said he wasn’t talking to nobody else only me we meet up at his house and of course we have sex just like in the past then I leave the next day and try to text him and he doesn’t text back he’s only texted me a few times in a week so my question is should I keep it moving or give him the time and space he requested in the beginning and see where things go or do you think he’s just plying me for sex

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Angela,
      Thank you for reading my blog, Why Men pull away. This is someone you have known for a while so it feels comfortable. He appears to still be dealing with issues related to his divorce. If there are small children in his life, he also has to consider how any decision he makes will also impact them. Give him some time and see how the relationship progresses. In the meantime, continue working on your self development.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  6. Raymond Baxter

    I think women (and some of us men) get too caught up on the “why” and not actually assessing what is happening right in front of their faces. I’ve been reading through the comments section and a lot of ladies have been getting trapped in analysing the situation too much — when in reality the man they are pursuing (or in some cases the man that is pursuing them) isn’t acting appropriately.

    Why put yourself through that? He’s acting funny — pull back until he sorts his life out and starts treating you better.

    It’s the same for us guys though – some of us have similar problems with overthinking.

    I enjoyed this article. Helpful! Thank you Apollonia

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Raymond,
      Thank you for reading this blog. So glad to hear this was helpful to you. Yes, sometimes folks do get caught up in the why and fail to see whats actually in front of them. I appreciate you support.
      Best,
      Apollonia


    • Cameron

      I read this article and found it to be entirely false. I am a guy and went out on a date with a girl and it was uncomfortable to say the least. As the date when on she kept reminding me in various ways that the only reason she was talking to me was because her friend told her…, etc. I felt like she didnt want to know me at all. After awhile I just felt like I was being toyed with and strung along so she could figure out what she wanted. After awhile I just asked her “why am I here.” She said, “I want to get to know you.” I disagreed with her and felt like she was just trying to see what made me tick (she sucked at it btw but the fact she was trying at all was just unpleasant–Im not a toy). After awhile she said she didn’t know what she wanted. I just sat there awkwardly wondering why the heck am I here? She ask to see me again in a week and that it was okay if I didn’t want too. I just looked at her afraid to say anything at all. We walked to the cars and she asked for a hung I tried to give her one but for some reason I just froze up–I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even raise my arms. I was just freaked out. She wanted reassurance that we would keep talking? I said “good night” and sat in my car waited for her to leave. I dont think I was ever more freaked out in my life. I swear to god I was sitting next to a sociopath. I haven’t been back to the place we met in a month nor have I spoke to her and I dont want too either. I pulled away “not for any above reasons (for the record I don’t know what men you have spoken too but this article couldn’t be further from the truth) but because I felt like was being manipulated and toyed with. It hurt beyond words…


  7. Maude

    I don’t understand…
    What if we’ve both shared a moment, both said we wanted to meet, but then when you actually invite him for a coffee weeks after, he says he’ll get back to me, but ghosts?
    He did that, I waited for 5 MONTHS, playing “hard to get”: nothing. Then I come across him somewhere and I literaly switched lanes in the grocery store as to not have to speak with him because I feel rejected and ashamed… I think maybe I was immature, so I text him saying I’m sorry for not saying hello and being a savage. He replies that we should meet! I invite him to a show. He GHOSTS AGAIN! Just tell me he’s not interested or that I’m too straightforward, I need it. There are no reasons why nothing works…

    Reply


    • Charity

      All that Maude is going through and I care for a response on what to do


  8. Giovanna Castaneda

    Me and my male friend always talk, but we’re more like friends with benefits. We’ve always been comfortable with each other, but he’s been asking me lately what I feel for him. He also sometimes “tests” me to see what I’ll say when he asks,”how would it be if we were a couple? ” I have to admit though sometimes my feelings blow my cover of actually feeling something for him, and that’s when he asks me what I feel for him. The only think I say or do is stay quiet or just say I don’t know. I want to know if I should keep it as friends with benefits or try to have “the talk” with him? I really need help!

    Reply


  9. Danielle

    Dear Apollonia,

    About a little over three months ago I surprisingly reconnected with my very first school “boyfriend”. We soon realized we had a ridiculous amount t of core likes in common and decided to hang out. About a month ago we talked and decided that we were mutually exclusive. Everything was wonderful, good morning texts, some during the day on occasion just letting me know he missed me, and then always a goodnight text. He would always call me babe, darlin’, or love. He expressed how much he felt like the luckiest man on earth and that he knows he doesnt deserve me but will always try to be worthy of me. Then all the sudden there were little to no texts or calls and no terms of endearment. After a few days of minimal messages from me to him, he finally says that hes been having the worst week ever and things didnt look like they were getting any better anytime soon. So I sent him an encouraging text back and left it at that. So then no texts turned into very short and to the point messages. After almost a week of this that Thursday he calls me and everything sounds so normal he even calls me darlin’, so of course I’m thinking ok hes finally getting out of the cave he went into. The next day the minimal texts with no terms of endearment continue and I decided I was done with the game and did not reach out to him. Suddenly I’m woken up Saturday morning to him all bright and cheery and talking all normal again, but still a bit awkward and once again we are back to the straight to the point, minimal, no terms of endearment responses. I’m so confused, I’m just finding hard to believe that he could one day be the most amazing boyfriend ever to whiplash Express. I know you recommend pulling away as well but shouldn’t I communicate first what I am feeling and let him know that, that is not the way I am to be treated? I mean dont we teach others how to treat us? I guess it just boils down to im afraid to lose him if there was just misunderstanding or if we are just still in a new relationship and need to grow. Your advice is so greatly needed!

