Is She Using Me: What’s going on and what to do!

Perhaps you’re dating someone or have found a woman you like, and now you can’t help but wonder, “Is she using me”? Or, you might be wondering how to stop history from repeating itself and you are just over it!

In this article, I will talk about these scenarios and share advice with you on how to turn this around. And that’s not all! I am going to give you the key qualities to pay attention to when dating a woman, so you can find that quality woman that will love you for who you are! I know these things can be difficult to understand and let’s face it – dating in the modern world isn’t always the easiest. In fact, it is more complicated than ever. So that’s why I am here!

I will help you get complications out of the way and start manifesting the love you want into your life right now! If you recognize the characteristics that you find in this article in the woman you are dating, I encourage you to turn the page and move on. I can promise you a good woman will be on her way to you the moment you stop dedicating time and energy to women who aren’t 100% there for you!

Does she love me or is she just using me… and why?!

I know that people can be very manipulative if they have only one thing in mind, and there can be a variety of things on a person’s mind. Women might be using you for attention, affection, gifts, or even for something as simple as dinner dates! Especially if you fall into the nice guy tendencies. Which isn’t a bad thing but you should read this blog next. How To Stop Being The Nice Guy With These 7 Tips!

That’s why it’s important that you pay attention to the key principles and tips that I am going to give you here on this blog.

First, let’s talk about why women may use men. They want that simple gratification so many people look for. You might make her feel wanted, which is a temporary boost of confidence. It is just gratifying for that moment, and she’ll come back for more attention. Typically, a woman like this is always going to run hot and cold. Yes, this helps her confidence, but only helps it temporarily and that’s why she keeps coming back.

Another possibility is that she might like to play that damsel in distress card with you. She might be in a bad place in her life right now and looking for someone to help clean it up. I am not saying that this is a good or bad thing because there have been plenty of relationships that came from this, but if she’s halfway in and halfway out of the relationship with you, then it is likely that she is using you for what she needs at the moment.

You might be supplying her with gifts or heck, you might be even paying her cable bill! I see this often. Yes, I know men love to feel like the provider and that you can take care of your woman, but if she isn’t showing up and nurturing you as a man then you need to let this go. This is especially true if you find out she’s giving attention to other men or is dating other people instead of focusing on you.

I see plenty of men trying to help women and this has a lot to do with masculine energy and the desire to be a supporter, as a man should. But there is a fine line that no one really talks about.

Women have to earn that trust, earn the respect, and earn the capacity for you to fulfill her life financially if you choose to do so.

Just as you have to earn her respect too. So, if you find yourself in any of these situations right now, I want you to think about writing down the traits you look for in a partner and focus on this moving forward.

What is the feeling you want your ideal partner to give you?

How to know if a girl is using you

In this section, I am going to discuss the feelings you’ll get around a girl that is using you. In the last paragraph, I talked about how to tell you’re being used and you might be thinking that it’s the same thing.

No! As you know, I peel back the onion in my articles because I want to make sure I cover all bases. I like to logically approach every angle possible so after you read my article you feel as though your answers have been answered! When you are speaking to a girl on the phone or via texts, and you are trying to make plans, she can come off a little hesitant about officially planning something if she is using you.

She might even keep you around for the last minute. Now, we live busy lives so this may happen every once in a while, but it should not happen all the time. If your gut is telling you that she is not interested, then follow your intuition on this. This will never steer you wrong. When a woman does not make you feel like the masculine man that you are, it can be a result of the fact that she doesn’t want much to do with you.

Does she laugh at you, excessively tease you, and make fun of you? Does she put you down alone or when around company? If you answered yes, STOP TAKING IT! This is not acceptable and you deserve more. I will talk about how to make a transition further down. Let’s say you plan a date and she cancels on you last minute.

You know that she may be using you and is not valuing your time. When a woman makes you feel emasculated and does not treat you with respect, then you are seeing traits of narcissistic behaviors. You may see that you need to focus on these and learn from these patterns so that you do not waste any more time focusing on a woman like this. You deserve a woman that is going to lift you up and support you just as you would do for her. You might be wondering, “Why is it so hard to find a good woman?” Well, let’s discuss the signs to keep an eye out for so you can detect if she is using you moving forward.