    Reply


  10. Vanessa

    If a man calls you bossy (jokingly) but says it a few times, mentions you talk a lot, is this indicative of controlling or player type behaviour? I am assertive, not bossy. I do not tell him what to do. I merely state what I will and won’t do.

    Reply


  11. Monica

    Hi Apollonia

    I have a situation just recently. I met this guy on an online dating app about a month ago. After 2 weeks, we met for a coffee and had this instant connection. He was fun and just kept the conversation going. While on the conversation he asked me what I’m after on the dating app and told him that I wanted to meet new people/friends and maybe in a potential relationship. We had fun at the first meeting and he messages me right away that we wanted to catch-up again. So we met again and this time he asked me again as to what I’m after on this meet-ups so I told him that I’m for dating and just taking it slow. He told me the same so I guess we were on the same page. Were walking and he held my hand. After 2 days we met for coffee again and walking on the beach, it was romantic and super fun. Everything went alright. After 3 days he asked me if I could come over to his place so I went and we kissed and he invited me again to come over the next so I did and we kissed again. We almost had sex but I said no as I think it was a bit early. He messaged me that he understands my decision for taking it slow. The next day I told him if he’s available on the weekend to go to a park which he agreed and he made plans like transportation and food. Then the day came as we are all ready, he suddenly messaged me that he’s sick and can’t drive so he cancelled it the last minute. I was shocked and a bit annoyed but I was worried that his sick so I told him that I will come over instead and when I came to his place he seemed alright and not sick so I just played along. BUT something happened, we had sex and after that day he felt that he seemed distant. His messaging was less and less as the day goes by. I asked him if we can get coffee and he said he’s caught up with work. He reply to my messages after couple of hours and it’s making me sad. Suddenly, he messaged me if I could come over and I told him that I can. The night before I asked him if we are still on for meet up which he replied yes. In the morning while I was preparing he messaged me that he think he is not ready for an intimate relationship and if could spen my time with someone else. I replied to him saying, no pressure I can see you as my friend today and not an intimate level. He said he will cancel the plan as he is not free today. I kept on insisting as I was getting frustrated I told him I can’t cancel it as im on my way and can’t go back! It took him ages to reply and said he’s not free and he can’t pick me up. Out of frustration I told him that I felt really humiliated right now as I was pushing myself to him and he’s pulling back. I sent one last message to him saying that he could’ve have told me last night that he’s not gonna meet me but he confirmed. I told him I respect your time today! and hope everything goes well.

    We haven’t exhanged messages for 2 days now. I was really hurt with what happen and now I think I understand a little bit of the situation after reading your article. Hope you could give me some advice on my situation.

    Reply


  12. Yvonne

    I have ran into my first love in December 2018. When feelings I I didn’t know I had hit me like a tornado, as for him also. We both live in different states. But we both take flights to see each other. When were together we laugh, joke and just talk. He goes out his way to make sure I’m enjoying myself, but I let know that he doesn’t have to do that. Him just give me his time is good enough. Well last month my phone wouldn’t let me receive calls, this was right after I left him from spending my wonderful birthday weekend with him. He said he was calling but I didn’t know that he was, so I can tell he was push back. Because he wouldn’t text me to tell me he tried to call so I could call him back. He stop texting and answering my calls. So when we finally talk he tells me he feels like I’ve changed after I left him be I don’t answering his phone calls. I let know my phone is tripping. He tells me when I get a phone then call him. My response was ok then. Since then we have talked but not like we normally do. Last we I asked him what are we to each other, his response was why do we have to put a label on it. After that I start to distinct myself I wouldn’t call or text. Now he’s calling me more. I know we just reunited 5 months ago. We both are In love with each other. I’m just taking back by why do we have to have a label on what we are to each other.

    Reply


    • Jackson

      Just a little sexist when it comes to this piece. Referencing men as “snakes” and laying blame on them for not acting appropriately…. Oh, please. The game has been the same for hundreds of years. If you don’t like it, don’t hate the players, hate the game but either way; if women don’t want to deal with these 5 problems, maybe they shouldn’t be having sex. Maybe they should show better judgement. Maybe they should better understand the consequences that come with one night stands and short term relationships. Finally, men should not change simply because people like the author of this piece insist we’re snakes or because the author isn’t mature enough to handle the game or rejection.

      All educated men know one thing as gospel truth; we don’t need women. We don’t need emotional headaches. I’ve just spent six years with a crazed feminist; which is more damaging to a persons mind and culture than being ghosted after sex…. Grow up, sister. You obviously are no more than a bitter woman that hasn’t fared that well with the opposite sex. That’s not the fault of the man. It’s yours. If you suck at sexual intercourse, drone on about your feminism and the evil of the patriarchy all the time; all you’re really good for is a roll in the hay because no self respecting man would want to spend his spare time with a vindictive, whining, perpetual victim. That’s the problem…. You can’t stop being a victim and this article is just a way to blame someone else for your own personal and emotional shortcomings….


  13. Akshara

    Hi, I wish I could have read your article months ago. It was when I came to a new country, I met this guy from my university who was always there for me in all needs. Eventually, we became so good friends that I would share everything with him, we were very comfortable with each other. He used to flirt with me at times but I thought its normal with guys, they tend to flirt. Later on, I actually fell for him maybe because I had got that comfort with him being his close friend. I knew that he had many friends (girls) in his life but for me, he was the only guy friend I had for whom I had started to get feelings for. The feeling grew on me and I gave some sort of signals to him. The day I confessed, we kissed. it continued for a couple of times more and I was afraid to actually ask him about the situation- I thought he too fell for me. Weeks passed by, I came to know that he was not ready for commitment and needed time to think over this relation. But the making out and physical relationship still existed between us. I had fallen for him so much that I was not thinking straight and at the back of my mind somewhere I knew that it was not right, he continued to give me signs that there was no future for this relationship until one day I backed out and wanted to keep a distance from him. I stopped talking to him completely because I knew by this time he had become my weakness and I would have never remained ‘just friends’ with him. A month passed away, one day he texted me and called to him. I was clueless as what was going on and really freaked out. He forcefully called me to meet him and said wanted to talk to me. He said that things might work out in the future and that he wanted me back talking to him. Things are now back on track but I still sense the same thing what had happened before on a 2x level. I really need to get out of this. What should I do?? crying for help!!!!

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Akshara,
      Thank you for reading my blog on, “Why Men Pull away”. I am glad you found it helpful. I recommend that you be honest about your feelings. You want a committed relationship with him and he may not ready, than you have to set boundaries of what you are willing to
      accept in the relationship. Your intuition is telling you what you need to hear and do. I recommend you listen to it and stick to what is going to make you happy. Don’t be afraid to put your feelings first, because you are important. Take this time to do some self development so you can find that happy and healthy relationship you so deserve. I have included some blogs I wrote to guide you with your personal growth:
      https://www.apolloniaponti.com/how-to-love-yourself-again/
      https://www.apolloniaponti.com/how-to-manifest-love/
      Best,
      Apollonia


  14. Lynnette

    I’ve had on and off with a man for years. We will go months without talking. He is a serious loner and does not do social media at all. We have been back on for the last 6 weeks. This past week he has not even responded to my texts. Nothing. Then I asked if I had said or done something to upset him and he said no that I didn’t. That’s the only message he answered. We had plans this evening and I’ve heard nothing from him. I’m at a loss here.

    Reply


    • Jackson

      This letter interests me because this lady knew the man was a loner yet, she cites his lack of social media presence almost as a fault. I detest social media. A smart man has no social media presence. A stupid one does. Here’s what I don’t get—You texted him a question. How mature is that? Too lazy to call? He obviously wants nothing to do with you yet you continue to lament over his lack of communication. It happens to men too… Women, in my opinion, need to be more stoic and realistic. You engaged one another. he no longer wants to be engaged. He doesn’t owe you an explanation. That’s life. Learn to deal. If you’re emotionally damaged by the experience; that’s on you, not on him.

      He’s not on social media–you obviously are. Go talk to a facebook friend. Hell, I left a woman at a restaurant because she wouldn’t stop checking her social media accounts at the table. Does that make me a mean guy, or was she just an inconsiderate “snake” herself?

      Equality kids… reptiles are on both sides of this argument.


  15. Maia

    This girl told me my crush is a f boy i asked him on snapchat and he unfreinded me then the next day i asked him why he unfreinded me and he said he DOESN’T want to talk about it. I asked him if he hates me and he no i dont want to talk. And then blocked . He keeps adding me snd unnadding me in snap .After a few weeks i made a fake account and asked him if he knew maia aka me and he said nope . He added me again today and unadded me . For a person claiming not to know me he seems like he does . I already appoligized and he saw but still keeps doing the same thing .now i find out hes been hanging with another girl at work from that same girl.

    Reply


    • Vince

      I just stumbled upon this article while trying to find some answers about myself. I’m a guy who is notorious for pulling away. The last time I had someone I called a girlfriend was over 4 years ago, and even though she was a great person, the relationship only lasted a year or so before I broke it off.

      I’ve always been a 1-girl kind of guy. Cheating and playing people sickens me because it’s happened to me, and I have no desire to make anyone else feel what I felt. No one deserves that.

      In analyzing myself and when this “pull away” starts to happen, it seems to be right when feelings start to develop. Something in me just unconsciously locks up and I go numb. It’s horrible, because I know I am about to break someone, and I’m scrambling to find the switch that lets me feel again, to no avail.

      I’ve been broken horribly by several women, and part of me thinks this lock down response is a fear-based defense mechanism. When I think of being close to someone, inside, I’m terrified of giving someone the power to inflict that kind of pain on me again.

      So I go long stretches without dating, just focusing on work and my passions. Eventually, it happens. I start feeling like I’m in a good place, with everything going right. Start feeling good, like I’m ready to share this with someone. And so I try, and either I end up in Recovery Mode from another one who hurt me or I’ve left another person with a broken heart because I locked up and went numb.

      I have no idea how to stop this other than being a hermit and politely refusing when women want to date me. And that only lasts for a good year or so before I trick myself into believing I’m ready. I don’t want to hurt people.


    • Jackson

      @ Vince

      If your mom was a cow, that’s a start. Look back and think hard.
      I’m no different than you but what I’ve learned is this: Women don’t want namby, pamby, milquetoast, weaklings…. You’ll find a woman who understands you. We all do. Articles like this are designed solely to damage the image pf men both by women and of men themselves.

      Don’t stop what you’re doing. You’ll be just fine. Don’t ever change for anyone, especially a woman. If you’re a drunk or a junkie, you should change that behaviour but if you’re just a dude that works hard, like me, has a fast paced, stressful career and then run into a woman that wants more time than you can afford to give or more emotional investment than you can offer; divest of that investment and find another one.