Is she using me: 6 Tips to know she’s using you!

You have to pay for everything

It feels like she always gets her way. I know that in a lot of my videos on my YouTube channel, I talk about men paying on the first date – especially if they’re asking a woman out. But if you continue dating her, then she has to show up and want to contribute in some way as well. Relationships are a two-way road!

Here are some ways that you can pay attention to her behaviors when you’re on a date:

Does she order the most expensive thing on the menu?
Does she not thank you for dinner?

Make sure you give her the possibility to reciprocate. Challenge her and ask her to show you what she likes to do. Ask her to plan something for the both of you on the next date. This is how you can tell if a woman is using you. If she is, she won’t care to show you the things she likes to do because it requires time, effort, and thought.

She avoids serious talks

She does not want to talk about her family, her friends, her emotions, or her feelings with you. You might ask her “Where do you think this is going,” and she replies, “I don’t know. Let’s just see.” She might even avoid personal questions in general. You may bring this up multiple times and she continues to avoid this conversation.

She only wants to do things that she likes

This is why I mentioned challenging her in my first tip. If you are being used by a girl, she is only going to want to do something that is pleasing for her. She only has something to gain and that’s why she’s in this relationship. So, pay attention to her habits and what is she doing. Here is a good way to pay attention to what she’s doing. You invite her out for a drink and she asks you where you want to go. The place you suggest isn’t good enough for her, and she always counters with, “No, I would rather go here…” Her suggestion is either more expensive or not as intimate, so she can socialize and mingle at a scenic place. If this sounds familiar, it’s time to rethink this relationship or challenge yourself to stand your ground in terms of what you want to do. See if she’s willing to compromise and always wants space.

She might not even know your last name

She might not even care to know. So, ask her right now, “What’s my last name?” Ask her questions about the conversations that you’ve had in the past to see if she remembers important details about you. Think about something that’s meaningful to you, something that has value in your life. Not just “What did I say to you yesterday when we were leaving the restaurant?” That’s so vague. Instead, ask her if she remembers how many sisters you have.

Pay attention to her body language

When you talk to her, is she focused on you? Does she pay attention to you or is she always talking to other people and never making eye contact? Does she even ask you questions about you and your life?

Maybe she just wants sex

You might be seeing signs she only wants sex. She never spends the night and she never has any intimate conversations with you after sex. She might leave right after and only contact you late at night.

If you’re looking for a relationship or something sustainable, I challenge you to pay attention to the signs I mentioned in this article and not invest your time in a woman that isn’t giving you the attention you are giving her.

Get my MASTER YOUR CONFIDENCE AUDIO SEMINAR HERE! 

Does she really love me or is she using me?

If you’re falling in love with a woman that might be giving you the signs that she is using you, you have to take matters into your own hands by setting the boundaries and getting your answers fast. Communication is key to all and any relationships. If you don’t have communication then you don’t have anything.

So, can you communicate how you feel right now with your partner? If you answered “No,” then what is the reason behind it? What is coming up for you? Will she not be able to listen or hear you? Or will you end up getting in a fight about this as time goes on?

Many couples that have been together for years wind up asking themselves these questions. “Is she using me?” As time goes on, the relationship might seem comfortable and you might fall out of love. You end up asking yourself if your partner is just using you because it’s comfortable or if the love is still there.

If this is the battle you’re facing in your relationship right now, then it’s time to ask questions and have that talk with your partner on how you can have a healthy relationship, and what actions you both need to implement moving forward. I wrote a blog that can help you with this called How to Have a Healthy Relationship.

Is my girlfriend using me?

As this article comes to a close, let’s talk about how you can transform being used into something more meaningful in a relationship. If you are experiencing this right now, the best thing for you to do is the following…

Do not initiate any more contact with her. Let her start to take initiatives in the relationship. Enroll in something you’ve been wanting to try in the community or try out a new activity. Once you do this, work out and change your look a little so you can stand out.