      I learned the hard way—I dated an institutionlaised moron–a women that went from university to work in the same place for 15 years straight. She lived in an echo chamber. She had a high opinion of herself and for 6 years I put up with her garbage. I’m an entrepreneur and a go getter. She just wanted a paycheque and a man who would support her feminist tendencies…. I’d rather have money, success and a woman that wants to stay home, raise kids and who relishes being barefoot and pregnant. I feel your pain, brother but don’t listen to rhetoric written by the bitter and unsuccessful


  16. ASIO BETTY

    Hi
    l was in a relationship with a man for five (5) yes and every thing seemed to be moving well and we both loved each other……….. but during the 3-4 years we were both at school and l visited him every weekend………….
    during his graduation l was introduced officially to his family…. and that is when l noticed that he had more girl friends and had come to the function but l played it all cool
    but this man started going out alone saying that he was protecting me from the outside world
    so one day it so a happened that l had a show to perform in since am a model,,,, he shopped for me and gave me everything l wanted to run the show but surprisingly he never showed up and on going home there was another woman who was there and pregnant for him …….,… l cried out my eyes and l moved out of the house in the middle of the night and left the two….. it marked the end of our communication and l regretted why l just moved out the house and during that time he never wanted to see or talk to me
    l moved on with my life and l had to run to another town cause l wanted to run a way from shame from people and memories and the new couple moved on and he visited the girls family and love together as husband and wife. and it so happened that l got another job in that town since l had ti late go even my job there….
    but after a year of being alone he beats her and dearly needs me back ……….. what can l do???????????????? please help
    thanks

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Asio,
      I would highly suggest for you to stay away from this relationship. Especially if he beats her. No one needs anyone. Remember that. I wish you the best and I hope you can find strength in yourself to find and have a healthier relationship.
      -Apollonia


    • Milea

      Hello,

      I am.having a relationship with my BF for almost 7 months. At the beginning, he showered me with compliments, and romantic songs. But after a while, we started to fight because of bad communication. He does not work while i do. Sometimes the topic of our conversation is boring and it is only around me and my job and his is about his past achievements. Sometimes i am running out of topic. At the beginning we could pick any topic to share with but now things become bored. His has some ex girl friends in his life and mostly his past relationship lasts for a year. He told me he would marry me but after the fight and bad communication, he started to pull himself away. He rarely talks and shut himself in his house. I asked him about it but he said there is nothing serious so no need to over thinking. But his gestures shows something is different about him.


  17. Guylaine Angers

    I was seeing a man for a month. I drove 1 hour and half 4 weekends in a row to spend time at his house. He could not leave his house bc of his dogs. He was texting me a lot always him..first. asking me what I was doing..bla Bla bla..calling me a couple of times a week. We never had sex…it was just kissing and touching..he complimented me how wonderful and nice I was. That he was in for the long haul with me. He liked to cooked and always cooked me nice dinners and breakfasts. Then I asked him if he was my boyfriend. He said will see next weekend??? He was fighting with his ex..I asked him how long ago they broke up and he would not answer. Then one morning…he left me alone in his house to work outside. So I packed my stuff and left. He sent me a text apologizing for not making breakfast . I told him that I was confused not knowing what was going that morning. He said you are welcome to anything in my house. I said I drove all the way to your house to spend time with you. He went quiet dead that day and night. Usually he would always answer my texts and he would sent me a text good night with a kiss that day i.got nothing. Next morning I asked him why the silent treatment..and ask him if he dead or was in hospital..was not interested no more..if he just wanted a friend with benefit..or if he was on another date? I simply ask honesty with a straight answer. He got upset and offended..he said he fell asleep. I apologized to him twice for that text. He stopped talking to me. It was excruciating because I like him. He made me feel very bad that I asked him why he ghosted me that day. I asked him if he wanted to continue seeing me or not. For 3 days he would not give me an answer. I said goodbye to him it was nice meeting you best of luck. Now I regret it so much about my text and.my goodbyes. I want to stay friend with him and have a second chance. But he wont answer. I am sad because I screwed up …

    Reply


  18. Shafia Zahin

    I’ve had a breakup with my boyfriend a year ago…though I’m not comfortable with it,still I want to figure out what went wrong,hoping to have help from you:)
    Our relationship was not a relationship at all ,I see now..I was too naive to understand how to handle a relationship.It began suddenly within one week of Facebook chatting,then we went on dates whatever but I never tried to show the rights on him! I didn’t call if he didn’t and he used to remain without calling for several days ,I wondered if he doesn’t miss me at all! But I didn’t understand the difference between being needy and being way too nice to not being needy at all ,like whatever he did,even if I felt bad I used to remain too much cool and told him that it was okay!!! Because maybe I put him on a pedestal,maybe I thought that it would cause resentment and fighting ,so let it be and I compromised! Probably I lost my high value and he started pulling away and I also didn’t say anything to him at that time..but when he ended the relationship he just said that he never felt that he was in a relationship with me..
    I also want to know how to communicate with a man when he does something that we don’t like..because I read that men doesn’t like to have told what to do or what to not,then if he does something that I don’t like,if I charge him for it then it will be accusing him and he may pull away eventually because it may show that I am needy but you tell me I am his girlfriend so I do have some rights,don’t I? so,how come telling my needs make me needy? My head just blows away to figure out the balance..sorry for the long post,but I loved your article and hope that you’ll make some time to reply…thank you😊

    Reply


    • Seng.kieng@gmail.com

      Hello,

      This is an interesting article. My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I was complaining that we are not spending enough time together. I see him once every 2-3 weeks. Then he went silent for 3 days, so I texts him and call him out on that. He wasn’t happy about that. He told me I deserved someone who can give me full time attention and he isn’t the right person since he is very busy. I told him no one is too busy . That’s just an excuse. Anyway, I was shock when he broke up with me. Didn’t see it coming especially when he kept telling me wants to marry me. This definitely was a blow. How do get over this? I deleted his number to prevent me from texting him nasty comments. Honestly, I want him regret his decision for letting me go. Can you give some advise ?

      Regards,

      Kim


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Kim,
      The way you can make him regret it is by moving on and being happy without him. Positive attitude and change is what draws people back to you. With that said he might reach out again and don’t be too easy to let him in. You want to make sure he has changed too. Follow a couple of things I’ve mentioned in this blog and stick to focusing on you and letting go of him one step at a time.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  19. Stephmariaoliver@hotmail.com

    This article really hits home. I recently reconnected with a guy I hooked up with in my twenties (I’m now 48 and we are both recently divorced!). He lives about 4 hours away. He told me he had a weekend conference near where I live, so for over a month we had a huge buildup to that weekend. “Our”
    Weekend. I was very forward with him, both through texts and talking, and he knew how awful my marriage had been and that I hadn’t been intimate in 7+ years! We had an AMAZING weekend and I know he likes me..but don’t know to what extent. I know I probably moves too fast and have expectations that probably won’t be met..I have been so depressed. So hard for me not to text him daily..I try to wait for him to initiate. I want to ask if he sees this going anywhere..but I am scared of the answer. It is also just very hard since it’s the firat time I felt wanted in about 15 years!! How do i get over this?? What do i do?? I can’t stop thinking about him.

    Reply


  20. Rhimina

    Hi Appollonia thank you for the article I thought it was great. I started dating a guy back in June 2018, it was like a whirl wind romance we were seeing each other at least 3/4 times a week, he asked me to meet his mum after about a week i said no its to soon, then within a month I had met his mum, best friend, sister, female friends, Aunty, cousins. He was bringing me to family events, buying me shoes, cooking for me, spontaneously turning up with flowers and breakfast, coming to my family events, staying with me for a whole week. For 2 months I spoke to him every single day. Then after 2 months he bought us tickets for a festival and at the event we had an argument whereby I had apparently reprimanded like a child. From that point everything changed, he became distant and we were constantly arguing. So I broke up with him in September, but he came back saying he wanted to reconcile. In October we talked and got back together, but he continued to be distant and make little effort, not returning my calls and messages for 24/48, telling me we’re meeting up but never making a plan to do so. Always saying he’s busy working as an excuse as to why we are not meeting. In December I broke it off again. We were at the same event in January and again he said he wanted to try again, saying we should go away for the weekend and spend quality time rebuilding our relationship this of course never materialised and 3 weeks later I blocked him on phone calls, whats app, and social media. It’s now been 2 months since I blocked him and he hasn’t tried to contact me by other means. I still love him and want him, but I have been working on myself and will not settle for less than I deserve. However I still don’t understand why he changed and why we he became all talk and no action.

    Reply


    • Rhimina

      I forgot to mention that he also kept saying from very early on that he would marry me and have kids with me.
      And during the stage where he was pulling away he would always talk about my attitude being a problem, but obviously I would be upset with him because their was no action!


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Rhimina,
      Thank you for reading this article and I am glad you found it interesting. There are several reasons why a man pulls away and stops contact suddenly without giving you any explanation. The important thing now, is for you to take time and reflect on this relationship. This time is for your personal growth and to rebuild your confidence. You are on the right path by working on your self and learning that you deserve so much more. I know that you truly care for him, because as you stated you have allowed him into your life several times. Keep busy and focus on what you need and try something new. I am not sure if you will ever understand why he became all talk and no action. Take this experience and grow from it so that you can have the healthy relationship you so deserve.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  21. tina

    hello! well i ve read this article and i want to share my story also. I met this guy online and we “clicked” immediately. we ‘ve been texting-videocalling all the time and he told me from the beginning he was looking for sth serious etc. He called all the time and texted A LOT. we werent in a relationship since we haven’t met yet but we promised to meet in 4 months from now. the thing is he became a lot more distant this week. he doesn’t call or text as often. dont get me wrong he still does but if he sent 20 messages a day now he sends 5 . maybe he got scared because i am kind of clingy sometimes but at the beginning he seemed to not bother at all. i like him so much and i am afraid he might bail on me . what should i do? as far as i know asking him is not a good idea right?

    Reply


  22. Karen

    Here;s an interesting one and maybe I am being a brat but I’m going to ask anyway. Late October I started seeing this guy. I did everything wrong one the first date, but I din’t care one bit because I honestly didn’t find him to be great looking. Super nice, great dresser, good body, but different than I expected. Anyway, we went out again because if a guy seems to have most of the qualities I like, if I think he’s super nice and cool, I’ll give it a try. We sleep together on date 2 and again, I DON’T CARE that I probably should not have. He still wants to see me though. After date four, I decide I’m just trying to like the guy so I tell him I can’t see him anymore. I don’t say exactly why but that something is not there.He starts to ask why and then backs off (smart) and takes it like a gentleman.That was after like 2 weeks. The next day or two all I do is tell my friends about this and it occurs to me I’m thinking about him nonstop. So I text him and BAM! Back together, dating and having the best sex I have EVER had in my life. We text a lot, he intiates, I don’tact needy at all… It’s nice, it’s warm, it’s sexy, it’s just great. THEN… his mom dies. He has to leave town but he just keeps on texting me the whole time. Before that he even invited me into his own world at a ceremony he had to attend. Up to this point he says thing like when you meet so and so and things like that. While out of town, everything is still great and he says he doesn’t want to dwell on his mom.I respect that so I don’t push at all. Before he gets back he he says he needs to take me to his home town (a popular vacation destination). When he gets back I meet him but his flight was delayed so it’s pretty late (not normal for us to do late night stuff like that). I even said if it’s too late let’s reschedule. He says no so I go. The next day is fine… texting blah blah blah, but the following day he seems to be distant. I do nothing. The next day, today, I text him first. He says he had a headache the day before but it’s probably stress over deciding to leave an old job for a new one and a lawsuit he’s in. He then tells me about it. But…. he definitely seems more distant than when his mom died, so I’m thinking am I just being a complete brat here or is he actually losing interest. It seems really obvious to me but I have recently decided I don’t make excuses for a man’s behaviour any more. If they want you, no matter the circumstances, you know it. what’s your take? Feel free to completely call me out, if I am just being a big baby here. At this point, I actually do really like the guy. I wish he would say something like “I’m cray about you” or something but his actions up to this point have been great so saying words may be a bit much to expect less than 2 months in anyway. Either way, I just want to know if I should completely bail at this point because I hate this feeling!