She will start making the effort to get your attention again, and when she does, it will be the right time to set boundaries. Don’t just hang out with her the moment she reaches out to you. Make sure you show her that you are busy. When she reaches out again, showcase yourself.

Setting boundaries are voicing your opinion and your concerns from a place of confidence and value. Don’t downplay your values or morals to fit into someone’s else glove. Once you change your mindset on how to communicate effectively with a woman, then you will understand how to get past this. A lot of women look for stability and masculinity. When a woman finds a man that respects her while staying true to who he is with little compromises on his beliefs, then they can start to set the tone for a healthy foundation and respect.

You will only be respected as much as you respect yourself.

If you find yourself still wondering how to move forward please comment below or reach out to me for a private coaching session. I am here for you!

You are always loved,

Apollonia

Apollonia Ponti, an international certified coach and founder of apolloniaponti.com. She works with ambitious men to attract the woman they desire, build confidence, master their attraction skills and helps rebuild relationships.

You can find her expert advice on “is she using me”, plus a couple other of your core professional services, through her YouTube Channel, and Attract a Woman E-Book. To get real results with women NOW! Change your life and master your attraction. Book a coaching session here.

25 Comments

  1. akinfoyeku steve

    hello im steve from nigeria west african,i have a relationship of 7years,a very difficult one at that,because we alway have issues,,the relationship is falling short of my dream,i have try to break the relationship but its been very difficult.we have 2kids ,each time i discuss with her about breaking up she always put up a big fight and threat to kill herself and the kids,i have been assulted so many times physically.
    now i have a girl friend who is now expliting the situation ,she is using me…
    i thought having a girl will bring some form of comfort to my discomforted self,hell no,she using to pay her bills,..
    i cant visit her..
    i cant get her intimated sexually….

    what can i do going forward..i need your help….

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Akinfoyeku,
      Seems like you are in a toxic and abusive relationship. If you and your kids are in some immediate danger than you should find some help. This is a time that you may need to lean on family and friends for some comfort. As you described, bringing another relationship into the mist of this has not been beneficial. I recommend you start working on yourself.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  2. Miguel Lagunas

    Thank you for the article. I’ ve been seeing this girl for 9 months and in all this time she never publicly acknowledge to anyone we are dating, i always pay for everything, we only go for drinks and when I tried to propose to take a trip she didn’t want it, she never has time, she sometimes cancels our dates and disappear from time to time. The part about she making plans really stroke, she never invites me anywhere… Thank you for open my eyes.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Miguel,
      You are welcome! thank you for your comment and reading my blog about “is she using you”.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  3. Ralph Jamal Taylor

    I was seeing this woman who broke up with her boyfriend. she has 2 kids. her boyfriend lives in the same house and they agreed to seperate after the lease is up. We went out on a date and had sec twice. it was amazing both times according to her. Before we had sex, she told me she has HSV2. I too, but havent told her yet…Wait, theres more. After our 2nd encounter ( Valentines Day) a week later, I asked her did she want to meet up within 2 wks. she was cold told me no and that we need not to see each other anymore and deleted me from all social media. She also felt that I was catching feelings when she said she didnt want a relationship at this point. I saw your videos and I love them. She told me I was a great guy after Valentine’s Day, but now Im feeling like A piece of Shit…..please help

    Ralph

    Reply


  4. Martin

    Thank you for sharing this Apollonia. It really helped me get through and understand what happened with a girl i started dating 2 months ago and i really liked her. It felt like i was walking into a one sided relationship as i did everything from paying for every date, driving to her all the time she didnt want to drive to me i live over an hour away or seem to want to meet halfway. Also intimacy there was none or got my hopes up and cancelled. Many of the signs you mentioned i endured. It was getting to be too much and i decided to have a chat about contributing if we want to continue into a relationship i want to see some reciprocity from her. All i got was excuses and in the end we came to an agreement . I was cool with it although i wasnt sure it would happen. I didnt ask to be showered with gifts or taken out for expensive dinner just pitch in sometimes thats all. Felt wrong even asking for someone you like a lot to show they care about you. Well after hashing it out for a bit it ended bad and i was insulted i was compared to her wealthy ex so i decided to walk out of the situation havent spoken to her since.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Martin,
      Thanks for your comment. I am so happy this blog brought you some clarity to find out if she’s using you.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  5. Antonio

    Hi Apolonia,

    Thanks for the article!