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Karen,
      Thanks for your comment. The only thing I would “call out” about this is when you say if they want you no matter the circumstances, you know it. The reason being is because he has proven it to you over time. He is not in a vulnerable state and also going through a lot. Typically a man under financial stress and job stress takes a significant toll on his ego and self-dignity. It’s a different stress. Losing someone you welcome support because he had no control over it. Now, the other stuff he possibly did and is having a significant amount of guilt. What I would suggest is that you step back a bit and let him reach out when he is ready. I do believe checking in with him from time to time is good and not let your ego get the best of you. Be positive in your time and conversations with him right now. Do not input any additional stress and let things progress naturally. Show him that you will support him even if that’s giving him some time to breathe. You will find out the answer. I would encourage you to also book a session with me here so I can give you exact tailored advice for your situation. https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching-2/
      Best,
      Apollonia


    • Karen

      My mind agrees with what you are saying but I have not heard from him at all today which only makes me think my gut feeling is that he is definitely on his way out…


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Understood. Understand there is nothing you can do if he pushes away. Focus on you right now and make sure you stay in a positive mind frame. I know it’s hard but the less focus you but on this the better it will be for you. Give it some space and back away for now. 🙂


  23. Jenny

    I love your articles. Appreciate to help and advice my situation. I’m in relation with my boyfriends for 3 months. He’s start to talk about the future and marriage since our 3rd date. He was send me fill text everyday it’s made my heart fell full and in love with him so much and we start to have sex after 4th date. But since last months I few something changed after I asked him about the series relation between us, he’s send me a less of text, didn’t keep the date schedule. When I talked about get marriage he said we just know each other a few months. Now I’m move to other country and so worry about the long distance relation with him. He’s promised me will waiting to me and will come to visit me on Jan. But right now I got only one message from him a day someday it’s no text from him. I love him so much. How should I get him back.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello Jenny,
      Thanks, and I am happy you enjoy the articles. It seems as though you gave him too much early on. I know right now it hurts but what I would suggest you do is focus on you and what makes you happy. Push away a little bit because he has to feel as though he is losing you too. Slow the pace of things when he reaches back out and don’t come off too eager for a relationship. The one thing I have to mention here is if he is not ready for a relationship with you then you cannot force this. The best thing you can do is take a step back and let him pursue you.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  24. Sindhu

    I met someone just about 10 days back have been chatting with him . We were chatting everyday literally every .from good morning to sexting to hugs kisses and pics where he is at

    Last 2 days he is been very quiet. He messages when i do .

    This has happened tome many times . I.met 2 men before . We got along so well . Suddenly 1 disappeared and other just stopped chatting n seeing me

    I am not sure what to do.
    This guy i met 10 days back i really like him ..

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello,
      You might be going all in too soon. I would take a couple steps back and figure out what it is that you want from a man and put yourself first. It takes time to build attraction and sometimes people text for attention only. You don’t know there intentions until you continue to date someone and see them face to face. I wouldn’t take this personally and I would suggest mirroring what they are doing to you.
      Best,
      Apollonia


    • Heather youngblood

      Sometimes men pull away for the same reasons we do . Ex: they have a huge stress related pimple and because most men don’t wear makeup, they can’t hide it, and they are embarrassed. Just because men exhibit different behavior than we do ( all that “manly” conditioning) doesn’t mean they are so different than we are. Let’s stop talking about men and women like we are different species and we need to study each other. Neither men nor women have a collective mind. Let’s just treat each other as individuals and take every case into account. I met the nicest, sweetest guy a year ago. Doesn’t mean it’s all been perfect, but he’s an individual just like I am and this b.s. “guys do this” and “women do that” is just not helpful to anyone. I love my short, stocky, loudmouth best friend/ sometimes bf dearly. First, and foremost, hes my best friend, the best friend I have ever had, when he’s not being a pain in the ass. But he’s still my best friend, and I love him, I hope we will always be friends.


  25. Krem

    Dear Apollonia,

    Two months ago I met a man. We were so attracted to each other that it all happened so fast, on the first date. He warned me that he didn’t want a relationship… I did my best to listen to his feelings, show understanding and get some intimacy and we eventually got close and started meeting every week. I was sleeping over at his house, we were having good time, having sex, doing normal things like cooking and spending the whole weekend together. I knew he had a very problematic past – a father who never married his mother or took any responsibility, a brother from another mother who caused him problems, personal problems with drugs in the past and two broken relationships with 1) bulimic anorexic girl and 2) a girl who cheated on him 10 months ago. I was so good to listen, give him the peace he needed and be very patient with him.

    We had very profound conversations, sharing the most intimate secrets and trusting each other. The physical part was amazing! After I couldn’t withhold my feelings on several occasions (two –three times during these two months) he started to pull back. The invitations to sleep over stopped all of a sudden, he stopped texting me every day and we have not met now for three weeks. I don’t see anything of what he told me before (that I was a different kind of a woman, that he hardly let someone so close to himself, that I am one of the few people he lets touch and hug him, that he cared about me given that he texted me every day, that I am a person worth having closer and that he didn’t want to hurt me). I try to revive things but every time I ask to meet he comes with “Maybe, if you find time although I am going out this weekend” and after going out “I got so drunk, I have a terrible hangover let’s meet another day” (which never comes), or when I ask whether we would meet he says “Let’s go to the cinema!” and then asks “Have you seen the movies? Although there is nothing good..” and it all stops there.

    I feel such a terrible pain but don’t initiate a conversation just not to pull him ever further. I thought he confided in me, liked time with me and enjoyed bed time but now I feel terribly helpless and wonder what should I do… Please help me! I am so hopeless…

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello,
      I know this is hard and I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have dated a man that is emotionally unavailable and is following the same pattern that he had in his life. You mentioned his father never married his mother so this is an issue that he has to overcome himself. This is his past playing into his life now. You have to make yourself less available to him and understand that you deserve more than this. I would encourage you to book a session with me or a male coach on my team so we can help you during this time. You can reach out to me on my contact page. If so please state you messaged me on my blog so I can remember. We are here if you need further guidance.
      Best,
      Apollonia


    • Heather youngblood

      Relax and just enjoy the time you do have together. Don’t obsessed about this. If he doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you, find something else do that you like to do. Make plans with yourself and stick to them. Don’t chase any man except the ice cream man. He might be going through some things he’s not ready to share. Or, he might just be stringing you along. You don’t know. But, there’s no reason to worry about anything unless you know there’s something to worry about. There are plenty of things you could be doing to make yourself happy and keep busy (in a good, happy, productive way) even if you are dead ass broke. Keep yourself entertained. If nothing else, if this guy isn’t ready to be a grown up yet, if you are doing something you love, you will meet other people that have the same interests that you do. You might not meet prince charming, but you will meet some good friends that have the same interests that you do. And remember: you don’t have to be soulmates with someone to go see a movie or have coffee. I’m about a hair away from aetheist, and I have friends all across the board. You don’t have to have everything in common with a person to be friends, or be friendly or just hang out. Wish you the best of luck with your dude and everything else. Big hugs.


  26. Yanna

    Hi,

    I had this ex-boyfriend whom I was in a relationsip with for just 6 months. During our last month, August, his mom underwent an operation and is still recovering. There was no father figure so had to be the one to be in charge of everything. Which, I think, was pretty new to him. And he just started a new job at a bank.

    So things went a little out of hand when I had this episode. I was needy. I noticed that I was the only one making efforts. He doesn’t plan on seeing me. I know it’s my fault for pushing myself too much towards him and giving him the pressure that hey, you have a girlfriend work that ass off!

    So we broke up. For a week, nothing changed. We’re still like the couple that we always have been. Then I called him out cos I got confused as to why are we still like this when you already broke up with me.

    Apparently, my ex wanted that kind of setup. No commitment. After calling him out, things changed. He got distant.

    Until one night, I called him and he told me to let go and stop. That we should focus more on ourselves more specially on our jobs. After that, I never talked to him.

    One week after, he messaged me telling me he misses me. He misses everything and invited me for a dinner. Event mentioned that he misses making love with me. Kissing me. Hugging. And talking to me. And that I’m still important to him. He said I’m not someone he can just categorize as his ex-girlfriend.

    So, this guy has been updating me ever since. Planning on going on a hike together. Foodtrips.

    Help me. I don’t know what is happening. Is this just a booty call or something else?

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello Yianna,
      Here is the thing. You want to focus on you not only because this is healthy which is the main reason and you’re putting yourself first but by putting yourself first he will want you more. There is a deep desire for people to be with someone that puts themselves first. I would not only follow his lead. Make sure you are not too available in the process and really schedule time for you. Then take control back a little bit so you can eventually see where this is headed.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  27. Stephanie

    Hi,

    I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 8 months now. He completely swept me off my feet in the beginning (it was like a love bomb). He started changing a couple months after that — we never really “dated” — it just went from a couple dates where he would take me out and drop me off at my apartment and go back to his. Then, a few weeks later he was practically living in my apartment full time. He blames me for everything wrong in the relationship — shuts down emotionally now and we just had another blowout and he says to me he needs a week of space. I think he was just using me for convenience because my apartment was closer to his for work. I am so confused. He is not texting much anymore, not interested in my goals and things we used to share and that bonded us in the beginning. It just feels so empty and I can’t talk to him because he automatically says that I focus on him too much and I analyze the relationship too much. He calls me crazy and negative, among other things. He basically just comes over and sleeps. No connection, no emotion. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think it’s time to let him go — I also think he has narcissistic traits as i’ve been trying to read and educate myself. Could you offer any advice? Thank you.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello Stephanie,
      Yes, it seems as though this man has you where he wants you. Even though spending time with him makes you feel better in hopes it will change when you see him it will not. Honestly, I would go ghost for 30 days. Focus on you getting the control of yourself and your emotions because I understand that this can be hard but you deserve better and you have a right to demand better. He will want to know why you aren’t talking to him and after 30 days you deliver that message and once you do you have the control back. I have an amazing coach that works with women so if you need anything in the future we are here for you.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  28. yana