    I have been “talking” to a lady online for about a month. I’m very open and affectionate. And I think I made the mistake to shower with flowers, teddy bears, chocolates, candles and even a cake too soon on Christmas and her birthday! (Nice guy U can say). I also made another mistake, which is I sounded too needy for her love one time. She told me that she didn’t like that and I stopped my natural affections for her.

    The problem is that she is the type of lady who is VERY proper in her composure when we talk online. She is very proper in her language, doesn’t laugh spontaneously, shares nothing personal or intimate on her own, doesn’t display emotions. She said that we needed to be friends first before anything serious could develop. That she MIGHT love me (but no promises that she’s going to love me).

    After the last gifts (for her birthday) she told me: “you see, now we have a good communication as friends, not like before (when I expressed that I wanted to love her and I dreamed of her loving me too soon, and then form a family right away)”

    In response to me asking her about her birthday and Christmas, she simply thank me again,but did NOT share at all any intimate that would make me feel wanted or desired.

    She had not texted me for a few days and not chatted with me at all (didn’t initiate conversation. She is another country). I am not embarresed to say this, but I cried because I feel dissapointed that she didn’t showed me any affection. BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE TO WALK IN MASCULINE STRENGHT. I WILL NOT CRY FOR HER AGAIN BECAUSE SHE DOESNT TEXT ME OR INITIATE A CHAT!

    I am a very loving man. I would do anything for the right lady (even sacrificing my own life for her if I had to), but I can not accept a lady that doesn’t love or appreciate me.

    Of course, I have to take into account that she says. That feelings of love take time. Still, not sharing much about her and her world is not affectionate and considerate at all.

    I am accustomed to walk away from the ladies In like. I realize now more why these relationships always end up in failure: I GIVE MYSELF TOO EASY, TOO SOON.

    Too bad most ladies does NOT APPRECIATE VERY LOVING AND GOOD MEN OUT THERE. On one hand they say the “want a good man, but in the other hand they are SO COLD WITH THEIR HEARTS.”

    I opted for not writing to her this week. I am not going to talk to her until the end of the moment. If she doesn’t open to me to at least share more about her heart, SHOWING ME SOME VULNERABILITY (and not the super calm and relaxed lady she is now), then that will be a sign that she doesn’t want me and doesn’t make feel needed and missed.

    I WILL WALK AWAY, AS I HAVE DONE IT MANY TIMES. I DESERVE RESPECT AND LOVE. BUT NEXT TIME I WILL NOT GIVE IN MYSELF TOO QUICKLY AND TOO GENEROUSLY. SHE’S GOING TO BE THE ONE MISSING (truly, a good man of God is hard to find nowadays).

    We men appreciate when a lady shows some effort in looking for us and make us feel wanted. A little bit like heroes.

    Too bad most ladies don’t recognize exceptional men. They treat them with much coldness, as it is the case with this lady.

    Reply


  6. John Moore

    Would like to say thankyou,your advice has helped a great deal,basicaily i met a lady who has just come out of a long term relationship,she choose to end it,her ex he abused her phsycaly and emotionaly so she is in a bad place at the monent i understand that,she still loves her ex which i get its only been 3 weeks since they split i had a similar break up a year ago i am ready to move on,now she has been honest with me from the start and knows she is not ready for anything yet but is activly seeking dates with me and other men,now i have told her i am doing the. Same with other woman which i think is great as there is nothig being hiden,i did explain once i knew that there was a reason to make a commitment to one of the ladys i was dating i would then focus on that one lady and see where it goes now for me that would meen kissing that lady which to me is the start of somthing,i do not tell her about any other dates i have been on or plan too go on but if she asked i woud be honest and say,she does tell me about her dates with out me asking and she was dating anther guy that she had dated before and i could tell from what she was saying she did have an interest in him,so much for not being ready lol and when i asked she told me as i could tell she did have an keen interest in him as he has been to her house for dinner which is ok she did say nothing went further than just talk and dinner and to be far to her i trust her on that as she has been honest with everything so far which i like,ok now we talk alot every day texts and phone calls i was contacting her first most of the time and relised this so i backed of a little so she started to contact me first which is good kind of shows an interest in me,now we talk about anything and everything how each others day was what we had done but it does get on the subject of her ex,which is ok with me as i do not mind listening and giving her advice as that is just the way i am,will help anyone if i can now we have only been talking a week,when i first spoke to her online we talked a little by text and i felt we was getting along great to the point i felt i conected with her a little,we got on to the subject of her split i could tell she was upset so asked her to tell me about it,yes i know not realy the convo to have with in the first hour of talking to her,the messages where long so i asked for a video cal which she said yes too so we spoke that way while i drove to work,it kept cutting out due to moving car and bad reciption,so i asked for her number all this with in 2 hours of starting talking to her so we spoke on the phone for another hour so 3 hours now as i said i felt we connected and not just about our exes,lol
    We spoke some more the next day and i got brave again and asked to meet her which was agreed to we continued to talk overr the phone text and call we met up 3 days after starting talking to each other was just for coffee we spent 2 hrs in each others componey in the coffee shop and it closed and she asked me to sit in her car with her and continued talking for another hour at the end she asked me to meet up again before i could ask her so i thought ok great she likes me and agreed we arranged to meet up again in a weeks time as we where both free then so we have been talking all week alot about anything and everything still but alot has been about her break up which i understand as it is still very freash and yes she is still in love with him of course i understand that and she has been very honest about how she feels and where she is at the moment which i accept,now i am not trying to fix her or anything like that just trying to give her advice which is upto her to take or not as i have been there and know an ear and a diffrent opinion can help a bit with what she is going through now i know only she can heal herself with time as i have been there and do understand where she is right now i have told her i am not looking to get put in the so called friend zone and have let her know i would be intersted in taking things further with her when the time is right for her as now she is not,she has said she likes me but of course not ready for anything to go further because she is unsure of what she realy wants and who and all that which i do understand have told her i clicked with her personality and she said she did with mine aldo that she is the type of lady that i go for and it also helps that i find her realy attractive not that i told her about the realy attractive part as did not want to push to much,thing is i dont think she is attracted to me in that way and is connecting with me from past experiance and using me to help her get through this bad patch with advice and emotional support,which i can and will do with her i just dont want her to basicaly tell me maybe in the future like she kind of has not looking to push her as i know that will just push her away at the moment now do i stick at it and wait and see if anything does blossem or just back off and to say that aswell when we first met when saying good bye i stepped to the side and went to give her a peck on the cheeck,part of the reason i steped to the side was to let her know i was not trying to make a move i steped enough so it was obvious i was not looking to shove my tounge down her throat and then lent towards her cheeck did not even move my hands towards her as did not want her thinking i was trying my luck,ok with that she just grabbed me and huged me and not a little hug a proper hug,tight and long so much so i could feel her chest pressed against me,yes i did hug her back not as tight as she did me i was a little taken back by that reaction yes that could just be her thing the way she does her goodbyes but most other woman i have meet or even my female friends there is not a hug like that, i get a peck on the cheeck a quick hug hello or bye only two of my female friends would hug me like that but i have known them Since child hood and they are more like sisters,i have known them that long but yea just not sure where to go with it a few mixed signals but i do know she does want to go at a slow pace with anything that may happen if anything does any advice would be great thanks in advance,John

    Reply


    • wisdom v mupudzi

      Thanks for this. Some of these narcistist when you pull away, they try to suck you back in, and get you to chase again. I like what you said about setting the boundaries and that we shouldn’t downplay our values.
      And that part about we only get respect as much as we respect ourselves! Very insightful and thanks for addressing multiple angles.