    Hello,

    I was reading your article and I just had to write to you and ask for your guidance. I have been seeing a married man for almost two years. Everything was great and it seemed as we were going to be together then I am not sure what happened about 2-3 months ago that he just started to pull away and makes the excuse that he’s doing what he’s doing to protect us. Not sure what that means…. Confused, and heart broken

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello Yana,
      In this type of situation usually, the man will go back to the wife especially if there are kids involved because it is easier financially. As you know these relationships are not healthy and you do not deserve to be the other woman. You have more to offer than just being that. Even though he showered you with love and affection that is not enough. I believe what you should do moving forward is take a break and focus on you and see if he makes a move to file for divorce and be with you. Please feel free to reach out to me for a private session if you would like some guidance. I am here for you! 🙂
      Best,
      Apollonia


  29. Jeana

    This was and interesting article. I’ve been seen a man for nearly a year. He has told me he loves me, but I get mixed messages and it’s causing me to be confused about the longevity of our relationship. He doesn’t plan time for dates or going out. He might say come to dinner the next day, but I might not hear from him about dinner, like he forgot. I feel that a lot of what we do is based on him and although he might ask my opinion, it’s often is not taken. I don’t feel like a priority to him. I’m confused, but I am in love with him. Help

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello Jeana,
      Thank you for your comment. So this is very common and it seems to me he is keeping you around but not a priority. You will not get a true commitment from a man if he does not see you as a priority. There could be a way of changing this and you should not give him your time when he asks for it moving forward. I encourage you to reach out to me here and book a 30 or 1HR coaching session so we can discuss how to change this moving forward. Hope to hear from you soon. https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching-2/
      Best,
      Apollonia Ponti


  30. Shay

    Hi, I have been talking with a man that is older then me. He is very private and he needed space so I gave it to him. Out of respect cause I once was in his shoes. And found myself again when i had my own time. We haven’t had sex in the months we been together. Just talking and enjoying one another company. There are times he asks me to stay with him more now days and I do. Still no Sex, alot of kissing and holding. Then we both stop one another before it goes further. Why? Idk but we respect one another more. But I have noticed we have recently stopped talking like we use to. The convos shorten. Our conversations are about our days, and some sexting or just straight talk n tease about being romantic. We just have fun. I do know he dont to hurt me, n he is afraid of his own actions. He’s the touchy feely type with women. And it surprises him I don’t get mad or jealous. He tells me he ain’t use to the way I act towards stuff like that. I’ve asked him if he’s trying to push me away he says no then he says maybe… I don’t feel he is cheating, I just think we are both scared to take the next step. Cause we both hurt and was hurt in our last relationships. Getting confused need some advice.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Shay,
      To be honest I don’t think he is scared to take the next step. I do think he likes you and has feelings for you but it seems to me that you are not setting boundaries and voicing your opinion and standards in this relationship so he will eventually take you for granted. I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear but I am here to give you the truth through years of experience. Right now, he has you when he wants you and he does not have anything pushing him to be with you. Some questions I would ask is why does it not bother you that he is touchy feely with other women? Becuase you don’t want to push him away? Or Don’t want to come off bossy, controlling, or needy? If so, then this will push a man away because he will take you for granted. Now, if you are open to open relationships then that’s ok too. Just trying to touch all bases here. But moving forward you need to know your good enough and not an option to this man. Go radio silent for 30 days! Also, challenge yourself to do some new activities to keep your mind busy. I know this will be hard but do this. 🙂 I invite you to reach out to me for a coaching session too if you would like so we can get some actions into play.


  31. Hannah

    Hi thanks for this article was very helpful pls help me solve my current prob..i have only 1 concern….if he loves me ??
    In relationship for 9 months we gel nicely but recently frm a month he got job n i saw change in his behaviour its obvious he wont b able to give much time but even on sundays (2 sunday off a month…yes hectic schedule he has)
    when he has off he dont contact me..no msgs n no calls
    I didnt contacted him i also did same n he msged me on 4th day n casual talk for 2 3 mins again i had to call him after a day askin whts prob he says hes stressed frm family issue n work stress as job is of 12 hrs daily
    What should i do ?? I asked him if he wanna continue relation he says yes…i also admit during this time i got angry n clingy twice on him askin him to msg n call me
    N he started to ignore me more.
    He had done this before also sayin to leave him alone as hes havin family issues.i see him using social media but now he dont care to contact me.
    Pls advice..

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello Hannah,
      I know right now can be difficult but it’s important you pull back and give him space to see if he will show up for you. Sometimes in relationships, you can be taken for granted and if he is not moving towards you to find comfort when he isn’t making you a priority. I would not reach out to him and keep yourself busy. Do something that makes you happy and do something you have been wanting to do for a while. Watch this video as I believe this will help you as well. All the best and hope this helps! https://youtu.be/IHxpL_E4Ihg
      Apollonia


  32. Siphiwe

    Please help me,my boyfriend cheated on me and said its because I don’t rely on him cause I’m a independent woman.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Siphiwe,
      This is absolutely no excuse for you to be cheated on. Your independence is important and if he wanted the attention he should have spoken to you about this before he cheated instead of cheating and then placing blame on you. This is narcissistic behavior and I encourage you to stay strong. If you need further help you can reach out to me for a private coaching session here so I can guide you towards working through this. https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching-2/


  33. Sophie

    This article is perfect. I need it 🙂

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      So happy you found this article useful! Thank you for your comment.


    • Apollonia Ponti

      You’re welcome. I am happy you liked this article.


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About me

I work with YOU, men, to master your attraction skills and confidence in order to find the right partner or become an irresistible dater, Deepen your current relationship, or get out of the friend-zone!

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