      Blessings
      Wisdom (Australia)


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Wisdom,
      Thank you for your comment and perspective about “is she using me” blog. I am happy you found it insightful.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  7. LONYEMI BOSCO

    Hi apollonia am from kenya in Africa thank you very much for letting me know when am being used the above tips are sure bets. your day to day support is highly honored THANKS.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Thanks so much! I am happy to hear I have someone reading my blogs in Kenya. Wishing you the very very best and thanks for reading my blog “is she using me”.
      Best,
      Apollonia


    • Thomas Bell

      What if we were friends? We got involved but one day she’s all over me the next she’s distant and cold. One minute I’m not doing enough the next minute I’m too needy? But she doesn’t want to date anyone as she says I’m really confused.


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Thomas,
      Thank you for commenting on my blog about is she using me. I think the best thing that you can do right now is back away and let her initiate more. You will get more results this way. I would also encourage you to book a session with me to future discuss a game plan.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  8. Ved Gupta

    Thank you Apollonia for your very useful insights. I’m from India. I’ve been in a relationship for over 9 years now and we also have a lovely daughter of 2 years going to preschool. It appears difficult to go into details via this comment space.
    Please enlighten me about your private session services viz. mode, session-duration and corresponding cost etc.
    In anticipation…
    Ved Gupta.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hi Ved,
      Thanks for reading my blog on “is she using me” and your comment. You can find my coaching sessions here and the information in regards to it. https://www.apolloniaponti.com/private-coaching-2/
      Looking forward to hearing from you and wishing you a great day!
      Best,
      Apollonia


  9. Jeff

    I really enjoyed the article I’ll be totally honest with you I’ve been with this woman two years I work in the music business she knows I have great relationships she wants to be successful and singing and she claims after year her feelings have changed we really never slept together she’s going through depression she’s going through all kinds of different problems right now so I’m curious to know she’s just using me for her career she is not interested in me as a boyfriend and what I also did was nice guys finish last I paid her bills I helped her through thick and thin and I was there for her I really feel that she is using me and I really want to walk away from her completely and having no contact from her she’s putting it over my head but her music career that’s all she cares about thanks Jeff

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Hello Jeff,
      Thanks for your comment. I’m happy you enjoyed the article. I know right now can be extremely tough but if you’re paying her bills and she knows your intentions for her but still avoids it and does not sexually, physically, and mentally show up for you then I believe she possibly is. I think that it will be a benefit for you to do 30 days no contact. Please feel free to book a private session with me if you would like more guidance.
      Best,
      Apollonia


  10. Eric

    WOW, really don’t know what to say she is so disrepectiful her children loves me,, we been together for a 1 1/2 I moved from My apartment in Philly, to Delaware , finally got a job..for that time she’s been riding me about how wo.en are attracted to me… saying I. Cheating for a 1 1/2 now she said she want to sit and meet are neighbors sit inThere house, & she said that I can’t stop her even if she’s go’s out she never did that before plus she just verbally abusing me,, ready to go back to Philly and take this lost of my time money ,, don’t know what to do..tired ready to move on

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Eric,
      If you are ready to move on and she is verbally abusive I think you have the answer within you. Just reading the comment you are answering your own doubts. 🙂 Stay strong!
      Best,
      Apollonia


  11. HECTOR Luis COLON

    Yes, went have used me
    Loved your video. Just left my third relationship.

    Reply


    • Apollonia Ponti

      Thanks for your comment. 🙂 Wishing you the best!
      Best,
      Apollonia


  12. Lisa

    This is a fantastic article and so incredibly insightful! Thank you Apollonia! I really appreciate how she noted in a balanced manner that sometimes women use a guy/man without even realizing it – a/k/a without intention. However, its a great point for men to know and be able to pick-up on and recognize – and for us ladies too!

    Reply


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I work with YOU, men, to master your attraction skills and confidence in order to find the right partner or become an irresistible dater, Deepen your current relationship, or get out of the friend-zone!

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